- 7 weeks ago
First broadcast 13th December 1968.
The arrival of a new student teacher causes problems for staff and pupils.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Gay Hamilton - Ann Collins
The arrival of a new student teacher causes problems for staff and pupils.
John Alderton - Bernard Hedges
Deryck Guyler - Norman Potter
Noel Howlett - Mr. Cromwell
Joan Sanderson - Doris Ewell
Richard Davies - Mr. Price
Erik Chitty - Mr. Smith
Liz Gebhardt - Maureen Bullock
Penny Spencer - Sharon Eversleigh
Peter Cleall - Eric Duffy
Malcolm McFee - Peter Craven
Peter Denyer - Dennis Dunstable
David Barry - Frankie Abbott
Gay Hamilton - Ann Collins
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00The Lone Ranger
00:30¶¶
01:00Did you just stick a drawing pin in there?
01:03No, I'm standing here playing to bagpipes.
01:05What do you think I'm doing?
01:07Now, look, if you don't stop interfering with me,
01:09I shall come off my ladder.
01:10Well, if we don't get these blackout curtains up soon,
01:13it'll be too dark to need them.
01:14Well, who ever heard of films at school, anyway?
01:17The kids are here to learn.
01:18I see they're here to learn, aren't they?
01:19You know, not to be entertained.
01:21All right, I'll do it myself.
01:22You'll not set foot on a rung of mine.
01:24And you'll kindly not tell me
01:26how to adjust my light exclusion sheeting.
01:30Light exclusion sheeting?
01:33It's just old blackout curtains left over from the Blitz.
01:36Don't you malign the Blitz.
01:38I'm not.
01:39Yes.
01:39My Ruby was on Ballage Balloons during the Blitz.
01:44She must have been a bit cold floating about up there.
01:47That just proves you don't know what you're talking about, doesn't it?
01:49Ballage Balloons didn't have pilots.
01:52See?
01:53Oh-ho.
01:53All right, there we are.
01:57Light exclusion sheeting affixed.
01:59In spite of you.
02:01Potter.
02:03Don't tell me.
02:04Nazi moths.
02:06Why don't you bring the new curtains down?
02:08I know you've got some.
02:09I know I have.
02:11But if these had enough guts to see jelly out,
02:13they will certainly outlast you.
02:15And your rotten clots.
02:17Mr. Potter.
02:18Yes.
02:20You're a little treasure.
02:21Get out of it.
02:22Get out of it.
02:25Yeah, Potter, do you know you've got a ladder?
02:27Little man of...
02:27That's it, Potter.
02:28You take steps.
02:31A good dose of national service.
02:33That's what you lot need.
02:35Did you do national service, sir?
02:38No, Maureen.
02:38I was too young.
02:39Too young.
02:40Oh, how sweet.
02:42Oh, films.
02:43Can I turn the lights out?
02:44Yes, Dannet.
02:45When I say the word now.
02:47All right.
02:49Right, Duffy.
02:51Do you know how to work one of these things?
02:52Oh, boy.
02:54Fancy trusting an expensive piece of equipment to a little child.
02:57It's a load of old rubbish that should have been scrapped years ago.
03:00That's why I'm trusting it to a little child, Duffy.
03:02Hurtful, Chief.
03:03Hurtful.
03:04Here, Chief.
03:05Is that true we've got a student teacher coming today, then?
03:07Yes.
03:08Big ears.
03:09It is.
03:10Tart, is it?
03:11A young lady abbot, I believe so.
03:13They're all tarts to me.
03:15Pardon?
03:16Yes, sir.
03:17Yes, sir.
03:17There's no chance of this being a love film, is there?
03:20Not unless Greek Architech who gets you going.
03:22No show.
03:24All right.
03:24All right.
03:26Now.
03:27No, no, no.
03:28Put the lights on again, would you, Dennis?
03:30You said now.
03:32Yes, I know I said now, but you've got to wait.
03:34What is it now?
03:36Oh, um.
03:37Good morning, Monsieur.
03:39Good morning, Mr. Hedges.
03:40Good morning, 5C.
03:45Morning, Mr. Hedges.
03:47Oh, Frank.
03:49Well, Mr. Hedges, as our student teacher's subject is the same as yours, I've decided,
03:54or rather the headmaster's decided, that she should have the benefit of your six weeks
03:59at Fen Street for her first couple of days.
04:01What's she like?
04:03Thus far, impressive.
04:05Sensible.
04:05I beg your pardon?
04:08Well, you know how a man generally feels when he hears a girl described as sensible?
04:12I've no idea how a man feels.
04:14No.
04:15Oh.
04:18We'll try to set a good example, Mr. Hedges.
04:24Miss Collins, in here.
04:26Mr. Hedges will start you off.
04:28Ho-hey!
04:29All right, all right.
04:31Shut up.
04:31Now, Miss.
04:36Anne.
04:37Anne.
04:41Fair.
04:41Very fair.
04:43Darling.
04:44This is marvellous.
04:45How long is it?
04:46A year, it must be.
04:47As long as that.
04:49I can't get over it.
04:50You can't get over it.
04:51Darling.
04:52Yes?
04:53Look, I'm sorry about that night.
04:55Well, I shouldn't have done that to you.
04:57Hey!
04:57All right, just, er, just, er, carry on, er, carry on.
05:04I, I really am sorry about that night, darling.
05:06It wasn't all your fault, Bernard.
05:08I was in one of those silly moods.
05:09I know just what she means.
05:11Ooh.
05:13Yes, but I felt a pig next morning leaving you in the lurch like that.
05:17Oh, no.
05:18Dirty devil.
05:21My mother was rather upset, you know.
05:22She was very fond of you.
05:24Not the mother at all.
05:26Well, I was fond of her, too.
05:29I still am.
05:30And your father.
05:31What a funny family.
05:34It's just that I, I didn't think I could show my face again after what I did.
05:38I'll never trust a man again.
05:41Look, it's all forgotten.
05:42I had enough money.
05:44Here comes the crunch.
05:46Yes, but row or no row, you don't just leave a girl to pay the bill.
05:51I, I was going to phone you.
05:52I wish you had.
05:54You know, I've got a strange feeling that we might just get together.
05:59Hello.
06:00He's getting a second innings here.
06:03Darling.
06:05Darling.
06:07Ah!
06:08Ah!
06:09Yay!
06:10This is, uh, this is, uh, uh, Miss, uh, Miss Collins.
06:17How do you do?
06:18I'm Mr. Dunstable.
06:20Hello, Mr. Dunstable.
06:23Yes, yes, okay, uh, Dennis.
06:26Hello, Miss.
06:28I'm, uh, Eric Duffy.
06:30If there's ever anything I can do for you, anything at all, you say the word.
06:35All right, uh, all right, Duffy.
06:37Now, you're always telling me you're a little child,
06:39so let's behave like one, shall we?
06:41See, all we really need, Miss, is, like, a bit of love and understanding.
06:44Games are on Wednesday afternoon, Cramen.
06:46Uh, we'll, uh, we'll talk later, Miss Collins.
06:54All right, all right.
06:56Now then, if you, uh, if you care to sit in.
06:59Uh, with me, and, uh, and get the feel of things.
07:09Hooray!
07:12Miss, you said they were a rough lot.
07:14Oh, they are, but I've, uh, I've got them pretty well organized by now.
07:20Uh, now, you're on the lights, aren't you, Dennis?
07:22No, no, no, no, no.
07:25Put them on again.
07:26Uh, Duffy, now, I'm going to give you and Craven the slides.
07:30We've already got the slides.
07:32Uh, yes, you, you've, uh, you've already got the slides.
07:35Ahem.
07:36Uh, right-o, Dunstable.
07:37What?
07:38Put the lights off, will you?
07:41Eh, stop it.
07:42Who's doing that?
07:44We'll have the projector on, I think, Duffy.
07:46Right.
07:46Roll them.
07:47Now, uh, can anyone tell me what that is?
08:00Um, Maureen?
08:02No, I don't want to.
08:05Oh, all right.
08:07Um, Abbott?
08:09Yeah, looks like the Odeon down Rubberard to me.
08:14Yes, uh, very close.
08:15It's the Parthenon in Athens.
08:18And the, uh, first one to ask what's on this week gets a hundred lines.
08:22Sir?
08:23Miss?
08:24Sir?
08:25Uh, what is it, Dennis?
08:26I don't know where I am.
08:28No, you won't.
08:29Not in the dark with this lot.
08:30I'll go.
08:31All right, Dennis.
08:33Come along.
08:34There we are.
08:36Right.
08:37Uh, now then, uh, can anyone tell me anything about the Parthenon?
08:43No answer was the stern reply.
08:46Right.
08:47Well, let's have some questions then.
08:52Now, come on.
08:53Come on, surely somebody's got a question.
08:56Please, sir, why are we holding hands?
08:57Good morning, Smithy.
09:20Secrets?
09:21No, no, no.
09:22Good morning, my dear.
09:23What a beautiful day.
09:25You seem to bring the sunshine into the staff room with you.
09:29Smithy, you're a fast worker.
09:30You've only known me two days.
09:32Miss Collins, I wonder if you would accept a small token of my esteem.
09:37Oh, how sweet.
09:38The modest rose puts forth a thorn.
09:42The humble sheep, a threatening horn.
09:44But the lily white shall in love delight.
09:48Not a thorn, not a threat, stain her beauty bright.
09:51Smithy, you're an old love.
09:53Oh, good morning, my little treasure.
09:58Morning, my lovely.
10:00Oh, my vergon and een haar.
10:03I wish she was.
10:04I would have her on my timetable every day of the week.
10:07I gave her a ruse.
10:09You old drum.
10:12Oh, you know, a little bit of student crackling arrives.
10:13You all start acting like young Richard Burton's.
10:16The fact that you're wearing your best rugby club blazer has not escaped my notice, Bryce.
10:20It's got nothing to do with it.
10:21It's a club dance tonight.
10:23You told me it was next Thursday.
10:24Oh, shut up.
10:25Go make the show.
10:26Oh, look at it, look at it.
10:36That expression rings a bell from my distant youth, you lucky swine, you...
10:41Well, it's my duty to show a student everything I know, Bryce.
10:44What's the secret?
10:45I mean, you're bloody ugly, aren't you?
10:48The Dwight Hooper School of Animal Magnetism.
10:51Stop mucking about.
10:52I mean, really.
10:53Well, we knew each other a year ago, and last night we just seemed to have rekindled our
10:57Olympic flame, that's all, Bryce.
10:59Oh, what happened, boy?
11:00Well, when we got back to my flat last night, I cracked a bottle of wine.
11:04Aye.
11:05Put on the soft music in the soft lights.
11:08Aye, aye.
11:09And then I played my trump card.
11:11Oh, lovely.
11:12What?
11:13I showed her my Rupert Annual.
11:16Oh.
11:17Bloody English.
11:18You know, what impresses me about your young lady here is that she's not just a little
11:25dolly.
11:26She's very efficient at her job as well.
11:30Well, yes, yes.
11:31I know, you're going to Phi C nowadays, you don't know which one of them is the student.
11:35Yes, well, she had me to show her the ropes, you know.
11:37Ah, she's got over that handicap as well.
11:39Oh, be fair, old man.
11:41You must admit she settled in rather more quickly than you did.
11:44All right.
11:45Who's keeping tabs?
11:47Well, Mr. Hedges, it seems you're due to be congratulated.
11:53You haven't seen the best of me yet, Miss Hull.
11:55I meant congratulated on your good fortune in having such an outstanding student.
12:01Yes, well, she's fairly good, I suppose.
12:05I've certainly never seen 5C so well behaved.
12:08Yeah, well, I told them to.
12:09That doesn't usually have much effect, does it?
12:13Look, you're just seeing it's accumulative, you're seeing the effect that I've put all
12:16the work in since I've been here.
12:20What a fragile thing the male ego is.
12:24Well, you should know, Doris.
12:27Old boy.
12:27Sorry, Fritz.
12:43I didn't make the rules.
12:46Hello, Abbott.
12:47Who's winning?
12:48Captain Marvel?
12:48This ain't a comic.
12:50This is a true war story with pictures.
12:53Oh, I'm sure it is.
12:54Mind you, that picture's inaccurate.
12:57Prove it.
12:58Well, you see that American lieutenant?
12:59What?
13:00Old Tex Ryan?
13:01Yeah, well, that's a .45 calibre automatic he's using.
13:04Is it?
13:05Oh, oh, yeah, of course it is, yeah.
13:07Yeah, well, a bullet out of that at close range would knock a man over backwards, and that
13:11chat's falling forwards.
13:13That's an impact of about a quarter of a ton, you know.
13:15A quarter of a ton of lead right in the belly?
13:18Ah, fantastic.
13:21You know something, miss?
13:24You're what I call a real woman.
13:26Why, thank you.
13:28See you in class, then, baby.
13:32What a way to qualify as a real woman.
13:36Darling, somebody mentioned that you've been to see Mr. Potter about the new blackout kernels.
13:40Yes.
13:41Well, that really is my job, darling.
13:43I was only trying to save you the trouble.
13:44Yes, I know, but some people might construe that as you're going over my head.
13:50Now, I don't, but some people might.
13:52Oh, Bambi's in one of his moves.
13:55Well, look, stop there.
13:56You didn't say that last night.
13:57Oh, I didn't.
13:59No, no, that's not the point.
14:00Now, this is official, darling.
14:03You must understand that there are certain strata of authority.
14:07Strata?
14:07Thank you, and shut up.
14:09Now, look, those curtains are my job.
14:11All right, you bitch.
14:12Now, look, if you want that muscle in my cheek to start twitching again...
14:15Oh, don't get ratty, darling.
14:16I'm not ratty.
14:18Darling.
14:20It's just that you must understand that this man, Potter, needs careful handling.
14:24He needs someone with experience.
14:26You mean like you, with your six weeks?
14:29It's a month and a half now, Anne.
14:31I just think it'll be better if you leave him to me, that's all.
14:34All right.
14:35All right.
14:35Here he is.
14:39If it moves, salute it.
14:40If it stands still, paint it.
14:47Hello, Potter, old chap.
14:49Painting, are we?
14:50No, I'm standing here playing the bagpipes.
14:53What?
14:54That's more than back at you, isn't it?
14:56Yes, fair enough, fair enough.
14:58Look, I was wondering whether you'd let me have those new blackout curtains.
15:03No.
15:04Now, don't beat about the bush.
15:05Give me a straight answer.
15:06Now, look, do you mind?
15:07I'm trying to demarcate my coke area.
15:09Yes, but I mean...
15:12It's people like you that slush paintings in the National Gallery.
15:18Well, I'd hardly call this a Rubens.
15:22Oh, look.
15:23It's like Victor Sylvester's dance steps, isn't it?
15:26Well, that's stupid for a start, isn't it?
15:30Because my Ruby and I are great dancers role.
15:33Oh, yes, yes.
15:34We won a medal.
15:35A medal for the St. Bernard's Waltz.
15:38She must have looked a bit odd waltzing around with a barrel of brandy around her neck.
15:42Excuse me.
15:45Isn't that the Africa Star ribbon?
15:48Yeah.
15:48What have it been?
15:49Just that my dad's got one.
15:51Has he?
15:53Oh.
15:54Well, what unit was he in, then?
15:55Seventh Farmer Div.
15:57Div?
15:58Div.
15:59How do you know words like div?
16:01Raised on them.
16:02My dad was a regular soldier.
16:04Not a regular desert rat, eh?
16:06Well, now, isn't that wonderful, eh?
16:08Oh, yes.
16:09Of course, I was conscripted, you know.
16:10Yes.
16:11I was never regular in the desert.
16:15Must have been all the sand that got into the food, I should think.
16:19You must have had some pretty manky rations out there.
16:21Manky rations.
16:23Manky rations.
16:24It's years since anyone said that to me.
16:26Manky rations.
16:28Manky rations.
16:30Tell me, do you know, get your knees brown.
16:32Yes.
16:33Brew up.
16:34Jankers.
16:35Thunder boxes.
16:35Thunder boxes.
16:36Thundits up, son.
16:38That's R.A.F.
16:39Brew cream boys.
16:41Well, my dear, I pay you the highest compliment, an old desert rat nose.
16:45You could well have been in the ATS.
16:48Oh, thank you.
16:49Unlike some people I can mention.
16:51I should hope not.
16:53All right, my dear.
16:55You come along with me.
16:56I've got some curtains for you.
16:59Black roller windows for the use of.
17:02Marvelous.
17:03Lead on, quartermaster.
17:04Quartermaster.
17:05Oh.
17:06Tell me, did your dad ever get that gypo gut in the desert?
17:11Oh.
17:11Oh.
17:12Oh.
17:12Oh.
17:12Oh.
17:12Oh.
17:12Oh.
17:12Oh.
17:12Oh.
17:13Oh.
17:13Oh.
17:13Oh.
17:13Oh.
17:13Oh.
17:13Oh.
17:13Oh.
17:14Oh.
17:14Oh.
17:15Oh.
17:15Oh.
17:15Oh.
17:15Oh.
17:15Oh.
17:16Oh.
17:17Oh, I'll come back later.
17:27Oh, no.
17:27That's all right, Anne.
17:29Did you want to see the headmaster about something?
17:31I just wanted to arrange an outing for 5C.
17:34Oh.
17:34Brave girl.
17:36Oh.
17:37That's nice.
17:38Esprit d'amour.
17:39Would you like to try some?
17:40No, thank you.
17:41I always use woodland rapture.
17:45Well, you go on in.
17:46I have to see the headmaster about the revised timetable.
17:49It'll be quite a long session.
17:56I'm not in.
17:59Headmaster.
17:59Oh, fortunate is the headmaster who finds two lovely girls waiting at his portals.
18:04Now, who's first, or is it to be a ménage à trois?
18:10Miss Collins first.
18:11I'll wait.
18:12Oh, thank you, Miss You.
18:13Now, Miss Collins.
18:15Oh, what a very delicious perfume.
18:17Yes, Miss Collins.
18:25Now, straight up, Eric, you really are a mohair person.
18:29Yeah.
18:29Not a bare bit of schmatter, is it, eh?
18:32Like the old Dickie Dirt, do you?
18:33Nice.
18:33A bit nice, Maul.
18:35It's all right?
18:36Yeah, well, I've gone walk with a Dean Martin look, meself.
18:39You know, dream along with Dean Craven.
18:42Well, she likes me just the way I am.
18:44Yeah.
18:45You're all daft, if you ask me.
18:46I don't see she's worth dressing up for.
18:48Ah, you're just jealous, because Privet Edges is trying to pull her.
18:51Shut up!
18:52There you go.
18:53Sam.
18:57Where's Miss Collins?
18:58Gone to see Oliver Cromwell.
18:59Mr. Oliver Cromwell, I think the headmaster.
19:02Yeah, him.
19:02Are you getting married or something today, Duffy?
19:06No.
19:07This feels smooth today, don't I?
19:10Oh.
19:12Please, sir, can I be excused?
19:23Oh, yes, Dennis, you may.
19:24All right, sit down.
19:27Cool, look.
19:29Frankie's got a tattoo.
19:30Yeah.
19:31Had it done by this sailor, didn't I?
19:32Cool.
19:33Oh.
19:41Biro.
19:43Yeah, well, that's just the design.
19:45He's doing a real thing tomorrow.
19:47With his biro, presumably.
19:49Sir, are you coming on the outing?
19:52Yes, of course I am.
19:53An outing?
19:54Yeah, the one Anne's gone to see Oliver about.
19:56Miss Collins, Sharon.
19:58Uh, yes, well, of course I, um, I, in fact, organised it.
20:02I thought you had.
20:04Where's it to, then?
20:05Well, we'll be going to, um, we'll be taking the green line.
20:09Do you know very well where we're going to, Duffy?
20:11Uh, stand.
20:15Yes, yes, stand, stand.
20:18Sit down.
20:19Yes, sit, sit down, sit down.
20:21Crack your little dress up, Miss.
20:23Crack it.
20:24Thank you, Peter.
20:25Yeah.
20:25Where did you get it, Miss?
20:26I'll tell you later, Sharon.
20:29Uh, Miss Collins, if we might get on with some schoolwork now?
20:32I'm sorry, Mr. Hedges.
20:36You've gone over my head again, haven't you?
20:38Well, I couldn't find you.
20:39I assumed you were busy washing white paint off the soles of your shoes.
20:44Well, I wasn't.
20:44I was making a fool of myself in front of the class, talking about the outing.
20:48Why?
20:49Because I haven't the vaguest idea where the hell we're supposed to be going.
20:53Bernard, what is the matter with you?
20:55I'm just getting a little sick and tired of you trying to ingratiate yourself with everybody,
20:59particularly my class.
21:01My class, that's it, isn't it?
21:02That's right.
21:02Nothing's the same anymore.
21:05You see what I mean?
21:07Hello, Miss.
21:08Do you like my hair?
21:09I'm just getting a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a
21:40Oh, and with the plans for the new ATC hut, I see.
21:43What a shame the other one was burnt down.
21:45The new school timetable, actually, headmaster.
21:48Oh, quite.
21:49Well, now, item one, clear the decks for action.
21:54Of course, I've only penciled it in.
21:56But I think you'll find that each member of the staff is accurately deployed.
22:02Yes, I'm sure I will.
22:06Doris?
22:07Yes, Morris.
22:09Have you been teaching science this morning?
22:12There's rather a nasty chemical smell in here.
22:16I see.
22:17I suppose you prefer Esprit d'Amour.
22:20Esprit d'Amour?
22:20What is that, a film?
22:22I don't understand.
22:23No, you won't.
22:23What's the matter, Doris?
22:25Don't touch me.
22:27The new timetable.
22:29That for the timetable.
22:30I'm sure you'd prefer to work it out with some other female member of the staff.
22:33Oh, my God.
22:41Monsieur?
22:41Hello.
22:42What's the matter?
22:43Your glasses are all misted up.
22:45Nothing.
22:49Life can be very unfair, Mr. Hedges.
22:52Yes, don't I know it.
22:53One devotes oneself to the school, does one's best to help.
22:58Then along comes some flippity-jibbit of a student.
23:01Suddenly, experience goes for nothing.
23:04Yes, exactly. And why?
23:05Because she leaves all the spadework to us older teachers
23:07and reaps all the gimmicky glory herself.
23:10Gimmicky. The very word for her.
23:12Yes. You know, she had the nerve to call me jealous.
23:17Absurd. As if either you or I would be jealous of her.
23:21Bernard.
23:24Yes, on the nail, Doris.
23:27Look, how about skipping school lunch?
23:31Fancy popping over the road for a bite to eat?
23:34Why not?
23:36Let's go over the road for lunch.
23:39We'll have a drink as well.
23:41Are you coming for lunch, Edges?
23:43No, thanks. I'm taking Doris over the road for a bite to eat and a pint.
23:46Oh, I see, I see.
23:49Doris?
23:50Bloody hell.
24:28The timetable, he calls it. It's more like a bloody snakes and ladders board.
24:32Look, Miss Ewell, I don't know why you left it with the headmaster for the first time in ten years,
24:35but can't you put it right and then tell him it was his idea?
24:38No, I can't. I'm making up for all the tea breaks I missed on his behalf.
24:42Well, something's got to be done.
24:44According to this, I'm supposed to be down the bath with 2B and in the physics lab before, eh, at the same time.
24:49What am I supposed to do? Split myself in half?
24:55What are you supposed to be, Smithy, the man in the iron mask?
24:59Oh, I'm down to take metalwork.
25:01What?
25:01I'm down to take metalwork.
25:04You'll have to lift your hatch. I can't hear what you're talking about.
25:07I see. I'm down to take metalwork.
25:10It's quite absurd. I don't know anything about spot welding.
25:15I can't swim and I'm supposed to be down the bath.
25:18Look, you don't have to wear this bone-dumb until you take the class.
25:21Come on, sit down here. It's hard, love.
25:23I just want to get used to it. It's very claustrophobic inside there. I wouldn't like to show signs of panic in front of the children.
25:33Well, I don't see why not. Everybody else is.
25:35I've never seen Doris withholding her labour before.
25:41I don't know. It beats me.
25:44Oh, come on, miss. You will stop acting like a woman and sort this lot out.
25:49Any more tea in the pot?
25:51Oh, I think this new timetable's great. We've never had mixed games before.
25:58We're not going to be any now, either.
26:01Never mind, Char. You can be team leader, if you like.
26:03Right up the front and then one touch of toes.
26:06Two touch of toes.
26:07Sexy maniac.
26:09Well, I'm not sure I like it.
26:11I don't think Monsignor Sotworth would approve.
26:13Well, he ain't coming down here with his vicar's shorts, is he?
26:15They don't have shorts.
26:17I expect they wear like little mini surpluses when they do, Jim.
26:21I've got shorts.
26:24My dad nipped them from the army for me.
26:26Very nice, too, Dean.
26:28Keep your knees nice and warm.
26:30Want to see my frog, Maureen?
26:32Oh, Dennis, you've never got a frog down there.
26:35No, this frog I do. Look.
26:39Croak, croak.
26:41Croak, croak.
26:43That's childish, that is.
26:45Pardon?
26:45No, I mean, great, Eric. Great.
26:49Croak, croak.
26:50Croak, croak.
26:52Croak.
26:53Dennis, Dennis, what are you doing?
26:55I'm showing me frog to Maureen.
27:01All right, yes.
27:03Croak, croak.
27:06Now, look, I know you're all vitally interested in Shakespeare in modern dress,
27:09but we will not be doing Romeo and Juliet in PT kit.
27:12Now, what's the meaning of it?
27:13It's a PT period, isn't it? It's on a new timetable.
27:16What new timetable?
27:18Don't tell me the one Miss Collins has got.
27:20I'm sure she'll give you one if you ask her nicely, sir.
27:23I'm bigger than you are, Craven, so watch it.
27:26All right.
27:27If it's PT, get down to the gym.
27:29Anne told us to stay here, sir.
27:31Pardon?
27:33Who?
27:34Anne.
27:35Miss Collins.
27:36Your girlfriend.
27:37Yes.
27:38Well, not anymore.
27:39All right, all right.
27:41I don't care what she said.
27:42Get down to the gym.
27:43Oh, come on.
27:47Come on, Maureen.
27:52Come along.
28:00Bloody students.
28:02Bloody women.
28:03Bernard, why don't you send my kids down to the gym?
28:06Your kids?
28:08My kids?
28:10Oh, so you've adopted them.
28:13Now, look, my girl.
28:14I'm not above tanning your backside.
28:19Just you try.
28:21Right.
28:22Good.
28:23Go.
28:24Bad dog.
28:25Bad dog.
28:26Go on.
28:26Out.
28:27Out.
28:28No, no, I mean, I mean, come back in here.
28:30Make your mind up.
28:32All right.
28:33Sit down.
28:33Come on, quickly.
28:41Right, Miss Collins.
28:42Now, I sent our children down to the gymnasium because, in my old-fashioned way, I assumed
28:49that that is where they would be doing gym.
28:52Yes, but thanks to this new timetable, there are three classes there already, Mr. Hedges.
28:58Right.
28:59Yes, good.
29:01Well, this is what we'll do.
29:03Why don't I take the boys for football and you take the girls for netball?
29:07Well, since you're the only one not changed, why don't I take them all for netball?
29:12You're joking.
29:15Boys like Duffy are playing netball.
29:17You don't understand these kids at all, do you?
29:21Well, let me ask them.
29:22Yeah, go on.
29:23Yes, make a fool of yourself.
29:25Come on, girls.
29:27And any of the boys who would like to play mixed netball with us, follow me.
29:30I'll stay if you like, sir.
29:40No, you, um, you go on, Maureen.
29:43Oh, hello, Doreen.
29:47Maureen.
29:49Hedges, are you free?
29:50I'm superfluous.
29:52I wonder if you could take, um, take, uh, uh, uh, 3B for me.
29:57Yes.
29:58What for?
29:59Needlework?
30:00No, no, no, no, no.
30:02Cookery.
30:02I am not going in that water, and that's flat.
30:17I'll just chuck them in and hold them under with a long pawl.
30:21I am learning to swim.
30:27What are you doing, the rumba?
30:30I felt stupid in front of those 12-year-olds.
30:33Oh, why is that, boy?
30:33Why is that?
30:35Well, I've got my whisk all taffled up in my pinny.
30:40Oh, Philip Harbin would love you.
30:43Yeah, well, look, it could have happened to anybody.
30:46I was doing all right as well.
30:48I got it in the bowl all right.
30:50And then I switched it on, and the damn thing went berserk.
30:54Jumped out and attacked my pinny.
30:58Well, perhaps somebody hotted up your engine.
31:01Now, look, Bach, instead of standing there like a bloody windmill...
31:04Well, it might help if you removed your pinny.
31:07Yes, I suppose so.
31:08But you have it on in the first place has me very curious.
31:12Look, if Cromwell does the timetable,
31:14there's nothing curious about an English master taking third-form cookery.
31:18It looks as if we're both the victims of our headmaster's mental aberrations, doesn't it?
31:27Well, what's he got you on, then, yoga?
31:30You're swimming, and if I drown, I'm suing him.
31:32I thought it'd be easy.
31:36You know, I thought I'd have a...
31:37I'd teach him how to boil an egg or something.
31:39All this wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for Little Miss Know-it-All.
31:42Well, you're blaming her for everything all of a sudden?
31:44Well, look, I've done a lot of work with 5C this term,
31:46and along she comes, and bang, you can't move for halos.
31:49Ah, use your brains, boy.
31:51It's just a novelty.
31:53All the boys fancy her, right?
31:55Yes, well, I'd be surprised if they didn't.
31:57And the girls like her because she's young and a bit of a dolly.
31:59All except Maureen, yeah.
32:01Well, that's it, then.
32:02By the time she'd been here a couple of weeks,
32:04they'd be driving her mad like they do everybody else.
32:07Yeah, maybe.
32:08Well, I'm going anyway.
32:09Oh.
32:10Butter your seed cake.
32:12I am going to organise my class.
32:14I will not do the cookery.
32:16She can do it.
32:16It's not manly.
32:18Well, what are you swapping it for, then?
32:20Netball.
32:22Oh, netball.
32:23Get a round of two or three.
32:24There's manly.
32:33More money out of the red bear's pocket.
32:35I don't know.
32:36Still, if they will smudge my demarcation light.
32:39Watch it.
32:40Now, watch it.
32:41Watch it.
32:42Watch it.
32:45Ah, yes.
32:46Oh, you, Kevin, isn't it yet?
32:47I've all won another basket.
32:49You, my, now.
32:50Oh, Miss Collins.
32:53I'm so sorry about that.
32:54Well, accidents will happen, you know.
32:56Yes.
32:57Well, there you are, sonny Jim.
32:59There's your body back.
33:00Thank you, Uncle Norman.
33:02Thanks, Mr. Potter.
33:03Oh, Miss Collins, before you go, I've looked out a couple of photos of my Middle East area.
33:09I wonder if you could have a look at them.
33:10I want to take a jiffy, you know what?
33:11Well, yes.
33:12All right.
33:12Just a moment.
33:13You'd like to, would you?
33:13Good.
33:13I'm glad I'm glad.
33:14Go on down to the netball court and pick up sides.
33:17I'll be with you in a moment.
33:18Ah.
33:19Oh, there you are, Miss Collins.
33:20Now, here we are.
33:21See, here we are.
33:21Now, this, this is my favourite.
33:23Now, you see, that's me there with General Fee Marshal Montgomery.
33:27Yeah.
33:27Or Monty, as I call him, you know.
33:29Oh, really?
33:30Yes, there we are, see?
33:31Look.
33:33I can see Monty, but which one is you?
33:36Well, I'm there, next to Banger King.
33:39Oh, yes.
33:41I didn't recognise you in the suntan.
33:44Oh, it does funny thing, isn't it, in the suntan, yeah?
33:45Now, yeah, this is rather nice.
33:47You'll like this, because this is with old Archie Wave.
33:48Well, you have a Archie Wave.
33:49Miss Collins, if I might drag you away from Cecil Beaton and his collection for a second.
33:54What have I done now?
33:55Well, look, Cromwell has stacked me with a cookery class.
33:57So, why'd I take the kids for netball?
33:59At least nobody gets poisoned that way.
34:01As you wish.
34:02You're in charge, as you will keep pointing out.
34:04Now, look.
34:05What are you doing here, anyway?
34:07You're supposed to be in charge of that class.
34:09Now, you're responsible if...
34:10Oh, look out!
34:12All right, all right, Maureen.
34:13What is it?
34:14It's Frankie Abbott, too.
34:15He's fallen over.
34:16I think his arm's broke.
34:17Oh, no, Carlos.
34:18Don't flap for a start.
34:20Oh, come on.
34:21All right, Abbott.
34:23Let me have a look at it.
34:24I haven't touched you yet.
34:26I just want to see.
34:26You did go down with a bang, Chief.
34:28All right, go on, get an ambulance, quickly.
34:30Go on, go on.
34:31Do you know anything about first aid, Potter?
34:33First aid?
34:33Good Lord, I was in the desert, wasn't I?
34:35Oh, Eric, Eric, I can feel the bones grating together.
34:39Oh, no.
34:43Shannon, go and get Mrs. Potter, will you?
34:52Anne.
34:53Anne, what are you doing?
34:54I'm going to see the head, Bernard.
34:56I've got to tell him it was all my fault.
34:57Look, you weren't to know.
34:58Look, Bernard, it's basic rule, isn't it?
35:01Always supervise kids doing PT.
35:03Now, if Abbott's arm is broken and the parents make a case of it,
35:06I'm the one to take the blame.
35:07Now, look, they'll crucify you as a student.
35:09I'll take the blame.
35:10Look.
35:10I should have been in charge.
35:11What will they do to you?
35:13I don't know, but it won't take long to find out.
35:15Anyway, you're not going in there, and that's flat.
35:16What shall I do?
35:18Well, Goldseed Potter's come out of his coma yet.
35:20Go on.
35:25Come.
35:29Sir?
35:30I'm pacing, Hedges.
35:37There may be repercussions.
35:38Bang, bang.
35:39Well, if there are, sir, I'm the one to take the blame.
35:43Oh, no, no, no, no.
35:43I'm not looking for a scapegoat.
35:45No, no, no.
35:45Oh, your fault, was it?
35:47Hedges' fault.
35:49Yes, sir.
35:49What do you think it'll be, sir?
35:51A sack or a posting to the Outer Hebrides?
35:53Neither.
35:54I shall take full responsibility.
35:55No, no, no, I am not looking for a scapegoat.
35:58Doris' fault.
36:00Yes.
36:00If I hadn't behaved like a silly girl,
36:03the timetable would never have created the situation in the first place.
36:06Now, look, Doris, you've got a lot more to lose than I have.
36:09Here you come.
36:11Ah, Potter.
36:14Sir, I've come to tell you, sir,
36:16that I have besmirched my GLC bags.
36:20Well, this is hardly the time to ask for another one, Potter.
36:23No, what I mean is that the lack of supervision at the time
36:25of the accident was my fault, you see.
36:27I kept Miss Colley's talking, sir.
36:30Potter, you're human.
36:31At the risk of sounding like a gramophone record,
36:34I must repeat, I am not looking for a scapegoat.
36:37Potter's fault.
36:39Now, look, sir, I'm the scapegoat you're not looking for.
36:40Look, sir, I have photographic evidence.
36:42I can prove, sir.
36:43I must assist.
36:43It was my fault.
36:44Listen, sir.
36:44No, no, no.
36:46Fian Street School.
36:48Oh, yes.
36:50Yes.
36:52Thank goodness.
36:54Thank you for ringing.
36:55Goodbye.
36:56Hospital.
36:57No repercussions, I think.
36:59The stupid boy has only got cuts and abrasions.
37:02And a great future as an actor.
37:04Now, I want you all to know that had there been any trouble,
37:06I would have taken it all on my shoulders.
37:09Of course you would, headmaster.
37:11Do you think I don't know that, sir?
37:13No.
37:15Er, er, er, Hedges?
37:17I didn't speak, sir.
37:19Oh.
37:20Well, I must go and find Miss Collins.
37:22She'll be very relieved to hear that nothing's going to happen.
37:24I'll go, Michelle.
37:25No, leave it to me, Michelle.
37:26I mean, after all, it's just my job.
37:27It's my bird.
37:29Erm, student.
37:38Oh, look, someone's bound to find us, eh, Eric?
37:40It is.
37:41The whole school's in a shambles today.
37:43No one knows where we are.
37:44Keep the blinds down, the lights out.
37:46Probably have a kip down the rest of the afternoon.
37:48Well, if we are, I'm kippin' alone.
37:50Oh, yes.
37:51Oh, I wonder how poor Frankie is.
37:53Oh, forget it, Moor.
37:54He's probably got the nurses of mine, his tattoo, been there.
37:57Remember, whatever you do, do it quiet.
38:00Lights, then.
38:06Harsh.
38:07Not a word to marry.
38:09Ah, Bernard.
38:20Something awful's happened.
38:21I can see it in your face.
38:23No, not awful.
38:25Well, not...
38:26Not really awful.
38:27Oh, my brave Bundy.
38:32I never really wanted to be headmaster, anyway.
38:35What have they done to you?
38:36I think there's some silly report that'll go on my permanent record.
38:41You did it all for me.
38:43Well, for the right reasons, darling.
38:46How can I ever thank you?
38:48Hmm, hmm, hmm.
38:51Oh, Bernard, we're in school.
38:53Yeah.
38:55There's no one in here.
38:57Is this what they call co-operation between members of the staff?
39:07Hmm.
39:09I say, that's appropriate.
39:10You've got your games kit on.
39:12Bernard!
39:13Now, listen.
39:17Hooray!
39:17Hooray!
39:17Hooray!
39:18Hooray!
39:18Hooray!
39:19Hooray!
39:19Hooray!
39:20Hooray!
39:20Hooray!
39:21Hooray!
39:21Hooray!
39:22Hooray!
39:23Hooray!
39:23Hooray!
39:24Hooray!
39:24Hooray!
39:24Hooray!
39:25Hooray!
39:25Hooray!
39:26Hooray!
39:27Hooray!
39:28Hooray!
39:29Hooray!
39:30Hooray!
39:31Hooray!
39:32Hooray!
39:33Hooray!
39:34Hooray!
39:35Hooray!
39:36Hooray!
39:37Hooray!
39:38Hooray!
39:39Hooray!
39:40Hooray!
39:41Hooray!
39:42Hooray!
39:43Hooray!
39:44Hooray!
39:45Hooray!
39:46Hooray!
39:47Hooray!
39:48Hooray!
39:49Hooray!
39:50Hooray!
39:51Hooray!
39:52Hooray!
39:53Hooray!
39:54Hooray!
39:55Hooray!
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