Not Rated | 30min | Comedy,TV Series | Episode aired 1 January 1961
Auditioning actors for a 1 hour show recounting his thrilling life provokes many emotions in Jack: lust for a young actress, vanity when an elderly woman from his hometown shows up, and especially greed. A young actor is perfect for Jack as a child, which the actor's 10 year old agent takes every advantage of.
Director: James V. Kern
Writers: Sam Perrin, George Balzer, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon
Stars: Jack Benny, Don Wilson, Eddie 'Rochester' Anderson
Auditioning actors for a 1 hour show recounting his thrilling life provokes many emotions in Jack: lust for a young actress, vanity when an elderly woman from his hometown shows up, and especially greed. A young actor is perfect for Jack as a child, which the actor's 10 year old agent takes every advantage of.
Director: James V. Kern
Writers: Sam Perrin, George Balzer, Hal Goldman, Al Gordon
Stars: Jack Benny, Don Wilson, Eddie 'Rochester' Anderson
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Processor, how's everything going?
00:17Oh, I'm almost finished.
00:18Yeah, you know, this might be a very interesting program.
00:21I mean, imagine the studio doing a whole hour television show about the story of my life, you know?
00:29Boss, there are so many celebrities in Hollywood, how come they picked you?
00:35I wasn't exactly their first choice, you see, but they found out that mine was the only life they wouldn't have to censor.
00:48Darn it.
00:51Well, let's see what you've got this written already, huh?
00:56Oh, for heaven's sake, Rochester, look at the way you're...
00:59Some of the words are so light I can hardly read them.
01:02Boss, I've been asking for two years to buy a new ribbon.
01:08Why should I buy a new ribbon?
01:10Because pulling the old one out and dipping it in grape juice is ridiculous.
01:19Look, just hit the keys a little bit harder and everything will be all right.
01:25Rochester, I'm really excited about this story.
01:27The life of Jack Benny, scene one.
01:30The waiting room of the Waukegan Maternity Hospital.
01:33Suddenly the door leading from the delivery room opens and the doctor steps into the room.
01:38Jack's father, excitedly grabbing the doctor by the lapel, says,
01:42Doctor, doctor, what is it?
01:44The doctor says, it's a boy.
01:46Jack's father, a boy? That's wonderful, I'll call him Jackie.
01:49How much do I owe you?
01:51Doctor says, nothing. Jackie already paid me.
01:58Rochester, this isn't the way I wrote it.
02:01I mean, who put that in?
02:03I did. I thought it might be better if we start with a laugh.
02:08Look, the programs don't always have to start with a laugh.
02:11All they have to do is be interesting.
02:13We were interesting with our last sponsor and he dropped us.
02:20Oh, Rochester, answer that, will you?
02:22I've got to go and put my coat on.
02:24I've got to go down to the studio and cast this show.
02:27You know, for my life.
02:32Oh, Mr. Wilson, come on down.
02:34Hello, Rochester.
02:40Is Jack Benny here?
02:41Oh, yeah, he's here.
02:42Hey, what's going on here?
02:44Oh, I'm just typing the story of Mr. Benny's life.
02:48Oh, yes, yes, he told me all about it.
02:52Well, let's see what he has here.
02:54Well, he starts out from the time he was born,
02:57then when he started to go to school.
02:59When I was eight years old, I received my first violin.
03:03Two years later, I left Waukegan to attend the conservatory in Chicago.
03:08Rochester, do you think Mr. Benny really attended the conservatory?
03:12He must have.
03:13Because nobody can conserve like he does without taking lessons.
03:19Oh, hi, Don.
03:20Oh, hello, Jack.
03:21I've just been looking over the script Rochester's been typing.
03:24Oh, the story of my life, huh?
03:25Yeah.
03:26Do you mention me in it?
03:27Oh, for heaven's sake.
03:29Do I mention you in it?
03:30Well, naturally, I mean, and the way I dramatize it.
03:34Oh, it's just beautiful.
03:35I tell about the very, the first time you came to work for me,
03:38the early days of radio, you know?
03:41Remember years ago, you worked for me then,
03:43and I remember when you first started,
03:45I gave you $5 a week and your meals.
03:49Remember that?
03:50Yeah.
03:52Gosh, I wish I had that deal again.
03:58Well, you're not going to get it, brother.
04:02I'll get it.
04:03I'll get it, Rochester.
04:07Telegram for Mr. Jack Benny.
04:08Oh, thank you.
04:14See who this is from.
04:17Oh, Don, it's from the mayor of my hometown, Waukegan, Illinois.
04:20You know, this is an answer to a letter I sent him.
04:23You see, I want him to be on this television show about my life.
04:26Oh, no kidding.
04:27Yeah.
04:28Says, Dear Mr. Benny,
04:29It is a great honor and privilege to represent the city of Waukegan
04:32in the story of your life.
04:34To assist me in formulating a suitable speech, Mr. Benny,
04:37please send me the following information.
04:40When were you born in Waukegan?
04:42How long did you live here?
04:44When did you leave?
04:46And what type of business are you in?
04:55Oh, Jack, he doesn't even know you.
04:57He does, too.
04:58I mean, he was always a great kidder, this fella.
05:01Well, I have no answer, so you may go.
05:04What are you waiting for?
05:05Well, I don't like to mention it, but when one delivers a telegram,
05:09it's customary for one to get a tip.
05:11Oh, of course.
05:12Of course.
05:13I'm sorry.
05:15The amount you may choose to give me is entirely up to you.
05:19Yes, yes, I know.
05:21I know, of course.
05:22In a matter like this, why, I wouldn't want to influence you in any way.
05:27No, I understand that.
05:31Do you mind if I use your phone for just a minute?
05:34No, go right ahead.
05:35Thank you very much.
05:36Go right ahead.
05:37Let's see.
05:39I thought I had smaller change than this.
05:46Hello, Martha?
05:48This is Hyman.
05:51How's Grandma feeling?
05:55Not any better, huh?
05:57Well, what can we do?
06:02I know.
06:04Can't afford to buy medicine for the baby either.
06:11Martha, if we spend that money for medicine, we won't be able to buy any food.
06:19Huh?
06:20What?
06:22The landlord was over.
06:25What'd he say?
06:32He's only going to give us two more days.
06:36Well, I'll try to see what I can do, Martha.
06:47Keep up his courage.
07:00Boy.
07:01Control yourself.
07:03Come on, Cabbage.
07:04Control yourself.
07:05Here.
07:06Here's the tip.
07:07Oh, gee, thank you, mister.
07:12Oh, no.
07:14For a lousy time, I just wasted a routine I could have sold to Betty Davis.
07:29How do you like that?
07:31Jack, you only gave him a dime.
07:33He didn't go to the conservatory for nothing.
07:37Rochester, please.
07:38Now, Don, I hate to have to leave you like this,
07:40but I must get down to the studio and cast the show.
07:43All right.
07:44I want to get the right people in.
07:45All right, I'll see you later.
07:46Bye.
07:56Good morning, Miss Gordon.
07:57Oh, good morning, Mr. Benning.
07:59Several people are waiting in the outer office in answer to your casting call.
08:02Oh, wonderful.
08:03Now, you step out there and will you send them in as I ask for them?
08:06Yes.
08:07I made a list of the characters that you have to cast.
08:09Looks like it's going to be an expensive show.
08:12Let's see, an actor to play my father, an actress to play my mother,
08:16an actor to play the doctor,
08:19someone to play me when I was a little boy.
08:22Hmm, this will be expensive.
08:25Let's see, who can I eliminate here?
08:27Well, here.
08:30Well, Mr. Benning, you've stressed out the doctor.
08:33Aren't you going to hire an actor to play the part of the doctor?
08:36No, no, I'll send for a real one and charge it to my hospital plan.
08:44Now, Miss Gordon, will you please send whoever's out there to audition the part of my father?
08:51Yes, Mr. Benning.
08:52I hope you have someone.
08:53Yes, we have.
08:54Okay, good.
08:55Won't you come in, sir?
08:59Oh, how do you do, sir?
09:01How do you do?
09:02Sit right down here.
09:04Now, do you understand?
09:07You're here to audition the part of my father.
09:12And you are about his height.
09:15I mean, you could play the part, I imagine.
09:18What's your name?
09:19Kevin O'Houlihan.
09:31Next.
09:35Well, I'm sorry, but don't feel too bad about it.
09:40You know, Barry Fitzgerald wouldn't get the part either.
09:43Neither would Sesha Hayakawa.
09:45So, no.
09:46Maybe some other time, eh?
09:48Fine.
09:49Goodbye.
09:51Mr. Benning, there are no other actors here to audition for the part of your father.
09:55Oh, well, let's see.
09:56Who do we have to have next here, then?
09:59Let me see.
10:01Oh, I'll tell you.
10:02Oh, I want...
10:04Have you got a girl to play the part of Mildred Holmquist?
10:07Mildred Holmquist?
10:08Yes.
10:09Oh, she's the girl I first went with, my first sweetheart, in Waukegan, Illinois.
10:15And she...
10:16Well, she wasn't too pretty, but there was something about her that attracted me to her, you know?
10:22And of course, she was much younger than I am, you see.
10:25Is there anyone?
10:26Have you anyone to play that?
10:27Yes, one.
10:28I'll send her in.
10:29Fine, fine.
10:32Let's see.
10:33Oh, won't you come in, please?
10:47Hello, Mr. Benning.
10:50Hello.
10:58Hello.
11:28Hello.
11:32Hello.
11:35Would it be all right if I sat down?
11:38Well, you know that dress better than I do.
11:54Sit back, sit right here.
11:56Sit right down there.
12:10I understand that I'm to audition for the part of your first girlfriend.
12:14Yes, yes.
12:16Her name was Mildred Holmquist.
12:18Well, am I the type?
12:21No, but I can rewrite the part.
12:29You know, Mildred Holmquist, this is, you know, this girl that I used to go with.
12:35She was rather pretty and she, well, I don't know, we went together for a long time, you know?
12:43And I, I don't know, I'll never forget the first time she ever kissed me.
12:49Gosh, it was so exciting, you know?
12:53Gosh, I never will forget it.
12:57I never will forget it, I think.
13:01Did she kiss you like this?
13:27No.
13:37Hello?
13:39No, you can't talk to him now.
13:41He's reminiscing.
13:48Yes, I'll be glad to tell him when he comes to.
13:58Well, Mr. Benny, do I get the part?
14:02You'd get the part if your name was Kevin O'Houlihan.
14:12The only thing is, you know, it is a rather difficult role and I think we should rehearse every day.
14:22Well, I don't think that's too necessary. I've been doing this type of thing quite often.
14:27Well, I know, but I haven't.
14:31Anyway, you'll just, you'll be absolutely wonderful in it and you're, you're really suited to the part and thank you.
14:38Goodbye.
14:39Mr. Benny, this is your office.
14:41Oh!
14:53Well, anyway, I'll, I'll see you at the rehearsal, eh?
14:56All right.
14:57Goodbye.
14:58Goodbye.
15:00Goodbye.
15:01Goodbye.
15:06Well.
15:13Oh, Miss Gordon.
15:18Miss Gordon.
15:21Yes, Mr. Benny.
15:23I've cast the part of my sweetheart, Mildred Holmquist.
15:27The young lady who was just in here is going to play it.
15:30Can she act or am I clouding the issue?
15:38She'll be fine.
15:42Now, let's see, who else do we have to cast?
15:45Oh, I have to have someone to play me as a little boy.
15:49You see?
15:50And then an elderly lady to play the part of my mother.
15:54Well, which one would you like to cast first?
15:56Maybe the elder lady first.
15:58For my mother.
15:59Is there someone out there?
16:00Yes, Mr. Benny.
16:01Okay.
16:02Won't you come in, please?
16:08How do you do?
16:09How do you do?
16:10Sit right down here.
16:19As you know, you're going to audition to play the part of my mother.
16:25Yes, that's right.
16:27And I feel I can play the part very well because I came from Warkegan, too.
16:32Oh, really?
16:34I didn't know that.
16:35What's your name?
16:37Mildred Holmquist.
16:43Oh!
16:53Mildred!
16:55Mildred, don't you remember me?
16:58Why, Pinky Benny!
17:01Yes!
17:05Mildred, it's so good to see you again.
17:08Oh, listen.
17:09What are you doing in Los Angeles?
17:11I'm visiting my grandchildren.
17:13Oh, for heaven's sake.
17:14Isn't that wonderful?
17:16Well, I'm going to tell you something.
17:17You've got the part.
17:19You're going to play the part of my mother and you'll be just great in it, too.
17:23And I'll see you at rehearsal.
17:25Thank you, Jack.
17:27Oh, by the way, Mildred.
17:28Remember the first time I asked your father for your hand?
17:33Yes.
17:34I had a dollar in it.
17:37Goodbye.
17:39Goodbye.
17:41Gosh, he's hardly changed a bit.
17:50Miss Gordon, will you send in the little boy now, please?
17:55Mr. Benny, this is Jimmy Evans.
17:58He's been in pictures and on television.
18:00Oh, hello, Jimmy.
18:01Hi.
18:02Sit down.
18:05Now, Jimmy, you know the part that I'm casting, do you?
18:10Yes, sir.
18:11I'm supposed to play the part of you when you were a little boy.
18:14That's right.
18:15That's exactly it.
18:16And I'll bet you'll be wonderful in it.
18:19Naturally, before we sign the contract, we would have to discuss salary.
18:24Is your mother or father here with you?
18:27No, sir.
18:28They're not here.
18:29Oh.
18:30Oh, they're not.
18:31I see.
18:34Well, there you are.
18:41Now, Jimmy, as to salary...
18:45You'll have to discuss that with my agent.
18:50Wait a minute.
18:51You have an agent?
18:53Yes, sir.
18:54And he's here with me.
18:55Your agent is here with you?
18:57Yes, sir.
19:04Miss Gordon, will you please send in Jimmy's agent?
19:09This way, sir.
19:16You?
19:18You're Jimmy's agent?
19:20Yes, sir.
19:21The name is Harry Johnson.
19:23Now, how do you do, Mr. Johnson?
19:25You sit over there.
19:26I'll take over now.
19:27Yeah.
19:33Isn't he cute?
19:37Well, Mr. Johnson.
19:39Now, Mr. Benny, I understand you want to use my quiet on one of your television shows.
19:43That's right.
19:44That's right, I do.
19:45He's supposed to play me as a little boy.
19:47And now, you being his agent, what do you think I should pay him?
19:53I mean, what do you think would be a fair salary?
19:55$2,000.
19:59$2,000?
20:01You still think I'm cute?
20:09Don't stand there bleeding.
20:10Say something.
20:14Wait a minute.
20:15I think $2,000 is a lot of money.
20:18Well, he's been in television all his life.
20:21All his life?
20:22All his life.
20:23I was born on the medic program.
20:28I still think that $2,000 is too much money.
20:32Well, that's his salary.
20:33You know, these kids can't live on lollipops.
20:40Well, now, wait a minute.
20:41In the first place, I don't think the part is big enough to pay $2,000.
20:46Well, while you're thinking, do you mind if I look over the clauses in the contract?
20:53No.
20:54No, I've got it here somewhere.
20:57Let's see.
20:58Oh, here.
21:01There it is, right there.
21:15What's the matter?
21:16Same old legal mumbo jumbo.
21:20Now, Mr. Benny, I'd like to add a few things to this contract.
21:23Yeah?
21:24Anytime my client rehearses for over four hours, I want him paid time and a half.
21:29Time and a half?
21:30And should rehearsal go beyond six o'clock, then you have to pay for his dinner.
21:33What are you talking about?
21:34Also, taxi fare to and from the studio.
21:38Now, wait a minute.
21:41First, you want $2,000 for this kid's appearance.
21:45Then you want me to pay overtime.
21:47And then his food and his taxi bill.
21:50Well, let me tell you something.
21:51You're the most grasping, greedy, conniving, miserly person I've ever met.
21:58Well!
22:10Come on, Jimmy.
22:11We can't do any business here.
22:14Sort of think you overdid it.
22:16No, I didn't. Come on.
22:17Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it.
22:20I just thought of something.
22:23Miss Gordon, will you please come in and witness the signing of a contract?
22:29You see, you gotta be rough with these guys.
22:34Now, Miss Gordon, I found the fella to play me as a little boy.
22:39Well, congratulations, Jimmy.
22:41No, not him. Him!
22:47That's the guy I want.
22:49Him?
22:50Are you sure you've cast the right boy?
22:52Am I sure?
22:54Why, this kid could be my own flesh and blood.
22:58Come on, Harry. Sign the contract.
23:04There you are.
23:06Just call me Blize.
23:08Okay.
23:17Jack will be back in just a moment, but first...
23:30Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
23:32Well, we finally cast everybody for my big spectacular,
23:36except the fella who's supposed to play me as I am today.
23:41Now, I brought up names like, uh, Tony Curtis.
23:46Jack Lemmon.
23:48Fabian.
23:51But they decided on Yasha Heifetz.
23:56When I say they decided, I mean Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon, and Fabian.
24:16THE END
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