00:00 People ask me out all the time, but I usually say no.
00:03 These men are (beep) boring.
00:05 Hi, I'm Bella Porch, and today I'm roasting
00:07 your dating profiles for Cosmo.
00:10 To be honest, I have never been on dating apps,
00:13 but since I'm newly single, I will probably download some.
00:17 First up, we have Carlos.
00:20 Okay, cute.
00:21 Age 29, location, Hell's Kitchen, New York.
00:24 Sexual orientation, gay, occupation, art director.
00:29 Dating intentions, long-term or short-term relationship.
00:32 Let's see your photos, Carlos.
00:34 Oh, okay.
00:36 Looks like he's in a flight.
00:38 Really nice eyebrows.
00:40 Nicer than mine, I guess.
00:41 This angle of the selfie looks really good.
00:44 I mean, it's nice to take pictures
00:47 tilting your head a little to the side,
00:49 because if you do it forward,
00:50 it just looks like those photos on Facebook
00:53 of like older people.
00:54 (laughs)
00:56 It's not cute.
00:57 Next picture.
00:58 He's in a pool.
00:59 What is he drinking?
01:00 It's on a blue cup.
01:02 This is really cute.
01:03 It shows off that he loves summer.
01:06 I hate summer.
01:07 Next photo.
01:10 Oh, he's a little classy in this photo.
01:12 Whoever is taking these photos,
01:15 they know what they're doing.
01:17 Last picture.
01:18 My weekends look like...
01:19 It shows off his personality even more.
01:22 The last few photos were a little more serious,
01:24 but this one's just like...
01:26 He's just wearing boxers, right?
01:27 It's kinda cute.
01:28 I probably wouldn't do it for a dating profile,
01:33 but something silly like this, I would.
01:34 Just to show off your personality,
01:36 that you're a fun person.
01:37 Okay, Carlos, let's see your prompts.
01:39 He has a voice note.
01:40 Let's listen.
01:42 - Honey, if you ain't stepping your (beep) up,
01:44 you ain't gonna get out of this.
01:45 Take it or leave it.
01:46 Also make money.
01:48 And have a good career.
01:50 And be stable.
01:51 Okay?
01:52 Thanks.
01:53 - He's so me.
01:54 (laughs)
01:56 (gasps)
01:58 I'm the type of texter that texts every minute,
02:00 but then disappears.
02:02 LOL.
02:02 Why is that me too?
02:05 (laughs)
02:06 I am convinced this is my twin at this point.
02:09 My friends hate that too,
02:11 'cause I would constantly text them,
02:13 and then out of nowhere,
02:14 I would just leave the conversation,
02:15 respond back in two days, or four days, or a week.
02:19 It's kinda bad.
02:20 But also, we're busy, you know?
02:22 Overall takeaway in Carlos' profile,
02:24 I think he's a sweetheart.
02:26 So, he's definitely swipable.
02:29 Next profile, Michael.
02:31 He's age 22.
02:32 Location, Toronto.
02:34 Sexual orientation, straight.
02:36 Ooh, he's an aquatics instructor.
02:39 What is that?
02:39 Dating intentions, unsure.
02:42 Okay, let's get into his photos.
02:44 He has a really nice side profile, that's for sure.
02:47 And it looks like he's a lifeguard in this photo.
02:49 It's cute, 'cause I can't swim.
02:51 Next photo.
02:53 Caught in the act.
02:55 What?
02:55 What is he holding?
02:56 Is that a camera?
02:57 This photo is so blurry.
02:59 It looks like he's in a lake with a bunch of people.
03:02 Maybe like with friends?
03:04 Oh!
03:06 That's cute.
03:07 So, he's probably like a photographer too.
03:10 That's kinda crazy that the past few photos,
03:13 he never really showed his face.
03:16 Aw, okay, so he does like dogs.
03:18 Honestly, it's funny,
03:19 'cause he gives off like Golden Retriever vibes.
03:23 In general, like when people like animals,
03:25 I can trust them more.
03:28 Okay, now let's take a look at how he answered his prompts.
03:31 My simple pleasures.
03:32 Good coffee, cameras, traveling, and great people.
03:35 Probably too boring for me.
03:38 Never have I ever been to a concert.
03:41 What the heck?
03:43 That is kind of weird.
03:46 My first concert was when I was 20.
03:48 I hype myself up by doing legs.
03:51 Like leg day?
03:52 I guess it's important for him to point it out.
03:54 Maybe he has really thick thighs.
03:56 I think Michael seems very basic.
04:01 [buzzer buzzes]
04:04 Next profile is Carolina.
04:05 Age 25, sexual orientation straight,
04:09 occupation, TV producer, dating intentions,
04:13 long-term relationship.
04:15 To be honest, something to get me off these apps.
04:17 Aw, that's so cute!
04:18 Okay, let's look at Carolina's pictures.
04:20 Oh, she's really cute!
04:22 Oh, girl, what are you doing on the apps?
04:25 Like, I feel like you could just like go to like a mall
04:29 and you'd meet someone there.
04:31 Next photo.
04:32 This looks like Coachella.
04:34 She seems like a really, really fun person.
04:36 Is that a tattoo of Harry?
04:40 Girl, do you have like your ex's name on your arm?
04:44 Wait, what is, is that a tattoo?
04:46 'Cause if that's a tattoo, then that's like,
04:48 I'm not the one to judge.
04:49 I actually got a tattoo of my ex's name on my arm.
04:52 I'm actually getting it lasered right now.
04:55 But it's weird, that's the only tattoo I see
04:56 on this picture.
04:57 Next picture.
04:58 Oh, this looks like she's in New York.
05:01 She's really always well-dressed in her photos.
05:04 It's giving aesthetic.
05:05 Kind of like it's hot without showing too much skin.
05:09 I think the season in this photo is winter.
05:12 Girls don't really get cold in winter, right?
05:14 I mean, 'cause we still wanna look hot.
05:17 So we just like put on something skimpy
05:21 and then wear a jacket over it.
05:23 Next photo.
05:24 Aw, it shows off her smile.
05:26 I feel like this should be the first photo you see.
05:28 When girls show off their smile,
05:30 it's just like, they're so much cuter.
05:32 Okay, Carolina, time to look at your prompts.
05:35 The best way to ask me out is by carrier pigeon.
05:40 What?
05:41 Billboard, televised award speech, et cetera.
05:45 I kinda get it.
05:47 Like if you don't ask me out on a billboard,
05:50 like what are you doing?
05:51 - What's the best way someone's ever asked you out?
05:53 - People ask me out all the time, but I usually say no.
05:57 These men are [beep] boring.
05:58 They're boring.
05:59 They just text me, I guess.
06:01 [laughing]
06:02 No, no one has ever done anything extra
06:05 to ask me out so far.
06:07 I'm hoping someone does.
06:09 I go crazy for Spotify blend compatibility.
06:13 It's very important to have the same taste in music.
06:16 I feel like she would listen to Rihanna,
06:19 Ariana Grande, Harry Styles.
06:22 Next, I won't shut up about new jeans.
06:25 Girl, me too, what?
06:26 Wait, I love that she's a fan of new jeans.
06:30 That's kinda cute.
06:31 Most guys wouldn't know new jeans, I don't think.
06:33 I think Carolina, it's gonna be so easy for her
06:36 to find someone, but are they serious
06:39 about getting into a long-term relationship?
06:41 She's definitely swipable.
06:43 That's not even a question.
06:45 [laughing]
06:47 Okay, now I'm gonna build my own dating profile.
06:49 Name, Bella Porch.
06:51 Age, 26.
06:52 Location, Los Angeles.
06:55 Occupation, professional pickle eater.
06:57 Looking for open to anything.
06:59 My first photo in my profile would be me with pigtails on.
07:03 Second photo of me would be a photo with alpacas
07:07 because I love alpacas and I think
07:09 they're the sweetest creatures on Earth.
07:11 In my next life, I will be an alpaca.
07:13 Third photo would be me next to my cabinet
07:18 filled with pickles.
07:20 And last photo would be like a thirst trap.
07:24 I'd definitely be showing a little bit of my underboob.
07:27 Okay, and my prompts.
07:28 My most irrational fear are Teletubbies.
07:32 When I was a kid, I used to watch it a lot,
07:34 but then I got a nightmare about the Teletubbies chasing me
07:38 and they were all bloody and that just scarred me for life.
07:41 And every Halloween, I swear, like every party I go to,
07:44 there's someone that's dressed as a Teletubby
07:46 and I'm just like, oh my God.
07:48 Will get along if you like food.
07:52 Yeah, I love food.
07:54 I won't shut up about my celebrity crush.
07:56 First is RM from BTS.
07:59 If I do have a celebrity crush and we're on a first date,
08:01 I probably would talk about my celebrity crush,
08:04 which is kind of bad.
08:05 That's my dating profile.
08:07 Be sure to check out my new song, "Bad Boy."
08:09 (upbeat music)
08:12 (upbeat music)
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