TV-G | 30min | Comedy, Drama, Family, Music, TV Series | Episode aired 14 October 1964
In order to prove a point to her history teacher, Patty vows that she can live for one week like they did back in 1800.
Director: Rod Amateau
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
In order to prove a point to her history teacher, Patty vows that she can live for one week like they did back in 1800.
Director: Rod Amateau
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:03Make way for Guinea Pig Lane!
00:05♪
00:08Guinea Pig Lane?
00:09Sounds like a quaint old English street.
00:11♪
00:14That's what everybody in school's calling me.
00:16You know that substitute teacher we have
00:17in American History, Miss McIntosh?
00:19Yes.
00:20Well, she finally got to me.
00:21She kept yakking about how spoiled kids are today
00:24and how tough the pioneer kids had to be in the old days.
00:27I said I wouldn't have minded living in those days,
00:29and she said I wouldn't have lasted a week.
00:31And I said it would have been a ball,
00:32and I told her I could go for a whole week
00:34without using any of the modern, civilized conveniences.
00:37And she said I couldn't.
00:38I'm on her side.
00:40The whole school is talking about it.
00:42You mean you're supposed to live like a pioneer for a week?
00:45If they did it, I can do it.
00:48Times have changed, Patty.
00:50Oh, maybe times have changed, but kids haven't.
00:53I don't believe we're weaklings, and I'm going to prove it.
00:55I've got to uphold the honor of my generation.
00:57Boy, is your generation in trouble.
01:00Come to think of it, so's mine.
01:02Oh, dear.
01:05When do you start?
01:07I've already started.
01:09Hello?
01:10Hi, Rich.
01:11Listen, Rich, this is very important.
01:13Do you remember last week when we went downtown
01:15to get those things for school?
01:17Yeah.
01:20Well, I think you'd better hang up.
01:23Why?
01:24Because the telephone hasn't been invented yet.
01:26Oh.
01:28Oh.
01:37♪ Meet Kathy, who's lived most everywhere
01:40♪ From Zanza Bar to Barclays Square
01:43♪ But Patty's only seen the sights
01:45♪ A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights
01:47♪ What a crazy pair
01:49♪ But they're cousins
01:52♪ Identical cousins all the way
01:56One pair of matching bookends, different as night and day.
02:02Where Kathy adores a minuet, the ballet ruse, and crepe suzette.
02:08Our Patty loves to rock and roll, a hot dog makes her lose control.
02:12What a wild duet.
02:14Still they're cousins, hypothetical cousins, and you find.
02:21They laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike.
02:25You can lose your mind, when cousins aren't you of a kind.
02:39Patty, what exactly did you tell your teacher?
02:43I told her that I could go for a week without using anything
02:46we didn't have back in 1800.
02:48Do you have any idea what you're letting yourself in for?
02:51Pavel, I've got to prove that kids today aren't soft.
02:54Except in the head.
02:56That wouldn't prove him up for adoption.
02:57Who'd have me?
02:58You've got a point.
03:00Patty, aren't you going to use any modern conveniences at all?
03:05If it wasn't invented by 1800, forget it.
03:10And you've agreed to do this for a whole week?
03:13That's right.
03:14I'm out to prove that Miss McIntosh is wrong.
03:17Look, if I should slip up now and then, I want all of you to remind me.
03:21Oh, we'll remind you.
03:23OK.
03:24Oh, I forgot to tell you the big news.
03:26Coach Edwards has practically picked me to be cheerleader captain
03:28at the big track meet next Saturday.
03:30Every girl in school is after it.
03:32Congratulations.
03:33Well, I'd better get dressed.
03:35Richard is taking me to a dance tonight.
03:37They had dancing back in 1800.
03:38I checked.
03:40Patty?
03:41Yeah?
03:42Are you going to bathe before you dress?
03:45Of course.
03:46They did take baths in those days.
03:48Not with hot running water, they didn't.
03:54Oh, boy.
03:57Oh, I never knew water could be so heavy.
04:01No wonder they only took baths on Saturday nights.
04:08How does she get herself into these crazy situations?
04:11I don't think it's so crazy, Ross.
04:14I'm on Patty's side.
04:16I like what she's trying to prove.
04:19I'm not going to bathe.
04:21I like what she's trying to prove.
04:24You know what I think?
04:25I think she's going to set us back 100 years.
04:34How was your bath?
04:35It's the Eskimos.
04:37By the time I put the last bucket of hot water into the tub,
04:39it was ice cold.
04:42Oh, boy.
04:52What do you think you're doing?
04:54Putting you back in the 19th century.
04:57Oh.
05:00Oh, yeah.
05:03I'm going to dry my hair.
05:05Why don't you rub two sticks together and start a fire?
05:07That's what the pioneers did.
05:11Yeah?
05:11Well, they should have used hairdryers.
05:13At least they wouldn't have gotten scout that way.
05:18I'd better get dressed.
05:20Richard's picking me up in a...
05:22What happened to the lights?
05:24Told Miss Edison hasn't invented them yet,
05:26so I turned them off.
05:31Oh!
05:35Oh, boy.
05:38Here.
05:40Here what?
05:41Am I supposed to get dressed by that?
05:43Your great-great-grandmother did.
05:44Oh, yeah, but have you ever seen pictures of how she looked?
05:51Me and my big mouth.
05:55Oh, that's an interesting hat.
05:57I couldn't get my hair dry.
05:59Here.
06:01Oh, there's my lord and master.
06:04You know, that Bela Lugosi is the greatest.
06:07Hi, Rich.
06:08Never mind the hi, Rich.
06:10You know you hung up on me this afternoon?
06:12Yeah, sorry about that.
06:13I can't talk on the telephone for a whole week.
06:15You can't?
06:16Why not?
06:18It hasn't been invented yet.
06:20What?
06:21Look, it's a long story.
06:23Come on in and say hello to the old folks at home.
06:25Hasn't been invented yet?
06:28Now, wait a minute.
06:30Oh, hello, Mrs. Lane, Mr. Lane.
06:32Hello, Richard.
06:33Richard.
06:34Well, let's go.
06:36He has all the social graces, hasn't he?
06:38Patty, Tootie Henderson's band starts playing at 8 o'clock.
06:41I don't want to miss any of it.
06:43We'll have just enough time to make the first number.
06:45Where is that dance?
06:46Over at Danceland.
06:48It's about three miles from here, isn't it?
06:50Yeah, but I've got my car outside.
06:52Oh.
07:01I forgot.
07:02You forgot what?
07:04Automobiles.
07:05I'm afraid your car's going to have to stay right where it is, Richard.
07:08How are we going to get to the dance?
07:10Walk?
07:12He asked you a question, dear.
07:16Yeah.
07:19Richard, my boy,
07:21hasn't it occurred to you that people don't get enough exercise these days?
07:25Sure.
07:27That's why we're going dancing.
07:30Mom.
07:31Would you mind walking?
07:33Walking?
07:34Three miles?
07:35Yeah, three miles.
07:37Mom.
07:38Would you mind walking?
07:40Walking?
07:41Three miles to a dance?
07:44Is it because you don't want her to ride with me?
07:46My driving's improved a lot, Mrs. Lane.
07:48I haven't had an accident since Monday,
07:51and it was nothing.
07:52I mean, I got a scratched running board.
07:54But it wasn't my fault.
07:57Your car has a running board?
08:01What are you driving, Richard?
08:03An Essex.
08:04An Essex?
08:06Don't worry.
08:07I could spring for a taxi cab.
08:09Richard, Patty can't ride in any vehicle this week.
08:13Except a covered wagon.
08:15What?
08:16You mean like an automobile hasn't even been invented yet or something?
08:19Now, wait a minute.
08:20First the telephone.
08:21Come on, Richard.
08:22I'll explain on the way.
08:23Say goodnight to the nice people.
08:24Patty, do you think I'm going to walk three miles to a dance?
08:27How hangy are you?
08:28A lazy one.
08:31Do you want to come in, Rich?
08:34This has been one of the most interesting evenings of my whole life.
08:38I'm sorry about the way things turned out, Rich.
08:41I didn't mind walking three miles to dance, Lane.
08:44But the ten miles back.
08:46Patty, why did we have to leave when we got there?
08:50I told you because they were using microphones and...
08:54And pioneers didn't have microphones.
08:57Yeah.
08:59Now you want me to do this right, don't you?
09:01Sure.
09:02But without me.
09:04I'll see you next week when you come out of orbit and return to our time zone.
09:09You know, sometimes I think you really are an escaped Martian.
09:13Sorry, Rich.
09:15Forget it.
09:16And I mean forget it.
09:18Rich, goodnight.
09:23Goodnight.
09:25And watch out for the wild Indians.
09:29Is that you, Patty?
09:31Mm-hmm.
09:37Hi, Marlowe.
09:38Papa.
09:39How are you, hon?
09:41How was the dance?
09:43Honey, you spell fiasco.
09:46Hey, that's a pretty good word.
09:48Please, no coaching unless it's my turn.
09:50Sorry about that.
09:52You know, I never should have dragged Richard into this.
09:56He's not up to it.
09:58Are you?
10:00If the pioneers could do it all their lives, I guess I can do it for one week.
10:05They must have been made of steel.
10:07Well, they were pretty rugged, but then they had to be.
10:10It's amazing what you can do if you have to.
10:13Yeah, I hope you're right, Papa.
10:15I'd hate to let the kids' school down.
10:18They're all counting on me.
10:20You won't let them down.
10:21I think you're doing just fine.
10:23Yeah.
10:26I'm starving to death.
10:28Oh, didn't you stop at the shake shop?
10:30Oh, yeah.
10:31Yeah, we stopped.
10:33Only I couldn't eat anything.
10:35They cook their hamburgers on electric grills.
10:38And the pioneers never heard of a chocolate milkshake.
10:42Oh.
10:44You know what I'm gonna do?
10:45What?
10:46I'm gonna fix you a great big pioneer sandwich, handmade.
10:50And a big glass of milk, cow made.
10:54Oh, Papa.
10:57Boy, they sure were losers, our ancestors.
11:00They didn't have anything.
11:03I'll tell you one thing they had.
11:05A wonderful, great, great, great granddaughter.
11:15One of us in this room is the murderer.
11:17And I'll tell you who it is.
11:19It's...
11:24It's...
11:54It's...
11:57Oh.
12:23I'm sorry you're not going to the movies with us, Patty.
12:25Yeah, so am I.
12:27I've been dying to see the monster with three heads.
12:30We'll tell you all about it.
12:32Oh, you don't have to.
12:33It's my autobiography.
12:35Good night.
12:36Good night.
12:38Hi, Kathy.
12:39Pioneer lady, you sure you don't want to go skating?
12:42I bet they ice skated.
12:44In the middle of a heat wave?
12:46Okay, see ya.
12:47Have fun.
12:49If you're going ice skating, put on a heavier sweater.
12:51I've got one on already.
12:52We're leaving, darling.
12:53You sure you don't want to go to that jazz concert with us?
12:56I'd love to.
12:58But it'd be cheating.
13:00I don't think the Pioneers went to jazz concerts.
13:04You know, we're really proud of the way you're sticking to this, honey.
13:07Oh, there's nothing to it.
13:09You know, a lot of kids would get bitter about having to take icy baths
13:13and walk everywhere and not watch television or use electric lights
13:16or telephones or go to movies or jazz concerts.
13:19A lot of kids.
13:20But not you.
13:23No.
13:24That's wonderful, darling.
13:26We'll be back early.
13:45Rikki-Rak, Rikki-Rak, cruise that race and down the track.
13:49Brooklyn, Brooklyn, yeah!
13:56Brooklyn, yeah!
13:58She's been carrying on like that all evening.
14:01The big track meet is Saturday.
14:04You mean we have to listen to that until Saturday?
14:07We're on fire!
14:11What about that one?
14:13Noisy.
14:15Uncle, yells are supposed to be noisy.
14:18It's up to me to give inspiration to the team.
14:20Being captain of the cheerleaders is a very big responsibility.
14:23Are you definitely captain?
14:25Well, practically definitely.
14:28It's between me and Alice and...
14:30Actually, she doesn't have a chance, poor kid.
14:33She has a voice somewhere between Emma Sumac and Louis Armstrong.
14:39Watch our team, on the beam.
14:41Shake them, break them, show them where they take them.
14:43Brooklyn!
14:46That definitely should inspire the old team.
14:49Martin, what do you think?
14:54Patty, how is Project Pioneer coming along?
14:58Oh, that.
15:01Great.
15:03I only have a few more days to go.
15:05You know, it's been fun.
15:07In a gruesome sort of way.
15:09I gotta go. Richard and I are going for a walk in the park.
15:13Come home!
15:15Hey, you take care of that.
15:19She's lucky it's not the hunting season.
15:28What do you have, Kathy?
15:30Oh, Sammy, I think I'll have a cheeseburger and a chocolate milkshake.
15:35I'll have a peanut butter and date nut bread and a banana split.
15:38I'll have the same.
15:40I'll have a cheeseburger, a chocolate milkshake, peanut butter and date nut bread and a banana split.
15:45Another year with you, Richard, we can all retire.
15:48What do you have, Patty?
15:50Glass of water, no ice.
15:53How long are you gonna keep this up, Patty?
15:55Until I drop dead or Monday, whichever comes first.
15:59Well, I certainly admire you.
16:01Oh, you can afford to. You're eating a peanut butter sandwich on date nut bread and a banana split.
16:06They did eat in 1800, you know.
16:09But the peanut butter didn't come in jars and the bread wasn't baked by machines.
16:14I can't talk about it. I get all choked up.
16:18Hi, Kathy.
16:19Hello, Alice.
16:20Patty.
16:21Hi, Alice.
16:22Hi, Richard.
16:23Hi, Alice.
16:24Hi, Maggie.
16:25Hi.
16:28What are you having?
16:29Order something gooey. I enjoy ham.
16:31Oh, I'm too excited to eat.
16:33Why? What happened?
16:35Oh, guess who's the new captain of the cheerleaders at the track meet next Saturday.
16:40I don't have to guess. I am.
16:43Oh, not anymore, you're not.
16:45Coach Edwards just made me captain.
16:48He couldn't have. He practically promised it to me.
16:51Oh, did he?
16:53A little bird must have told him that you're living in the dark ages and didn't have a way to the track meet Saturday.
16:58That wasn't a little bird.
17:01That was a little rat.
17:04Waiter, some cheese for my little friend here.
17:15Yes, Patty, but...
17:16You just can't let Alice be captain. I know all the yells.
17:19Yes, Patty, but...
17:20And I was captain last year.
17:21Yes, Patty, but...
17:22All the kids are counting on me.
17:23Yes, Patty, but...
17:25Aren't you going to interrupt me?
17:28Of course not. Go on, sir.
17:29Well...
17:30It's just not fair. It just isn't fair.
17:31I should have stayed with yes, Patty, but...
17:33I'm sorry.
17:34But just give me one good reason why. Why?
17:36When I... I was captain last year and...
17:41Now, I understand that you've entered into a bargain with Miss McIntosh, your history teacher.
17:45Is that right?
17:47Yes, sir.
17:48But that didn't include not being captain and the cheerleader.
17:50But you agreed not to use any mode of transportation not in use by 1800, right?
17:55Yes, sir, but...
17:56Patty, do you know how far it is from Brooklyn Heights High to the stadium where that track meet is being held?
18:01No, exactly.
18:02Well, I'll tell you exactly. It is 22 miles.
18:05Is that all?
18:06No, that is not all.
18:07If you're returning, it's 44 miles.
18:10I thought it was more than that.
18:12Now, when does your agreement with Miss McIntosh end?
18:15This Monday.
18:16Now, the track meet is this Saturday.
18:18You're going to have to make a choice, Patty.
18:20Do you want to get out of this thing with Miss McIntosh?
18:23No, sir.
18:24I've suffered this long. I'm going to finish it.
18:26Well, then you can see my problem.
18:28Obviously, you can't be to that track before noon on Saturday unless you use a bus or a car or a train.
18:34Coach Edwards?
18:36If I'm on that field by 12 noon Saturday, will you let me be captain of the cheerleaders?
18:40Patty, if you can keep your bargain with Miss McIntosh
18:43and still be at that field at noon on Saturday, you can have my job.
18:47That won't be necessary, but thanks.
18:50See you on the field Saturday.
18:53Saturday!
18:59You know, I was thinking, Saturdays don't come around that often.
19:02Why don't we all take a drive up into the country today?
19:05Oh, I'm sure Patty can't go with us.
19:07In the first place, she's not riding in anything this weekend.
19:10In the second place, today is the day of the big track meet.
19:13Oh, I forgot. She's captain of the yelling team.
19:15They call it cheerleaders.
19:17They can call it what they want, and I'll call it what I want.
19:20There's no problem. Patty isn't going to be the captain.
19:23I thought Coach Edwards said she could be.
19:25Only if she got out there by noon.
19:28Kathy told me the field is 22 miles away.
19:3022 miles away?
19:33Where is Patty?
19:34Upstairs asleep.
19:36It was after 9 o'clock.
19:37She couldn't make it out there now unless she ran all the way.
19:41Oh, hi, Kath.
19:42Good morning, Uncle Martin, Aunt Natalie.
19:45Good morning, Kathy.
19:47When I got up this morning, I found this on Patty's bed.
19:50It says, please don't worry about me.
19:52Henry is taking me to the track meet. We'll be back late.
19:56It's signed, captain of the cheerleaders.
19:59Almost.
20:01When did she leave?
20:02I don't know. When I woke up, she was gone.
20:05I've been up for hours and I didn't see her.
20:08Martin, she must have left in the middle of the night.
20:12You don't think that she'd be crazy enough to try to walk that 22 miles out to the field?
20:16And 22 miles back?
20:18That's 44 miles. That's impossible.
20:22Well, of course it's been an impossible week.
20:24You know, frankly, I never thought she'd stick to that agreement she made, but she did.
20:28Well, I suppose if she could go back 165 years, she can walk 44 miles.
20:3444 miles!
20:36Oh, Martin, she'll be dead when she gets home.
20:39You know, maybe I'll take a little drive out there.
20:42Well, you know, in case she'd like a lift back.
20:46Well, I mean, 44 miles.
20:49If I know Patty, Uncle Martin, she's not going to want a lift back.
20:52Yeah, she's stubborn. She'll crawl first.
20:55I don't know how the rest of you feel about this whole idiotic thing, but I'm so proud of her, I could just burst.
21:01You know, if she wasn't my daughter, I'd write an editorial about her. Maybe I will anyway.
21:06Why don't we have a surprise for her when she gets back?
21:09What kind of surprise?
21:10Oh, I don't know. A victory celebration?
21:13That's a wonderful idea. I'll barbecue some steaks.
21:15I'll bake some bread.
21:16I'll put up some lanterns.
21:18I'll get a pan of hot water so she can soak her feet.
21:20You know, that's the best suggestion yet, Ross.
21:23She's going to be in terrible shape when she gets back here.
21:26Say, I have a wonderful idea.
21:28Why don't we set up a couch on the patio, and then she can lie down and eat her dinner?
21:34Hey, Dad, what time is Patty going to get here?
21:37What?
21:39I said, what time is Patty going to get here?
21:43I figure I wouldn't put the hot water into it until she got here.
21:46Oh, I think it's a good idea.
21:47Yeah, I'm not going to start that fire for a couple of hours yet.
21:50Say, I figure she's going to walk around three and a half, four miles an hour.
21:54Maybe five. Twenty-two miles.
21:56She's got to rest a little on the way.
21:59Or she'll be here between nine o'clock and four o'clock in the morning.
22:03Riggity-rack, riggity-rack, ruff-a-luff-a-puff, ruff-a-tack-a-tack.
22:07Hurray!
22:09Oh, you should have been there, Poppa.
22:11We won everything. The hundred-yard dash.
22:13The fifty-yard dash.
22:14The broad jumps, the hurdles, everything.
22:16Oh, boy, I wish you were there.
22:18Even you, Ross.
22:20Honey, you just came from the track meet?
22:23Yeah, it was a clean sweep.
22:25You mean you walked all the way out there and...
22:27Walked? No.
22:29I never could have made it in time.
22:31Henry gave me a lift out and brought me back.
22:35That's exactly what I would have done, Patty.
22:38Yeah, me too, sis.
22:41I don't know.
22:42Me too, sis.
22:44Actually, it was very wise of you, dear.
22:47Yeah, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
22:49I mean, I guess it was a kind of a silly agreement anyway.
22:52I don't understand what you're all talking about.
22:54Oh, about your giving up your Pioneer Week agreement with Miss McIntosh.
23:03Well, if Henry gave you a lift out...
23:09I think maybe you all better meet Henry.
23:12Yeah.
23:28Henry.
23:30Say hello to the group.
23:43Hello, darling.
23:45Oh, hi there.
23:47Sounds like Patty's having a little party.
23:49I don't blame her. She's entitled to her victory celebration.
23:52Oh, I brought her a present.
23:55She can keep this as a reminder of Pioneer Week.
23:58I don't think she'll ever forget Pioneer Week.
24:01I know I won't.
24:04What's going on?
24:06Must be an overload in the neighborhood.
24:08Or even closer.
24:12You're crazy.
24:14I'll bet you I could.
24:16Oh, sure, bet.
24:18All right, you've got it.
24:20I'll start for one week next Monday.
24:24Okay.
24:26Gongo!
24:29Oh, hi, Papa.
24:31I'm glad you're home.
24:33I want to ask you a question.
24:35What period did the caveman live in?
24:36I want to ask you a question.
24:38What period did the caveman live in?
24:39What period did the caveman live in?
25:10But Patty's only seen the sights
25:12A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights
25:14What a crazy pair
25:16But they're cousins
25:19Identical cousins
25:21And you'll find
25:23They laugh alike
25:25They walk alike
25:27At times they even talk alike
25:29You can lose your mind
25:31When cousins
25:33Are two of a kind
25:39You can lose your mind