00:00Good morning. It is Wednesday, April 24th at about 4.30 a.m.
00:08I just took three medications, Boost Bar, Bupropion, and Duloxetine.
00:16When I have an episode of hallucinations, I will hear these very loud voices very close to my ear.
00:26It's almost like a whisper, but it's loud.
00:30If I had to describe it, it was like if a shadow could yell.
00:35I'm feeling a little deflated. I'm really stressed out.
00:39And stress really exacerbates the symptoms of schizophrenia.
00:45I have some concerns with anyone standing directly behind me.
00:52I have also seen these shadows on the walls that come along with the voices,
00:57like a monster clawing across the wall.
01:04My name is Allie Burke, and I live with paranoid schizophrenia.
01:17The mornings are hard, especially, you know, during the week.
01:22I mean, it's hard for anyone to get up at 4 o'clock in the morning.
01:25Me having to take antipsychotic medication, it's like, it's really hard to get up.
01:30I set like five alarms in the morning.
01:33And sometimes I still can't get up, and my dad will come in and be like,
01:36don't you have to go to work?
01:39I am 32 years old, and I live with my dad.
01:45Paranoid schizophrenia is a brain disorder which can cause a multitude of symptoms.
01:51The way that it manifests with me is paranoia.
01:55I am afraid of being poisoned, so I have some concerns with, you know,
02:01anyone, like, standing directly behind me, being too close to me,
02:05and also leaving my drink down where I can't see it.
02:09So that is an everyday thing for me, even with medication.
02:14Some things that the medication has helped me with is the hallucinations,
02:19such as the voices and the, you know, the shadows that I see.
02:24I do, on occasion, still hear voices.
02:28It's in a language that I can't understand,
02:30and there's another voice that tells me that I'm useless and worthless
02:35and not worth anything, and that I should just quit and give up everything that I do.
02:42So I take these three medications in the morning.
02:45There are two antidepressants and one anti-anxiety.
02:53Me being tired is definitely a side effect of the antipsychotic medication that I take at night.
03:01My boyfriend and I are going to see a movie today.
03:03This morning, before the movie, I'm going to work on some stuff.
03:07I'm the senior VP of a non-profit organization.
03:11Stigma Fighters essentially is a platform to give people with mental illnesses a voice.
03:18I do work a lot for the day job, and then I have my writing stuff,
03:23and I'm working on a couple projects right now with a couple other people with schizophrenia,
03:28so it's a lot.
03:30It's a lot to do, and not enough time in the day.
03:39No wonder I can't see.
03:41I never really realized as a child that there was something potentially wrong with me.
03:48I just thought that's one of those scary things that you have to deal with when you go to bed
03:52at night.
03:53The monsters come out, and that's really how I looked at it.
03:58Fast forward a little bit.
03:59I was in college, and I started hearing the voices while I was taking a test,
04:05and that was the first time I had ever heard them during the daytime.
04:11The next couple years were really difficult.
04:16They started getting worse and worse, and I started seeing these, like, shadows around.
04:23So eventually, I went to see a psychiatrist, and they prescribed me some medication,
04:30which would be many, many years of me trying different medications
04:34and trying to figure out what worked for me.
04:37That time, they diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder,
04:40but a couple years later, they changed it to paranoid schizophrenia.
04:46It's very scary to know that at any time, you know, something could happen
04:51where you're going to see something that maybe other people don't see,
04:57or you're going to hear something that other people don't hear.
05:02It's not 100% that I can predict that I'm going to have an episode today.
05:07It is going to happen sometimes,
05:09and that, I think, is just the nature of how the disorder affects me personally.
05:15But there are triggers that I have identified for myself,
05:18which includes, like, stress and feeling overwhelmed.
05:24I don't know how conclusive this is, but there's some information out there
05:28to suggest that smoking or vaping can reduce the side effects of antipsychotic medication.
05:35It keeps me calm, especially in high-stress days.
05:41The internet has been very helpful in connecting with people with schizophrenia.
05:46A friend of mine found me on my Facebook page.
05:50He's an artist, and he actually made an illustration of me.
05:55These are the medications that I take.
05:59There's books there because he knows that I'm obsessed with reading.
06:05It was very difficult at first because I didn't have insurance.
06:09My first doctor was trying to work around that,
06:12and at the time, the medication that worked really well for me did not have a generic.
06:22It's taken me pretty much since I was 26,
06:26probably until I was 31,
06:28to get the right mix of medications.
06:31So these are the two medications I take at night.
06:37Zyprexa is anti-psychotic,
06:39and the Ambien is the sleeping pill.
06:49I do come out here a lot.
06:50I love the flowers.
06:52I grew up in this house, you know,
06:54so it's a good environment for me.
06:57I have no idea what any of this stuff is,
07:01but it's all so beautiful, so I love it.
07:05Come here.
07:07Come on.
07:11If I'm having, like, a bad day or I'm having some symptoms,
07:14I can just get close to the animals,
07:17and they'll always be there.
07:19They love you unconditionally,
07:20no matter what you're going through, so.
07:23Come on, in or out.
07:24In or out.
07:25Okay.
07:26Pick one.
07:27Okay.
07:35Hi, Allie.
07:36Hello.
07:37It's good to see your face.
07:39It's good to see you, too.
07:41So I wanted to give you a call
07:43and talk a little bit about the book that we discussed,
07:46kind of about, you know,
07:47our experiences with schizophrenia.
07:49I had a couple of suicide attempts
07:52when I was psychotic,
07:54and I think that's important to include
07:57in my backstory as well.
07:58I mean, people saved my life,
08:00and I'm so thankful to those people,
08:03those strangers that stepped in
08:05and literally acted and saved my life.
08:08So I probably include that in my backstory.
08:10I personally didn't know anyone with schizophrenia
08:13when I was diagnosed,
08:16so I think it really helps
08:18to have someone to relate to
08:20and to give you advice
08:22from time to time.
08:29I'm going to my boyfriend's house.
08:32We were together for two years.
08:34We took some time apart
08:36because of how I was struggling
08:39with schizophrenia.
08:43He pays attention
08:44and kind of knows
08:46when I'm having a hard time,
08:48so he is amazing.
09:14I don't know that we've ever seen
09:16an Avenger movie together
09:18in the theater, have we?
09:19We weren't able to get tickets
09:21in the very back,
09:23which is usually where we sit
09:26because my paranoia makes it difficult
09:29for anyone to be behind me,
09:32but they weren't available,
09:33so I am a little cautious about going,
09:36but I'm a huge fan,
09:38so I'll have to suck it up.
09:44I was living with DeLon.
09:46I was just really struggling
09:47with mental health.
09:49I was in a bad way.
09:51I was depressed.
09:51I was anxious.
09:53I didn't feel as if I was in a position
09:56to support him in a relationship,
09:58so I said,
09:59I'm going to move in with my dad
10:01and see how that goes,
10:04and of course,
10:05we found each other again
10:09about five months ago,
10:10and it's been absolutely amazing
10:13to spend every moment we can
10:15with each other,
10:16so I do sometimes regret leaving,
10:20but at the same time,
10:21in the state of health
10:23that I am in now,
10:24I really feel that
10:26it was the right thing to do
10:28both for me and for him.
10:32Do you know what you want to get?
10:33What are you getting?
10:36Check this out.
10:38I know.
10:38You didn't know they had that?
10:39Yeah.
10:40So when I walk into a restaurant
10:43that's kind of busy, for example,
10:46I would usually look for a table like this,
10:49which I think is very lucky today
10:51because you can't always find them.
10:54It's fear, really,
10:55that someone is trying to harm me.
10:57Someone is standing behind me
10:58trying to harm you.
10:59And it's funny because yesterday
11:00that she was telling me
11:01that I was good with making sure
11:03that she gets a booth
11:04or something against the wall.
11:06She said I'm good with it,
11:07but actually, to be honest,
11:09it comes naturally.
11:15You okay?
11:15Mm-hmm.
11:16Okay.
11:17I know it's not rational
11:19for me to not want to look away
11:21from my drink in a restaurant,
11:22but I can't shake it.
11:26Okay.
11:26This one, your patai noodle.
11:27Thank you so much.
11:30Thank you so much.
11:32I do have plans to move in with Delon.
11:35Besides my dad,
11:36I couldn't think of a better person,
11:37more supportive person
11:38to start a life with.
11:50I don't know where I'd be today
11:53without my insurance.
11:59I'm in my 30s,
12:00and I live with my dad,
12:02but my fear is that
12:03I won't be able to work
12:04and I won't be able to qualify
12:06for a disability
12:08and, you know,
12:09I won't be able to have a home
12:11or have a car.
12:14That fear comes from people
12:15that are in that situation.
12:18There are people with schizophrenia
12:20who don't have a home
12:22and don't have anyone
12:24to support them.
12:26It is a very real thing
12:29that's going on in our world
12:31and scares me.
12:56I don't know where I'm going.
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