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00:00They say the only way to succeed in the world of show business is through talent, dedication and sheer hard
00:06work.
00:07My dad was a butcher and my dad used to bribe like all the concert secretaries with a leg of
00:12lamb to let me go on and sing.
00:14Well I guess that's the other way.
00:16Anything you can do, I can do better.
00:20Kicking off the celebrity shindig this week is Brookside actress and star of the stage, Claire Sweeney.
00:26As my mum says, when in doubt get the lippy out, put your lippy on, put your brave face on
00:30and have a laugh.
00:31That's all you can do, isn't it?
00:33Have a laugh, have a laugh.
00:35I can sing any note higher than you.
00:38No you can't.
00:40Yes I can.
00:40No you can't.
00:41Yes I can.
00:45Yes she can.
00:49Trying to rival Claire this week is fellow musical star and the man with a colourful private life, Darren Day.
00:55The most I think that I can ever hope for and I've seen a couple of times is reformed love
01:00rat or ex-love rat.
01:02I don't think it will ever actually be where they don't mention those two words.
01:05Well we'll certainly try not to love rat.
01:07Oh sorry Darren.
01:09Back with Claire, she's busy buying the most important ingredient for her main course.
01:14I couldn't kill love, I just couldn't do it.
01:16Two cooked ones please.
01:17See you nice cooked lobsters?
01:18How are those two for you?
01:19That's lovely.
01:20The seafood will go in her mane of lobster linguine.
01:24Very nice.
01:26Love lobster.
01:26I hope it's lobster sauces and stuff and it's cut up small because if she slaps a leg on...
01:31And I'm sure you'll tell her.
01:34Meet our third competitor.
01:35Straight talking How Clean Is Your House presenter Kim Woodburn.
01:39Forget the age you are.
01:41I'm Kim Woodburn.
01:4367 on paper.
01:4527 in my heart.
01:47Keep your youth.
01:48The young men love it.
01:50Watch out Darren.
01:53As she'll be cooking her lobster later, Claire's next job is her dessert.
01:57Semifredo al amaretto.
02:00I know him.
02:02Our final competitor this week is game show maestro and comedy legend Tom O'Connor.
02:08Television personality, comic heritage 1998.
02:1298.
02:12Don't tell them I want it again.
02:14Tommy Cooper always said you can tell a comedian who's dying on his feet because the next word
02:17he says is anyway.
02:19Anyway, so there is a...
02:21So when in doubt, I say anyway.
02:23Anyway.
02:24Claire's whisking a mixture of icing sugar and cream.
02:29Is this how you whisk?
02:30Is it?
02:31Would you go like that?
02:31Claire?
02:32She then adds meringues.
02:34I'm not making my own meringues because I wouldn't know where to begin.
02:37If you saw me with a whisk then, would you eat one of my meringues?
02:40Probably not, to be fair.
02:41Next, Claire adds mascarpone, macaroons and amaretto before mashing the whole lot together.
02:46They say food is the way to a man's heart.
02:50I live on my own.
02:54I can see why.
02:56Claire dishes it up and that goes into the freezer for six hours, leaving just the starter
03:00to do, a plate of antipasto.
03:02Tricky to keep all that together and I'm looking forward to that one.
03:05I don't think it requires much preparation, but isn't it wonderful?
03:09Oh, is that a backhanded compliment I hear?
03:12Claire, rather cleverly, has sought out some tips from her celebrity chef pal, Gino Di Campo.
03:16Gino emailed me this recipe.
03:19A technological genius!
03:21She starts by mixing goat's cheese, chives and olive oil before adding the figs.
03:29Ugh.
03:31I don't like figs.
03:32Why on earth are you using them then?
03:35She then wraps the mixture and some roast tomato in the parma ham.
03:38I think I was quite traumatised as a kid.
03:41My mother was a terrible cook.
03:43And she used to leave stuff in the fridge for ages.
03:45So I remember one day getting plain pasta with tomato ketchup mixed in with carrot and
03:49turnip on top.
03:50Oh, that is terrible.
03:52Hopefully tonight's dinner will be a bit tastier.
03:54A quick check on how it should look and Claire's prep is done.
03:57It's all right.
03:58I'm impressed with myself there.
04:00With her topless butler undressed to impress.
04:02Sort of.
04:03Claire's ready for her guests.
04:06And first in is the lover of young men, Kim.
04:09Brace yourself, butler.
04:12Hello.
04:13Come in.
04:14You must be Claire.
04:14And you're gorgeous.
04:15Hello.
04:16Hiya, good to see you.
04:21Cheers.
04:22You married her.
04:22Say yes, mate.
04:23No, I'm not.
04:24Wrong answer.
04:24I touched lucky.
04:27Next for the Kim treatment is the love rat.
04:29I mean, Darren.
04:30Hello.
04:31You all right?
04:31Thank you, my darling.
04:32All right.
04:32This is Gabrielle.
04:34Hello.
04:34How you doing?
04:35You all right?
04:36Hello, mate.
04:37You went all butch then.
04:39I first met Darren when you were in Summer Holiday in Blackpool.
04:43That's the first time I met you all those years ago when you were seeing which one, Anna?
04:48First of all, I...
04:49It was Tracy, wasn't it?
04:51So it was...
04:51It was...
04:52Do you know how to afford all his engagement rings, lovey?
04:54Sailor returned.
04:56But how many times do you think I'm being a guest?
04:58How many times do you think I'm being a guest?
04:59Five or six knowing you.
05:00Three.
05:00That's it.
05:01Starts your mean to go on, Kim.
05:03Last in is comedian Tom.
05:07Hello, gorgeous.
05:08How are you, sweetie?
05:08How's it?
05:09Aww.
05:11Lovely to see you.
05:12How are you?
05:13You all right?
05:13Now, do you two know each other?
05:15Yeah, some...
05:15A long way back.
05:16I won't know.
05:17A long time.
05:17Some game show.
05:18We bumped...
05:18I'll tell you, when we bumped into each other on one of the ships last year.
05:21Have you ever cruised?
05:22No, no.
05:22I worked on a cruise ship for a year.
05:25There wasn't a man safe.
05:26Oh, to say nothing.
05:28You shut your...
05:28Don't talk about me now.
05:30They're all punching us on there.
05:31They're all, like, 80 and 90.
05:33They made the expression, Andy Portman, a storm.
05:36Must have been a hell of a storm.
05:39Coming up.
05:40Toilet talk.
05:41How many bonkers that pops?
05:44I know my well-wars in the drink.
05:47Synthetic soup.
05:48What a bleeding heart, bitch.
05:50They're, like, plastic.
05:51Did you have a plastic packet on it?
05:52Now, musical madness.
05:54Should I stay or should I go?
05:57OK, right, I'm going to go and prepare me starters.
06:01Me nerves are gone.
06:02Can I say something to you?
06:03Aren't the starters cold here?
06:04What's the preparation?
06:05I'm doing bruschetta.
06:06Did you cook it?
06:08Well, you toast it.
06:09And you'll be toasted if you carry on like that, Kim.
06:11Deep breaths, Claire.
06:12Deep breaths.
06:13Cheeky mare.
06:14No cooking involved.
06:16She's a randy thing, isn't she?
06:18A little bit frisky.
06:19I'm sure she'll liven up as the week goes on.
06:21Liven up?
06:22Think she's more than lively enough already.
06:25For her bruschetta topping, Claire adds pesto to chopped onion and tomato.
06:29Oh, I've put too much pesto in.
06:30That looks awful.
06:32Oh.
06:34Whatever.
06:35Yeah, that's the spirit.
06:36Bang it out and I'm done with it.
06:37A plate of antipasto and more carping from Kim.
06:40What time do you get it to the bed?
06:41Tell me.
06:42Be truthful.
06:43I wish.
06:44I think the bruschetta's superb.
06:46Claire, well done.
06:47There wasn't an awful lot of cooking involved in the starter, but I don't think that matters.
06:51If it's good, it's good.
06:52It was nice, but I'd like to have seen something that warmed the cockles there.
06:56Warm the cockles.
06:57Well, she has seen something that's warmed her cockles, the topless butler.
07:01Do you know what?
07:02It's the minute Kim walked in and I knew she'd be made up.
07:04She'd be camping, loving it.
07:05Look, look, I can't say.
07:07I do notice men bodies.
07:10Do you?
07:11Shut your face.
07:11Don't start.
07:12Where's your other hand?
07:14On my leg.
07:14Well, keep it there because I don't know where it's wandering.
07:17I know I'm gorgeous, but try and control yourself.
07:19You are gorgeous.
07:19Pull yourself together, please.
07:20I'll try it.
07:21I'm married, dear.
07:22Be sneaky about it.
07:29She's very flirty, isn't she?
07:30But that's all good.
07:31You know, I flirt back with her a little bit.
07:32I think Darren is ensnared by me.
07:36He keeps touching me every opportunity he gets.
07:40He touches me and he's dying to clutch a boob,
07:43but he hasn't got the guts, you see.
07:44I'm not sure many men would.
07:46In a valiant attempt to change the subject,
07:48Tom tries out a joke.
07:50There's a sketch of Tommy Cooper.
07:52Thanks, thank you.
07:53Where he owned the restaurant and you had to pick your own shellfish
07:56and this fellow said, I'll have that one.
07:57He said, oh, you can't have Charlie.
07:58Been here years.
07:59Can't have that.
08:01I think that was the punchline.
08:04Is that it?
08:05That's it.
08:08Darren's not laughing.
08:10Dear, keep the drink down.
08:12The night's early.
08:13Meow.
08:15Well, I'm just wondering how many pounds we're going to gain this week.
08:17Who cares?
08:18I've been desperately on a diet.
08:20I've got to eat out every night.
08:20You've got a lovely figure.
08:22Oh, thanks.
08:22No, you have, dear.
08:23You can carry on.
08:24Come on.
08:25I think she was waiting for a reply there.
08:28She's going to be waiting a while.
08:29Get the main cup.
08:30What I was waiting for was, you know, can I tell you about you?
08:33Your meal was horrible.
08:35It's not all about you.
08:37She thinks it is.
08:38You are gorgeous, but you're not very nice.
08:39She is dominating, but you know what?
08:41That's not a bad thing, actually.
08:43That's not a bad thing, because, you know, she keeps it flowing.
08:46And the wine, too.
08:48Claire gets on with the prep for her main.
08:50She burns up...
08:51Sorry, she cooks chilli and garlic in hot oil
08:53before adding tomatoes, parsley and white wine.
08:57Yeah, smelling nice.
08:59Next, in goes passata, the lobster meat and some cream.
09:02Claire then washes the empty lobster shells.
09:05I'm going to use it as, like, decoration on the plate, really.
09:08Bad luck, Kim.
09:09She finally adds the sauce into the pasta.
09:11Claire, do you want a hand, lovey?
09:13No, darling, I'm fine, thanks.
09:15We believe you, Claire.
09:16And here it is, lobster linguine.
09:18Well, it's spaghetti, actually.
09:20I have to tell you, I'm not a shellfish eater.
09:22You're not allergic to it, are you?
09:23No, no, it's not that.
09:24No, no, no.
09:25It's looking at it.
09:26It looks like a great big cockroach.
09:29Yeah, not required, Kim.
09:30Time for another joke, Tom.
09:32Ooh, legs.
09:32I thought I went to the doctor with a black eye and he said,
09:34I opened the wardrobe and a six-foot cockroach
09:36butted me in the head and the doctor said,
09:38there's been a nasty bug going on.
09:41Ooh, that's old.
09:44The lobster mixed very nicely with the spaghetti
09:46and all round, top marks.
09:49If I'd liked it, which I didn't, bless,
09:53I would have liked more.
09:54So from that point, not quite enough if I'd liked it.
09:57Blimey, she can't help herself, can she?
09:59And it doesn't stop there.
10:01Kim's keen to share the intimate details
10:03of her main area of expertise, poo.
10:05I went in 1984.
10:08I went to Hollywood to clean the loos.
10:10And they went for famous people.
10:11And I'm going to tell you this now.
10:13Don't look at any guy or woman that's gorgeous.
10:17All the clothes, the Armani's.
10:19They give you their knickers and underpants.
10:20They're full of faeces on the back.
10:22Oh, my God.
10:23Look, I'm not going to, no, I can't put it any other way.
10:25I can't wait for the dessert.
10:26I'm sorry.
10:27I'm sorry.
10:28I wasn't sure it went well with the lobster linguine,
10:30the poo talk.
10:31I could have probably done,
10:33I could have probably eaten the lobster linguine first,
10:35then had a bit of poo talk.
10:36I've got two things that really upset me.
10:42Poo jokes and snot jokes.
10:45They actually make me balk.
10:47They make, they, I just hate them.
10:48My whole life's been faeces, faeces, faeces, faeces, dear.
10:52No wonder you talk such a lot of old...
10:55Let's move on to tonight's dessert.
10:57Semifredo a la Maretto.
10:59It's fresh cream, um, mascarpone.
11:02Claire, what is mascarpone?
11:05I got it.
11:05And then the cheese counter?
11:07I think you'd better go easy on that.
11:08It's 40% proof.
11:10That's mascarpone.
11:11What's mascarpone only?
11:12That is mascarpone.
11:13That is just one ingredient in it.
11:15Is what, you've got one pony too many when you say, I think.
11:18Seriously, it's mascarpone only.
11:20Mascarpone.
11:20It's Italian cheese cream for desserts.
11:23I feel...
11:24Legless?
11:25It's spectacular rubbish.
11:26Said the spectacular drunk.
11:28Don't hang back.
11:28Yeah, but don't hang back.
11:30Don't hang back.
11:30This is mascarpone only, it's spectacular rubbish.
11:34Indeed.
11:34And I feel, she went, what?
11:35Packets, I think she were a bunch of fools.
11:38They're just, I'm, I'm sadly testaculous.
11:41You said it's good?
11:41What?
11:42You said it's good, Kim.
11:44Oh, easy now.
11:46I think you've had quite enough already.
11:49OK, don't pass it round.
11:52Serve the head at all.
11:54Oh, that's got it.
11:55Taxes, please!
11:58Oh, blimey.
11:59Um, she drank a lot of that vodka.
12:01Now, I only had a little whiff of it, and I was sort of drunk just having a whiff of
12:06it, you know what I mean?
12:07I'd never met her before, but I tell you what, I'll never forget her.
12:10The food?
12:12OK.
12:1370%.
12:15The vodka?
12:17Lovely.
12:18Well, I'm here to vote in the food.
12:21I think we'll come back to you.
12:23Great meal, great company, good entertainment, so I'm going to give Claire an 8.
12:27I really had a good time tonight, everything was great.
12:30Great hostess, I'd better give her a 9.
12:31I thought the main cause was not what it should have been, and so I'll give her a 7.
12:38Thanks for that.
12:40That gives Claire a pretty respectable 24 out of 30.
12:47It's day two, and the turn of Darren, I'm not a love rat, day, and he's bracing himself for the
12:52new lady in his life.
12:57Kim, um, was as drunk as I've ever seen anybody drunk, but I suppose, you know, I mean, it's all
13:03part of her dinner party, isn't it?
13:04I think she's a wild card anyway, and I think that, um, she just doesn't press the edit button when
13:10she's had a drink.
13:11Kim kind of held court for an awful long time last evening, and, uh, the worst thing for me is
13:18her timing split second.
13:19Just as you get to the tag of a story, she's over you, bang.
13:22Tonight it'll be different.
13:23I've worked out the timing now, and we'll all get a go.
13:26Don't worry, leave it to me.
13:27Good luck with that, Tom.
13:29Back with Darren in a flat borrowed for the night, he's starting on his first course.
13:34Roasted pepper and onion soup.
13:37I don't like onion soup, really.
13:40That's a bit ambitious for Darren, I would have thought, that must say.
13:43For his soup, Darren adds powdered stock to boiling water, followed by tomatoes, then his roasted peppers and onions.
13:52Princey's 1968.
13:53Ooh, nice and fresh, then.
13:55With his soup ready, Darren prepares to blend.
13:58Oh, my God.
14:00You've just got to go for it, haven't you?
14:02Darren, it's only a blender.
14:03Well, all I've been told, and the tip that I've been given, is that this has to be pushed right
14:08down to the bottom, onto the surface, and then you put it on.
14:11And for God's sake, don't lift it with it still on.
14:15Brace yourselves, he's going in.
14:18Steady now.
14:24A giant leap for mankind.
14:26Well, for Darren, anyway.
14:27That's all right, isn't it?
14:28I really thought that was just going to spray us.
14:30With the soup done, Darren presses on with his main course.
14:34Stuffed chicken wrapped in Parma ham with roast potatoes and asparagus.
14:38Asparagus?
14:39Blah, I'm not too fond.
14:40To be fair, I wouldn't order this when I was out.
14:44Darren begins with his mozzarella and ricotta filling.
14:47I have no idea what the advantage of chopping it in a bowl, but I put it in a bowl
14:50and figured I'd just leave it there and chop it.
14:52Again, let's just chop it in the actual thing it comes in.
14:55Whatever makes sense to you, fella.
14:57You go for it.
14:59I'm just looking for a cheesy texture.
15:01It's got to be pretty, you know, it's obviously got to be a stuffable.
15:05So I'm looking for a very soft, stuffable texture.
15:08To his stuffable mixture, Darren adds pesto.
15:11Why did I think spinach was in it?
15:14But it's not.
15:15And if anyone ever tells you spinach is in pesto, I just don't believe them.
15:18Unless, of course, it's spinach pesto.
15:20To finish the stuffing, Darren adds sliced black olives.
15:31It's lovely, that is.
15:35No, it's alright.
15:37You don't want too much of it, though.
15:40What was that about not wanting too much?
15:42After stuffing rather a lot of the mixture into his chicken breasts,
15:45he wraps them in Parma ham before putting them into the fridge for cooking later.
15:50Next, it's dessert.
15:52Eat and mess.
15:52That'd be interesting.
15:53That's the first question I'm going to ask him tonight.
15:55What is that?
15:56Eat and mess.
15:57The mind buckles.
15:58Well, yours does anyway.
16:00Darren will prepare his dessert later.
16:02Time for a quick change and his first guest is here.
16:06It's the butcher's daughter, Claire.
16:08Hello.
16:09Hello, baby.
16:10Are you alright?
16:10How are you doing?
16:11I'm good.
16:12How are you?
16:12Alright, thank you.
16:13And she's followed by funny man Tom.
16:16Are you OK?
16:16Yeah, can I just say something before Kim gets here?
16:21What, help?
16:22Yes.
16:23I can get a word in.
16:24No chance of that.
16:26Here's the woman everyone hasn't been waiting for.
16:28You look beautiful.
16:29Oh, thank you.
16:30And hungover.
16:31Would you like a glass of champagne?
16:32No, I don't want any drink today, dear.
16:34How's your rib?
16:35What head?
16:36I haven't found it yet.
16:38You're bloody good fun, though.
16:39I think I'm to drink the drinks.
16:41You're better looking than drink.
16:44Can I say something to you?
16:45I'm not being vulgar.
16:46I wouldn't be vulgar.
16:46You know that.
16:47Can you be anything else?
16:49I'm never going off the loo, dear.
16:50No, you can't.
16:51Fry an egg on my bomb.
16:53Nothing to do with the booze.
16:55And it wouldn't need oil.
16:56That, me bomb was that.
16:58Oh, right.
16:59I know my one wasn't there.
17:00I drink, dear.
17:01She can't resist it, can she?
17:02Whatever topic you mention, you mention the motorway, and she's straight in with a toilet joke.
17:07My back end, dear, was going all day.
17:08I was really going some, dear.
17:11And, as a matter of fact, I couldn't wear a thong.
17:13My bum was very chafed.
17:15Too much information.
17:17Before he serves his starter, Darren's busy displaying everything he knows about cooking main courses.
17:22I always thought it was part-boiling, as in, like, you part-boil them before you roast them.
17:28It's par-boil them.
17:30As on a golf course, par three or four or whatever.
17:35So, um, so at least I know that now.
17:37Well, I'm not sure you do.
17:38Par-boiling is part-boiling, Darren.
17:40It's nothing to do with golf.
17:42It should all be done in half an hour.
17:45So, I'll serve the soup.
17:47You know, it looks and smells okay, and when I tasted it earlier, it tasted all right.
17:51So, um, I'm hoping it's going to be...
17:53Edible?
17:55Acceptable for my guests.
17:57Time to find out, as Darren serves his roasted pepper and onion soup.
18:02Hey, I saw some pictures of you today, from your modelling days.
18:07I googled you.
18:08Why?
18:09Did you know?
18:09I say.
18:10We're a little googly, you.
18:11But there's a fantastic shot of you, with your legs crossed.
18:15Yeah, I know.
18:15He loves that shot.
18:16Do you know the shot I made?
18:17I know.
18:18I've got a shot as well, with your mouth shut.
18:21How do you manage that?
18:24Get him drunk, I'm drunk, because I'm warning you now.
18:27No, it is a fact.
18:28You know the shot I made, don't you?
18:29I know, but you just look it up, with your legs crossed.
18:32Unlike last night.
18:33Oh, you didn't.
18:34They've all been taking the mickey out of me, and they're a rotten bunch, you know.
18:38I mean, if I was to get a woman of my age drunk, they should have been looking after me.
18:41Not getting me tittled.
18:43You were drinking it straight from the bottle.
18:46Why have I got hard bits in mine?
18:47I'm the same, Jack.
18:48I've got some as well, but I wasn't going to say anything.
18:50Did you put the wrapping paper in with it, did you?
18:52The hell are the hard bits?
18:53Seriously, I don't know.
18:54I thought it was fingernails.
18:55I thought it was one of your teeth, but obviously it's not.
18:57What are the bleeding hard bits on?
18:59They're like plastic.
19:00Did you have a plastic packet on it?
19:01No.
19:02When you cook the packet as well?
19:03It really was a very, a really good tasting soup.
19:06Had me frightened at one point.
19:07I thought it was going to wipe me out here.
19:08Until we found the bits in it, he was a threat.
19:11It was really nice.
19:14Even despite his little plastic bits, he was mortified about that.
19:18God love him.
19:19I'm devastated.
19:21I mean, I'm just sitting here trying to rack me brains as to what it, what the, what the
19:26hell these are.
19:27It genuinely does sort of look like a little bit of plastic.
19:32My worst nightmares have kind of materialised in the starter, so all I can do is hope that
19:38I can redeem myself on the main course.
19:42Yes, it certainly can't get any worse after a start like that.
19:48Hot by any chance?
19:49You all right, Darren?
19:50Yeah, I just buried myself.
19:51I've cut myself three times today.
19:53Oh, did you?
19:54I had a little accident this morning, I had to strap myself up for my little finger.
19:58But would it be the fingernail then that went into the soup?
20:00All right, Tom, let it go.
20:04Here's the main stuffed chicken wrapped in parma ham and other stuff.
20:09Is this a particular favourite of yours or you just thought of it?
20:13Basically, this is a recipe that my manager's daughter, Pearl, makes.
20:18She's 16, so she said, look, I'm 16.
20:20If I can do it, you can do it.
20:22I'm like, I don't think it works that way.
20:24What I admired about the main course, everything was just cooked to perfection.
20:28I read it and thought, he can't do this, but he can.
20:30I know comedians that say, shout out a subject from the audience.
20:34And they get the audience to shout out a subject and then the comedian would tell Joe.
20:37And someone said to me earlier, do you think Tom O'Connor could do that?
20:40And I said, well, there's no question that he could do that.
20:41Is that putting you on the spot?
20:43Yeah, but go on.
20:44Sorry, mate.
20:44So who wants to go first?
20:46You start.
20:47Go on, you close with it, go on.
20:48Marriage.
20:49Marriage.
20:51A fellow in church and the vicar said to him, you know, do you take this woman to be your
20:55lawful wedded wife?
20:56He said, I do.
20:57And the vicar said, I'll give you one more chance.
21:00A hospital.
21:02A hospital?
21:02Yep.
21:03The phone went to the hospital and the matron said hello.
21:04And the voice said, I'm just inclined about the gentleman in war day because he told me how he is.
21:09She said, he's very well.
21:10He's having his operation tomorrow.
21:11Who's speaking?
21:11He said, I'm the chap in war day.
21:12Nobody tells me anything.
21:17Infidelity.
21:18It's the policeman that came home.
21:20Went into the bedroom and his wife was in bed with three fellas.
21:23He said, hello, hello, hello.
21:24And she said, aren't you talking to me?
21:29That's really good, that.
21:31Well, you don't sound surprised.
21:33I'm not.
21:33That's good.
21:34The scariest thing in the last 12 years of my life was tonight when they said, we'll give you a
21:39topic, you tell us a gag.
21:40And I thought, oh, God, I thought, if I fail on one, I'm dead.
21:44But it worked, thank God.
21:45Lucky.
21:47Three out of three.
21:48Well, just about.
21:50Tom is shining tonight with his stories and his jokes and Darren did well with his food.
21:54And it's nice that things are more evenly balanced in the conversation.
21:59You mean, Kim, shut up.
22:00Back in the kitchen.
22:03Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
22:05Normal services resumed.
22:07Darren purees strawberries and caster sugar and then folds that into a mixture of Greek yogurt and meringue.
22:13It's ready.
22:14Eaton Mess.
22:16I'm dying to know why it's called Eaton Mess.
22:18Was this, they served in Eaton School?
22:20Oh, this is the Eaton Mess.
22:21Yeah.
22:22It was served at Eaton School, yeah?
22:24Yep.
22:24In their mess.
22:25The way the story goes is some of the lads from Eaton were taking a pavlova cake over to the
22:31dean,
22:31or whatever, and they dropped it.
22:34So they scoops it all up, and from then on it's been called an Eaton Mess.
22:38Ah.
22:39I don't know how true that is.
22:40Did they all get dirty spoons and everything?
22:42Cheeky.
22:43It's good.
22:44Strawberries are lovely.
22:45Mmm.
22:46It's really nice.
22:48But I was thinking, you know, I think that, you know, that we're such a rock and roll four.
22:54You're what?
22:55That we should form a band.
22:56No!
22:58Those of a musical persuasion, look away now.
23:01Darling, you've got to let me know.
23:05Should I stay or should I go?
23:07This is awful.
23:09Should I stay or should I go now?
23:13I wonder if the Rolling Stones need a new drummer.
23:16Should I stay or should I go now?
23:19You should go.
23:20Go, just go now.
23:21Tom O'Connor on drums.
23:24Darren Day playing the guitar.
23:26I mean, Kim Woodburn, duet and singing, should I stay or should I go?
23:29No, it was a bit surreal.
23:30And a tiny bit rubbish.
23:32I thought the dessert that Darren did tonight was absolutely delicious.
23:36Dessert a little bit heavy for me, but overall a good night, so I'm going to give Darren a six.
23:41Overall, very good, but not quite as good as last night, so a seven.
23:45Good, lovely, lovely.
23:46I'm going to give this young man a seven.
23:48So, plastic in the soup puts paid to Darren's chances.
23:52He's in second place with 20.
23:54Coming up, warm welcomes.
23:56Miss Claire Sweeney, the slapper of our parish.
23:59Boltering friendships.
24:01I find her extremely rude.
24:03Younger generation, you know.
24:04I've been waiting until tonight to get me revenge.
24:08And corny comedy.
24:09Two fellas in the pub, one said, you know what them satellite dishes?
24:12His maid said, you see, what's them little boxes at the back?
24:15His maid said, council houses.
24:16Kim has been two different people up to now.
24:19The first night she come in, all guns blaze and dominate and really full on, almost like a carry-on
24:25character.
24:27Um, last night she was demure, sat back.
24:33Oh, I'll give me the bad Kim every time.
24:35Every time, definitely.
24:36I don't think I'll drink, dear.
24:38I don't.
24:38Well, I might have a little, little something.
24:40But I can't have much.
24:41No.
24:42No, no.
24:42Because the moment, the moment, if I was to get very stoned, I think Darren would have his way with
24:47me.
24:47Surely not even Darren Day would do that.
24:50Would he?
24:51Let's focus on dessert, shall we?
24:52English trifle.
24:54Back to basics, dear.
24:55Sherry trifle.
24:56Now do me.
24:56I think it's the sherry trifle sums Kim up.
25:00All light and fluffy and creamy on top with the jelly centre, you know?
25:04You saying she's fat?
25:05Now, my loves.
25:06I go and buy a good old sponge with cream and jam in it.
25:10You can't beat it, my loves.
25:11You can't beat it.
25:12Well, you could by making it yourself.
25:14Please cut on a board, folks.
25:15Don't tear your working tops.
25:17They cost a lot of money.
25:18Get your board out, please.
25:20Behave yourselves.
25:21Now watch.
25:22In I go.
25:23Ooh, gungy, gungy.
25:24With the sponge soaking in jelly, it's on to...
25:27Tin fruit.
25:28Cheap and cheerful.
25:29Fruit cocktail.
25:31Don't be afraid to use tin stuff.
25:33I mean, lovey, I'm not going to sit and go and buy a pile of fresh fruit and boil this
25:37up.
25:37Don't be ridiculous.
25:38It is a cooking competition, Kim.
25:40Next, she adds enough sherry to sink her nana's knitting circle.
25:44Another night of debauchery.
25:45Please, no.
25:49Oh, the sherry.
25:52The whole thing of the sherry and the jelly and the...
25:57Makes you want to be sick?
25:59On to the trifle topping.
26:00I'm doing instant custard.
26:02Of course you are.
26:03I'll tell you why I'm doing it, because I can see no difference between this and the other one.
26:07Oh, isn't that lovely?
26:07Oh, my God.
26:08This woman's a genius.
26:10At opening packets.
26:12With the dessert left to cool and set, it's time for a quick clean round her hired house.
26:17If I walk into my house and it's clean, I think, oh, thank you, thank you.
26:21If I had to walk into a dirty house, I'd rather never go home.
26:24Guess that's one way to keep Kim out of your hair.
26:26On to the main.
26:27Chicken on a bed of broccoli with curry and lemon sauce.
26:30I presume they mingle and they don't have them on each side of the plate.
26:34That'd be interesting to see.
26:37The lady knows what she's doing.
26:39Of course she does.
26:39You might not be saying that later, Tom.
26:42For her unique sauce, Kim mixes three cans of chicken soup, shop bought, a mountain of curry powder and lemon
26:48juice.
26:49Now, I could go and buy a pound of lemon and spend a fortune, but this is pure lemon juice
26:53as well, you see.
26:54So why would I bother?
26:55Once again, because it's a cooking competition, Kim.
26:59After layering the chicken onto some broccoli, Kim adds her sauce and it's ready to bake later.
27:04Looks lovely.
27:06So it's on to her starter, Irish soup.
27:08I'll be honest with you, I'm not quite sure what Irish soup is.
27:11I prefer light, picky stuff for starters, personally.
27:14Kim sweats onion and potato and adds stock before reminding us how popular she is with some men.
27:20Oh, I get letters like I see you on television and I think, oh, God, gorgeous.
27:24And I love an older woman.
27:26I think I'll do, you know.
27:28And it's the only way we could meet.
27:29I can assure you there'll be nothing, no overtones.
27:32I thought, not much.
27:34Is it on?
27:35No.
27:39Now it is.
27:41Done, my dear.
27:43Done, dear.
27:44Oh, it does now smell lovely.
27:46Probably tastes like ****, but it smells lovely.
27:48Well, there's something for your guests to look forward to.
27:50And here they are, starting with the king of laughter, Tom.
27:54Hello, sweetie.
27:55Oh, hello, my love.
27:56What's kept to you? How are you, my love?
27:58Oh, thank you, darling.
27:59Bless you.
27:59Take a seat.
28:00Right, I will.
28:01And would you like...
28:02These are beautiful.
28:04I'll put them in the vase.
28:04A red or a white wine?
28:06White, please.
28:06Right.
28:07Take a pew, my dear.
28:08So that's all white wine.
28:10You've got to hate me now, but, you know, I did say white.
28:12She's not listening.
28:13Yes.
28:13Do you take...
28:14How long does it take to get here, then?
28:16She's still not listening.
28:17What do you think about it?
28:18Did you say white?
28:19Yes.
28:19Don't worry about it.
28:21Tom, did you say white, dear?
28:23I said white, dear.
28:24I've only had one, I can assure you.
28:25So far.
28:25I'll get you white.
28:26Yeah, get him a white.
28:27I mean, I'll drink it if you want.
28:29No, I...
28:30You sure?
28:31No.
28:32Next to have her drink order ignored is Claire.
28:37Come in, you...
28:38Oh!
28:39Oh, God, you look nice.
28:40You've got a bottle of booze, you can come in, dear.
28:41I didn't have what you can get out.
28:42You look gorgeous.
28:44You're right.
28:44God bless.
28:45Don't bury my nose in your bosom, dear.
28:47I'm not saying.
28:47I said a glass of wine, not a bucket.
28:49You're trying to get me back, aren't you?
28:51Don't start the innocence.
28:52You are trying to get me back?
28:54Yeah, drink like a Navi, love.
28:55I was tempted to bring the pinky vodka tonight.
28:58Oh, no, don't.
28:59I thought you dipped me with it.
29:01And last in, it's Kim's toy boy, Darren.
29:07It's like this doser playing the piano.
29:11Hello, gorgeous.
29:12How are you doing?
29:12I like your bill.
29:13How are you?
29:14You all right?
29:14Good to see you.
29:15There's Claire Sweeney, the slapper of our parents.
29:17Irish.
29:18Oh, that's true.
29:19Do you know how rich I was?
29:20It's all charm out, Kim.
29:22Dinner's up.
29:23Darren, you come here, dear, so I can get my hands on you.
29:26Like a love rat to the slaughter.
29:29Time for Kim's starter.
29:30Irish soup.
29:32Ooh, the bits.
29:33It's a nice soup.
29:34It's very nice, indeed.
29:35So it was all natural ingredients, nothing out of a packet.
29:38I wouldn't dream you was a dinner.
29:39How could you dare ask me a question?
29:40I find her extremely rude.
29:42The younger generation, you know.
29:43I've been waiting till tonight to get me revenge.
29:47I've slaved my guts out all day on this young grateful beggar.
29:50Are we going to meet your husband tonight, Kim?
29:52You're going to let him out of his cell?
29:54I'll hide him in the corner.
29:56I heard that remark.
29:57You're going to untie him, Kim.
29:59I heard what you're saying.
30:00I don't appreciate it one bit.
30:02Let him take those handcuffs off.
30:05It's Claire, you know.
30:06She loves to cause trouble.
30:08You see, she sees me as a gorgeous woman that the men want.
30:10And she's sick with jealousy.
30:12Well, who wouldn't, though?
30:13Jealous little cow.
30:15Well, it's all going terribly well, isn't it?
30:17Good starter.
30:18Irish soup.
30:18Never heard of it before.
30:19Tasted wonderful.
30:20I thought she'd be a better cook.
30:22I thought she was going to be brilliant and it was all going to be, like, fresh, lovely
30:27ingredients and everything.
30:28Well, you thought wrong.
30:29Next, Kim pops her mane in to cook before ensuring her guests lose what's left of their
30:34appetite by talking yet more crap.
30:36I'm the best lavvy cleaner Britain's ever had.
30:38There you are.
30:39Put your bum on my lavvy.
30:40What makes a good lavvy cleaner?
30:42What separates you from other lavvy cleaners?
30:44Oh, my lavvy's lovely and clean.
30:46You could eat your soup of my lavvy.
30:48Oh, yes.
30:49Because men pebble dash, you know.
30:50Wall, ceilings.
30:52Ferrer is just probably a topic of conversation.
30:54It's her everyday life and what she's dealt with for years.
30:57Ah, it's disgusting now, over dinner.
31:00Speaking of disgusting, Kim opens another packet while moaning about her co-stars, again.
31:06Well, they have a go at me all the time, this lot, don't they?
31:09She's got no manners.
31:10They're all dragged up.
31:11But who could blame them if they were rude about the mane?
31:14Chicken and broccoli with curry and lemon sauce.
31:17Good luck, everyone.
31:18It was very nice, dear.
31:19Are you sure about that?
31:21I taste a taste which is super.
31:23And the broccoli is lovely and you turn the chicken a treat.
31:26I think it was lovely, actually.
31:27I really like it.
31:29And the rice, Kim, how long did you do that for?
31:31Boil in the bag, dear.
31:33Boil in the bag rice with chicken soup.
31:35And that's being kind.
31:37I started getting a bit competitive and when her dishes was coming out, I was thinking,
31:41mine was as good as this.
31:42Unless the third course tonight is absolutely outstanding and the Queen's recommendation,
31:48I think I'm in with a chance.
31:49How long were you married for?
31:50Oh, well, I'm still technically married.
31:53For how long?
31:53Two and a half years.
31:54That long?
31:55How long have you been married?
31:5747 years.
31:5847?
31:59Same wife.
32:01You've got all this to come, love.
32:02I've never got past four years.
32:03Oh.
32:04Well, nearly.
32:06And you're you, my dear.
32:0831 years I've been married.
32:09Caught in for four years.
32:10He's lovely.
32:11You're quite a fiery, feisty, passionate woman.
32:14Is it still a very passionate, feisty relationship?
32:16Well, you have to be honest about this.
32:17When you say passion, do you mean lust and sex, dear?
32:20Yeah.
32:20No, not after 31 years.
32:22Give me a break, darling.
32:24It's not after two years.
32:25Never mind 31.
32:26But it's not about sex when you're married to somebody.
32:28No, I never thought I'd ever say that to you.
32:29You're a very sexual woman.
32:30You what?
32:31You're a sexy bird.
32:32I do a lot of dirty thinking.
32:34I don't do much about it.
32:35Oh, a filthy think.
32:35Oh, a filthy mind.
32:37The things I imagine about you, dear.
32:39It's time to feel a bit sick now.
32:42Let's move on to dessert, shall we?
32:44The custard's all awful.
32:46A major flop this has been.
32:49Because the custard's not hard enough.
32:51To cover up her cock-up, Kim adds a few strawberries.
32:54Isn't that ghastly?
32:56Ghastly is indeed the word.
32:57Here it is, English trifle.
32:59And the guests help themselves.
33:01Oh, the Queen of Clean won't be happy with that.
33:04Well, you just keep licking the spoon and put it back in here.
33:06OK, one, two, that can I...
33:07Well, lick your side only, then.
33:10She's putting all the spit in our bowl, and that awful.
33:12Spit.
33:13Absolute superb.
33:14What, spit and all?
33:15Oh, I love it.
33:16Would you mind if Mr Day took that home with him?
33:19You're going to eat it eventually.
33:20How are you going to get out of them?
33:21Hey?
33:22What are you going to get out of them?
33:23Give it down, you know.
33:24Put it in the right-hand pocket.
33:26Tell me kex.
33:27I'll tell you what, I don't know why it suddenly come to me now.
33:29You said there'd be an explosion in my pants, didn't you, the other night?
33:32It looked like one, wouldn't it?
33:34I wasn't thinking about trifle, dear.
33:36Someone call a taxi!
33:37I think the trifle really was superb.
33:40A lot of custard in it.
33:42Plenty of sherry, which was nice.
33:43And I think, yes, the best I've had.
33:47I'm giving Kim a seven.
33:49It was a really good night, but it weren't quite as entertaining a night as Claire's night.
33:55It's a seven.
33:56So Kim hasn't cleaned up.
33:58She's second on 22, with just Tom left to cook.
34:01My confidence is high.
34:03I'm unbeatable.
34:04I am the man.
34:10It's the final day, and Tom is out to prove there's more to his hometown than just music
34:15and football, with a Liverpool-themed dinner party.
34:18The classic Scouse joke is, the fellow in the pub and the barman said, isn't the weather
34:22wonderful?
34:23And the fellow said, yes, if I had a job, I'd take a day off.
34:25That good?
34:26No.
34:27Hopefully, things can get better, starting with his traditional Scouse main, Scouse.
34:33Scouse, it just says Scouse.
34:35I ain't got a clue what that could be.
34:36I hope he's not dishing up a person.
34:39In a lot of restaurants in Liverpool now, they do it as like a, you know, a delicacy.
34:44It used to be quite a poor dish.
34:45I was born eating Scouse, yes.
34:48As my dad used to say, he puts the skin on your back like velvet.
34:50What does that even mean?
34:52For his Scouse, that's a stew to you and me, Tom boils lamb and winter vegetables.
34:58Secret ingredient coming up now, two handfuls of pearl barley.
35:02The stew will simmer gently for several hours before serving.
35:05And that's it.
35:06You put the lid on that and leave it, and it boils forever.
35:10With his mane under control, Tom's on to his dessert, jam, bread and butter pudding.
35:14I love bread and butter pudding.
35:16Never had it with jam before, but I like jam as well, so that sounds good to me.
35:20There you go.
35:21Good during the war nosh.
35:23I actually fancy this now.
35:25Tom spreads jam on bread and strategically layers in a bowl.
35:28The word is Liverpool, haphazard.
35:30Just lob the stuff in.
35:32Yeah, lob it in.
35:33Next, he whisks egg and milk and then adds caster sugar before adding the egg mixture to
35:38the bread.
35:39As I said at the main course, this will go in the oven for 30 minutes.
35:42See, it's coming on.
35:43I'm beginning to impress myself now.
35:45Easily impressed, obviously.
35:47And to kick off tonight's Scouse menu is goat's cheese and onion bruschetta.
35:50What's Scouse about that?
35:52Goat's cheese and onion bruschetta, bruschetta, however you want to say it.
35:55Yeah, I like that.
35:57I like bruschetta and bruschetta.
35:58Well, pick one way.
35:59Goat's cheese and onion bruschetta.
36:01He never even heard it before he got his money in his pockets.
36:03Snob.
36:04It's a dummy run of the hardest course of the evening, which is the starter in actual fact.
36:09I've never done this before in my life, so if you just let me have one little run at it.
36:14It goes in there.
36:15Uh-oh.
36:16Steady.
36:17I used to do impressions years ago, and they're like, don't push me, don't push me.
36:22That's umpty dumpty.
36:23Decades of experience, that is.
36:25To finish his starter, Tom adds onion, marmalade and goat's cheese before finishing under the grill.
36:30I think we've got it.
36:31I think we've got it.
36:33Take it over here.
36:39It's nice.
36:40The overall meal is good now.
36:42There's not a weakness.
36:43So as far as I'm concerned, I've won this.
36:46Only if they like the dress code for tonight's party.
36:48Tom's asked his guests to come as their favourite scouser.
36:51So, welcome to our special scouser evening on behalf of my hometown, which is Bootle, of course.
36:56Bootle, a bit like Romania, without the gymnastic ability.
36:59And this is how we all dress.
37:01Everton shirts, funny wigs, and tell jokes like the two fellas in the pub.
37:05And one said, you know what, them satellite dishes?
37:07His mate said, yeah, you see, what's them little boxes at the back?
37:09His mate said, council houses.
37:11There's more to come.
37:14Can't wait.
37:15First in, it's Darren, who's come as, what, a beetle, perhaps?
37:20Sound on, calm down, calm down.
37:22Calm down.
37:23Good to see you, mate.
37:24How you doing?
37:24You all right?
37:25Welcome, yeah, you're more than welcome.
37:26Beautiful house.
37:26Nice to meet you.
37:27It's nice, isn't it, yeah?
37:28Next up, it's Kim, who's ignored the dress code.
37:31Dust.
37:31And come as herself.
37:32Bad luck, everyone.
37:34But I'll calm down, calm down.
37:35And finally, Tom's fellow Scouser, Claire.
37:38Surely she's made an effort.
37:40Hey, hey, hey, hey.
37:41Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
37:42Hey, calm down.
37:43Or not.
37:44It's come as your own favourite Scouser, so I thought, well, come as meself.
37:47Ah, whatever makes you feel wanted, Claire.
37:50Still to come, Scous sing-alongs.
37:52When I was alive, those were the gravest days of all.
37:56Warring women.
37:57And you can't cook.
37:58Shut your face.
37:59I'm getting sick of you tonight.
38:00And the results are revealed.
38:02I can't work out whose face.
38:04On charity prize.
38:05We've only got six bottles of this, so, you know, just take it easy.
38:08You sure that's enough, Tom?
38:09Well, not for Claire.
38:10Kim, whatever you say about me drinking is never going to change Monday night.
38:18You see, friends, forget all this rubbish.
38:20I don't remember anything about that.
38:21Listen, you're sitting and having a go at me for having a baby.
38:24I've got to retaliate, hon.
38:25Could you have a word?
38:26I'm your girl's new girlfriend.
38:27Defend me, please.
38:29Hey, calm down, or not.
38:31Don't be making a show of yourself.
38:33Hey, don't be making a show of yourself.
38:35Kim has started to sound like the old Kim, the original Kim.
38:39That could be bad.
38:41That could make it a long night.
38:43The only consolation is, I think her husband's coming to pick her up.
38:46If only we could ring him now.
38:48Instead, it's time for Tom's starter.
38:50Goat's cheese and onion bruschetta.
38:52Did you make it, Tom?
38:53I made it, don't you?
38:54I thought you were saving all day, you liar.
38:55I did, honestly.
38:56Did you?
38:5720 minutes.
38:58You're the first person to put salt and pepper on the table as well.
39:01Yeah.
39:01Yeah, right, we are.
39:02Yeah, I know what our votes.
39:04That's worth a nine.
39:27That's a pop-out, Kim.
39:33You'll have to win.
39:34You would.
39:36I'm not having it.
39:37No.
39:38Honestly, I'll be.
39:39We'd all like to win.
39:40Don't worry.
39:41But if we didn't, it's not going to kill me.
39:44Honestly, darling.
39:45Kim, you put plastic in a suit.
39:47That's how competitive you are.
39:48I love teasing her.
39:50I have fun to you.
39:51And I feel I can tease her because I don't mean it.
39:54Not much.
39:55To educate his trainee scoutsers, Tom doled out some Liverpudlian passports.
40:00Scoutsers passport in Liverpool.
40:01Now, your only Liverpool girls can say this.
40:03You've all got to practice.
40:03You ready?
40:04Oh, God, Mary, I feel ashamed.
40:06Oh, God, Mary, I feel ashamed.
40:08Come on, Darren.
40:08What, you want me to say that?
40:09Come on, God, Mary.
40:10Oh, God, Mary, I feel ashamed.
40:11Do you do that, though, don't you?
40:13I love it.
40:13Do you do that, though, don't you?
40:17Do you do that, though, don't you, don't you?
40:18The grace is grace.
40:21Good night is good night.
40:23A drunken scouser in the pub, and they're trying to get him home.
40:25And whatever you say, it's in your face.
40:27You better get home.
40:28I'll get home on your face in a minute, Pop.
40:32I'll get a taxi.
40:33I'll get a taxi in the face in a minute, Pop.
40:36No, the scous passport.
40:39Honestly, he just, I mean, I'll always keep that.
40:41What a wonderful memento of a lovely evening.
40:44You'll get a memento in your face in a minute, Pop.
40:47Next on Tom's scous conversion course is that mysterious Maine, Scous.
40:52Tom, tell me why it's called scous.
40:56Apparently it comes from the Norwegian.
40:59For lobscars, which is the kind of dish they had.
41:02We called it lobscouse in Liverpool because you start with a pan or whatever
41:05and lob stuff into it all the time.
41:07And then you've got blind scous, which has got no meat in it.
41:09No meat in it.
41:10I love it.
41:11All right.
41:12Absolutely love it.
41:13That's praise from you, dear.
41:15I wasn't sure what scous was, but I'd have it again, definitely.
41:18I know what it is now.
41:19It's beautiful.
41:20It was just delicious.
41:22I could have eaten more.
41:23It was lovely.
41:24As the week draws to a close, our very own Fab Four reveal what they've learned about each other.
41:29My biggest surprise is this week.
41:32What a nice person you are.
41:34Not that just friends have told me that, but you have a perception.
41:37And you're such a lovely person.
41:39And you can't cook.
41:40I thought you'd be amazing.
41:44What do I say?
41:45I'm a very good cleaner.
41:46What is the surprising thing about you that we wouldn't realise?
41:49I wanted to be a nun when I was a kid.
41:51I mean, you've changed, haven't you?
41:53My grandmother's a nun, you know?
41:55How did you come about, then?
41:56Oh, shut your face.
41:58No.
41:58No, how does that work if your grandmother was a nun?
42:00No, no.
42:01Capital nuns.
42:01You never let me finish you, you know?
42:03Part of me, salt with me cooking as well.
42:04Getting sick of you tonight.
42:06Feelings mutual.
42:07Nasty piece of work, this one, you know?
42:09Watch it, watch it.
42:10Bloody talons are coming out.
42:11Me and Kim are going to mud wrestle all my babes.
42:13I'm not sure we've got a bath that big.
42:15Well said, that man.
42:16Could you please, as my boyfriend, could you have a word, please?
42:18Defend me.
42:19My man's got to defend me.
42:21You know I'm only kidding.
42:23Well, say something, you big lump of lard.
42:26Can I have your plate, sir?
42:27Thank you, mate.
42:27The Scouse has gone very well.
42:29Better than my expectations.
42:30Their reaction has been superb.
42:32And if they mean what they say, and I think they do, I'm going to win this.
42:36But there's another course to come before Tom can discover if his confidence is justified.
42:40Jam, bread and butter pudding.
42:41I hope you'll like this.
42:43It never came out of a packet.
42:44No packets.
42:45You got that, Kim.
42:46I dare it.
42:47I dare it.
42:48Wow, wow, wow.
42:49Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
42:51Oh, it smells beautiful.
42:53Gorgeous.
42:53Oh, mate.
42:54It's just nice.
42:55The jam, bread and butter pudding.
42:57Both thumbs up for that.
42:59Yeah, just beautiful.
43:00It had that lovely thick, crispy, crusty edge into it, and then it was lovely and soft underneath.
43:06This way, children, follow me.
43:07Come on, folks.
43:08Before the winner of the £1,000 charity prize is revealed, there's just time for another sing-along.
43:13Now, this is the big surprise.
43:16I used to be a singer.
43:17If I was any good, I still would be.
43:19All you've got to do is you've got to sing When I Was A Lad every time Claire gives you
43:22a nudge, OK?
43:24Ready?
43:25When I was a lad.
43:27Corduroy britches, when I was a lad.
43:28Saturday pictures, when I was a lad.
43:31Something about fish, isn't it?
43:33Thank heavens, the Beatles came along.
43:34When I was a lad, those were the greatest days of all.
43:38Big one, here comes.
43:39These little touches tonight have really gone an awful long way, especially the little passport
43:43and all that kind of stuff.
43:44When I Was A Lad, when I was a lad.
43:47Back to the present, Tom needs 25 to win.
43:52I think Tom is a credit to Liverpool, so I'm going to give Tom a nine.
43:56His company, I couldn't score high enough, so with that reason in mind, I'm going to give
44:01Tom a ten.
44:04Because of the little touches and because he's such a lovely man and a gentleman, I'm going
44:07to give him a ten.
44:08I don't match you.
44:09All the scoring's been done in secret, so it's down to Tom to reveal the results.
44:14Calm down, calm down.
44:16Who knows?
44:16I don't know when there's going to be trouble, that's all I can say.
44:19I never know, do you?
44:19I don't know when there's going to be trouble, that's all I can say.
44:20And the answer is there.
44:24And in fourth place, Darren.
44:28Bloody plastic soup.
44:29The final one.
44:31In third place, Kim.
44:34Rats.
44:36If you only used other things than packets.
44:38And in second place, Clint.
44:43I can't work out who's first.
44:48It's me!
44:49It's me!
44:50Well done!
44:51Take care!
44:52Oh, third place, I thought I'd come fourth.
44:56I'm with a tin and packet queen.
44:58I mean, doesn't say much for Darren, does this?
45:00I reckon I've done well.
45:02Can you read that?
45:03Ooh!
45:04A nicer man couldn't have won.
45:06I'm really, really hoping to move for him.
45:08And fourth place, which is what I expected.
45:11That was so funny!
45:13If anyone deserved it, it was Tom, he's lovely.
45:15And the food was absolutely gorgeous.
45:17What a team.
45:18Well done, babe.
45:19Well deserved.
45:20Great ending, I can't believe it.
45:21I really can't believe I won less.
45:23Yay!
45:24It's gorgeous!
45:26My line-up, line-up!
45:27Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, calm up, calm up.
45:30Tranquilo.
45:31Ooh!
45:32Naughty, naughty.