- 3 months ago
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00:00Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Josh Whittaker!
00:30Merry Christmas!
00:45I am, I'm a big Christmas fan, I'm a big Christmas fan, um, there's places you have to draw the line, have we got any of the, um, these grown-ups in the room that have the chocolate advent calendars?
01:00PATHETIC!
01:05I've got a friend, he's 34, he had the chocolate advent calendar last year, he said to me, oh, I finished it by December the 3rd, I got overexcited.
01:13You're 34, you can afford a Twix!
01:16Have yourself a lion bar, you're earning!
01:19But now you get these grown-up advent calendars, have you seen this?
01:23You've got the gin advent calendar!
01:26By December the 3rd you've lost your job!
01:28What a way to cover up a problem that is!
01:33No, I'm not an alcoholic!
01:35I've just got the gin advent calendar!
01:37I'm not a drug addict, I've just got the MDMA advent calendar!
01:42Celebrating the birth of Jesus by dancing from 7am!
01:47There's the pets advent calendar, have you seen this?
01:51Just to be clear, that is an advent calendar for your pet, it's not a different pet each day!
01:56By Christmas Eve your house looks like Dr Doolittles!
02:00No, my friend, they got an advent calendar for their dog!
02:04It's a dog, they couldn't give a shit!
02:06Dogs don't celebrate religious festivals!
02:09Do you want a boney? Oh no, sorry mate, it's Ramadan!
02:16My friend told me there's such a thing as the sex toys advent calendar!
02:21No, at that time in the morning, no thank you very much!
02:26What if you go away for a few days?
02:28You have to do one of those catch-up mornings!
02:32First day back at work, sorry I'm late, you wouldn't believe the morning I've just had!
02:36Let's just say it was festive!
02:40The worst advent calendar I ever got, I don't want to make this too bleak,
02:46but one year when I was a kid, my mum got me the, um,
02:49non-chocolate, just-picture advent calendar.
02:54Hello, is that child line?
02:57Yeah, pick up your ears Esther, you're not going to believe this one.
03:00No child wants that, no child's going to school, what did you get? Chocolate?
03:03Unlucky, I got a painting of a shepherd!
03:05Do you know what's never happened? No child's ever got to December the 3rd and opened all the pictures on their advent calendar.
03:12Oh, once you've seen one picture of a pregnant woman on a donkey, you can't stop yourself mate!
03:16The chocolate advent calendars for grown-ups.
03:22You get these people though, I had a meeting with my accountant the other day,
03:2550-year-old man in a suit, right?
03:27In the space of an hour, he had two hot chocolates.
03:3150-year-old man in a suit!
03:32Sorry, are you the child from Big?
03:36His assistant came in, she said, what do you want? He said, I'll have a hot chocolate.
03:39He said to me, do you want one as well? I said, no.
03:41No, because last time I checked, this was a business meeting.
03:45Not a fireworks display.
03:47Yeah, go on, I'll have a toffee apple as well, let's enjoy ourselves.
03:50It's very exciting Christmas, I like to get all the deliveries, very excited with the Christmas deliveries.
03:58Having stuff delivered has changed now, we're aware of this, I don't know when we made this deal.
04:02The deal has changed, it used to be, in exchange for a parcel, I signed my name,
04:07but now the rules have changed, haven't they?
04:09Now, the rule is, in exchange for them giving me a parcel, they get to take one photograph of my feet.
04:15Did you just pat my feet? I don't know what's going on here.
04:23They go, yeah, that's how we recognise you, I haven't got particularly recognisable feet.
04:27I'd say of the people on the last leg, I've got the least recognisable feet.
04:37Yeah, that's right, start by clapping the disability joke, I've found your level.
04:40I'm going to get a farmhouse door, that's what I'm going to get, that'll show them.
04:45Just answer the door, what are you going to do now?
04:51I don't know if any of you are foot fetishists, haven't got a problem, I'm not here to kink shame you.
04:55What I'll say, get a job for DPD mate.
04:58You go home with that little camera, there's 600 feet on there.
05:02You'll be red raw by morning.
05:03This isn't the first Christmas TV show I've done last year, I don't know if you are aware of this.
05:11I did the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special.
05:15I don't know if you saw it, I got a 10 from Anton Dubeck.
05:19Is he the toughest judge? Yes he is, don't look it up.
05:22I had the lowest moment of my career on the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special,
05:26which was basically, we all had to meet up to do the dance, to learn this group dance, right?
05:33And we all got there, right?
05:35And all the dancers, and we started learning the dance, and I was the worst of all the celebrities.
05:42And all the dancers to be fair, I was the worst.
05:45And I was like, this isn't how it was meant to play out.
05:47I thought I was, I thought I'd be middle, because I thought, I was like, there's always like a shit middle-aged bloke like Adrian Chiles.
05:55Where's he?
05:57And then I thought, oh, fuck.
06:00I'm Adrian Chiles.
06:03I'm the shit middle-aged bloke.
06:06But that's the age I've reached, like, I've reached the age where I went to the optician recently, right?
06:10This was a low moment, right?
06:12I did the eye test, she said, your glasses are fine.
06:14And then she said, I couldn't believe this, she said, just a little tip.
06:18Have you considered going for a bigger font on your phone?
06:26A bigger font? I said, no, I haven't, because I'm not 900 years old.
06:30She might as well have gone, here's a little tip.
06:33Have you considered dragging your belongings in a tartan trolley?
06:36LAUGHTER
06:39Because have you seen these old pricks with a big font on their phone reading a text message like that?
06:45One letter a line like it's the Oxo Tower?
06:48LAUGHTER
06:50The only thing you can see from space are my grandad's texts.
06:54That's the only thing you can see from space.
06:56LAUGHTER
06:57That's the oldest person thing you can do on a phone, apart from having your phone in a leather book-like case.
07:04LAUGHTER
07:06And then not knowing why, when you're taking a photo, you can't see because you've folded it around.
07:11APPLAUSE
07:13Disabled people and old people, you've got a real taste for who you hate, haven't you?
07:22LAUGHTER
07:24Have you considered going for a bigger font on your phone?
07:27She might as well have said, here's a little tip, have you considered putting a handkerchief up your sleeve?
07:32And getting it out every half an hour and blowing your nose louder than anyone's ever blown their nose?
07:38And then putting it back up your sleeve?
07:40And then once a day, getting it out and rubbing a child's face with it.
07:45LAUGHTER
07:47That's what old people do!
07:49What, we're blaming the bat for Covid, really?
07:56Also, it's a lazy optician, isn't it?
07:59Yeah, that's your glasses, fine, yeah, no, no, yeah, just go bigger font on your phone.
08:03That's your job!
08:05She might as well have gone, hey, can't you just stand near her to things?
08:08Come on, mate, meet me halfway.
08:11The other one she offered me, I was, I was livid.
08:14It was a sunny day, I turned up in sunglasses, she said, are they prescription?
08:18I said, yes, she said, it is a tip.
08:20Have you considered getting these glasses, right, that respond to the light?
08:25And I said, no.
08:27No, because if you aren't aware of these glasses, they are brilliant, right?
08:30The way they work is, when it's a winter's day, they look like normal glasses.
08:35And then when it's bright sunlight, you look like a paedophile.
08:38That's how it works, oh, they change, just one little bit, just enough so that no one stands near you on the bus, that's it.
08:49Do not wear a long coat on a sunny day, that's how it works.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:56You watch a lot of cosy TV at Christmas.
08:59I did a show called Who Do You Think You Are?
09:01If you aren't aware of this show, you basically research your family tree, right?
09:05And it's very exciting cos you don't know where you're going to go.
09:08And I phoned my agent beforehand, I was like, where am I going to go?
09:10She said, I can't tell you, I can't tell you.
09:12She said, but if...
09:14Just a quick question.
09:15If, hypothetically, you were filming in Luton, would you want to stay over?
09:20And I've stayed in some bad places.
09:21I stayed in a motorway services hotel recently.
09:23I don't know if you've stayed in one of these places.
09:26My main issue with it is the people that work there, they don't seem to be aware of where they work.
09:31I turned up at 11pm at this motorway service station hotel
09:34at Fleet Services, right?
09:36I turned up and I said, I've got a room booked under Josh Whittacombe
09:39and he said, how many nights is it for?
09:44What, on motorway services? How many do you think?
09:46Do you think I'll get everything done in a week?
09:48I was planning on staying for five nights.
09:51There's just so much to enjoy here.
09:54Cos tomorrow morning I was planning on buying a mobile phone case next to a toilet.
09:58That's how I'm going to start my day.
10:01Then I'm going to use two fruit machines behind a velvet rope
10:03that you're calling a casino.
10:06And then I'm going to get in Thomas the Tank Engine's van and do that for an hour.
10:14I say in this place they had a...
10:16It was a downstairs hotel room.
10:18Have you ever stayed in a downstairs hotel room next to a car park?
10:21Do not do what I do.
10:22Get out of the shower.
10:23Open the kerns.
10:24You are basically dogging.
10:29They had an iron in there.
10:30An iron.
10:31I've never seen this before.
10:32It had no features.
10:34It's just a piece of iron with a handle.
10:35I was like, where have I seen this?
10:36The answer?
10:37Monopoly.
10:38I don't want loads of features on an iron.
10:42I just want a dial that whatever I'm ironing, I'm turning up full blast.
10:47If it's delicate, I'm just moving the iron faster.
10:49Let's be honest with you.
10:51And I want a button that fires out steam and occasionally, for no reason, cocaine.
10:55That's always a weird moment, isn't it?
10:59Whoa, have I got Pete Docher's iron?
11:01What's going on here?
11:04But they don't know where they were at this guy.
11:06The second question, he said, how many nights are you staying for?
11:08And I said, one.
11:10And he said then, he said, and I'm going to need your number plate if you've driven.
11:14If you've driven?
11:16Of fleet services?
11:19No, I got the train to Reading and then walked down the central reservation.
11:22Thank you very much.
11:24I've just read such good reviews of the place.
11:34I've walked past 25 hotels to get here.
11:39I did Who Do You Think You Are?
11:40Watch it this Christmas.
11:41It's a great episode.
11:42They said it was a good episode.
11:43I stand by it.
11:44It is the closest they've ever had to...
11:46This was the words of the producer off-camera.
11:48It is the closest run we've ever had to a proper royal since Alexander Armstrong.
11:55But in his words, he doesn't count because he's already posh as fuck.
11:59I, it turned out, am the 15 times great-grandson of Henry VIII.
12:10Yeah, Henry VIII.
12:12You're impressed now, aren't you?
12:14And I tell you what, since that news has come out, my wife supped her again.
12:17LAUGHTER
12:22But I said to her, it's not you that needs to be worried.
12:23It's my second, fourth and fifth wives that need to be shitting themselves.
12:26LAUGHTER
12:35But this is what they said to me.
12:36They said, you're related to Henry VIII.
12:38I was like, wow.
12:39The next question baffled me.
12:41They said, you're related to Henry VIII?
12:43I said, wow.
12:44And then they said, did you ever suspect?
12:49Well, there was that time I ate a whole grouse.
12:51Yes!
12:52And there was that weekend I started my own branch of Christianity.
12:56That was a weird one.
12:57Do you know what?
12:58Whenever I went to Burger King and put on that cardboard crown,
13:01I did feel like me.
13:06And then they said, and then they said, here's a little fact.
13:10If the right 374 people died, and I thought, this is a bleak fact.
13:15They said, if the right 374 people died, you would be king.
13:19And I said, no, if the right 374 people died,
13:22I would be the prime suspect in a murder inquiry.
13:34I'm proud of it, Henry VIII.
13:35And then it turns out, people like, don't like Henry VIII.
13:38People think he's a shit.
13:40And I'm like, you can't do that.
13:41He's family, mate.
13:42I can slag him off.
13:43You can't slag off my family.
13:44He's the best Henry.
13:46Apart from Henry the Hoover, I'll give you that.
13:48What a reveal that would have been.
13:51Here's your grandad.
13:52Do you recognise this noise?
13:58But Christmas is about kids.
14:00I've got young kids.
14:01I've got seven and four.
14:02That's what Christmas is about.
14:03And being a kid has changed since I was a kid.
14:06The terminology has changed.
14:07When I was a kid, it was called going to play at a friend's house,
14:10going round a mate's house.
14:11Now they've changed it to play dates.
14:14Do you want a play date?
14:16I'm going to say it.
14:17It's too sexual as a terminology for my taste.
14:20The first time I heard that, one of the mums came up to me outside nursery.
14:23She said, are you Josh?
14:24I said, yeah.
14:25She said, do you fancy a play date on Saturday?
14:27I was like, here we bloody go.
14:29The big man's back in town.
14:32Henry VIII's jeans run strong in this one.
14:36Yeah, why not?
14:38Yeah.
14:39She was like, I was thinking 10am.
14:40I was thinking, a bit early for my tastes.
14:42Well, you've got to get through that sex toys advent calendar somehow,
14:45haven't you?
14:46She said, if it's a nice day, we could go out in the garden.
14:49Absolutely not.
14:54I still...
14:55You go to kids' parties.
14:56The kids at kids' parties are obsessed with party bags.
14:59It was my daughter's birthday, right?
15:01They're still the same party bags.
15:03Still the same.
15:04Kid came up to me and said, ten minutes in,
15:06when do the party bags come out?
15:08Like he was going, have you got any coke?
15:11Just fire up the iron, you'll find some, right?
15:14He said, when do the party bags come out?
15:16And I said, you can have a party bag when you leave.
15:18And he said, could I go now?
15:23Still the same, the party bag.
15:24Still all the same stuff in it.
15:26The polystyrene plane that goes nowhere.
15:28The chop of chups that you need a blowtorch to unwrap.
15:31A slice of cake that has been completely fucked by the napkin wrapped around it.
15:36Oh, you enjoyed the icing, did you?
15:38Well, you're not getting any more of that, mate.
15:40Just enjoy the shit sponge inside.
15:42There you go.
15:43Temporary tattoos that last longer than actual tattoos.
15:47My daughter had a unicorn on her forehead for six weeks.
15:54Have you ever put them on yourself?
15:55My kids put them on me and then I'm stuck with it.
15:57And then I take my jacket off and people go,
15:59I didn't know you have a tattoo.
16:00You're taking the piss.
16:01Yeah, I just love stegosauruses, actually.
16:06Yeah, I'm a huge fan of diggers, so I got inked.
16:11They're boozy as well, these kids are probably, they're boozy.
16:13The adults, just to be clear, the adults, not the kids.
16:16Turned up at one, 11.30am and the mum answered the door,
16:19she said, I've already had half a bottle of Prosecco.
16:22Football focus hasn't even started.
16:25She said, well, how else are you going to look after 20 kids?
16:27You're like, that's not how it works, mate.
16:29I don't know if you've ever done pick-up from school.
16:31Very rarely does the teacher come out and go,
16:33I've had six pints at lunchtime, mate.
16:35How else am I going to look after them?
16:37They're all here, aren't they?
16:38Well, there's more than this morning, if anything.
16:40I've stopped drinking as well, so then there's no respect.
16:45I turned up at one of these parties and said,
16:47have you got anything non-alcoholic?
16:49And she said, well, I can try and find something.
16:53A six-year-old's birthday pie.
16:55And then she went off and got a Robinson's fruit shoot.
17:00Have you ever drunk a fruit shoot as an adult?
17:02It is gone in 0.7 of a second.
17:04She said, well, do you want another one?
17:06I was like, I'm not going to nail through all the kids' fruit shoots.
17:09Harsh kids running around me going,
17:11sorry, I had 16 fruit shoots.
17:15Because you get no respect.
17:17You get no respect when you stop drinking.
17:19I tried to start...
17:20I went to a meal with my wife and she said,
17:23I'm going to have a cocktail.
17:24I thought I'll have a non-alcoholic cocktail, right?
17:26I'll have a non-alcoholic cocktail.
17:28And I said to the waiter, where are the non-alcoholic cocktails?
17:30He said, well, here is our normal cocktails.
17:32And on this page, here's our virgin cocktails.
17:34What are you calling them, sorry?
17:36It's like virgin cocktails.
17:37As if you're not insecure enough.
17:40Here's your pathetic little virgin cocktails
17:42for people that don't have sex.
17:44Yeah.
17:45And here's your cocktails for proper shagas
17:47that can enjoy drinking.
17:49Your pathetic little...
17:50What have we got?
17:51We've got sex on the beach.
17:52That's what we've got.
17:53What have you got?
17:54Wanking at home alone.
17:55That's what your cocktail's called.
17:56You are a lovely audience.
18:05Are you ready for your first act?
18:07Well, let's bring them on.
18:12Please welcome to the stage, the incredible Andrew Mensah.
18:16Yes, Merry Christmas, Apollo.
18:34We well?
18:35It's great to be here.
18:37Don't worry, guys.
18:38I know, yeah.
18:39I look like a pint of Guinness.
18:40It's very, very bad, don't worry.
18:41I look like I've been left out in the Christmas snow for too long.
18:45I haven't really dressed very festive, you know.
18:49I kind of look like a bad guy in a Christmas movie.
18:52That's kind of a smart attire today.
18:54Home alone in Croydon.
18:55That's what I'm calling it.
18:56If you see me in a chimney, you're in trouble, boy.
19:00You guys be dreaming of a black Christmas.
19:03That's how we call it.
19:04But, no, Christmas time always reminds me of how mad life can be.
19:08Because, like, me and my brothers, when it was Christmas time,
19:10we always used to watch Little Britain.
19:11And then, like, a few years ago,
19:12I ended up doing a show with Matt Lucas, which is crazy.
19:14And it's weird doing a show with Matt,
19:16because he's, like, a legit childhood hero of mine.
19:18But he's very down-to-earth.
19:20He's very nice to me.
19:21And it makes me super uncomfortable how nice he is, right?
19:24So, we first got the show.
19:25We had to do, like, a few team bonding exercises.
19:27We went to the cinema to watch Barbie.
19:29I was buzzing to watch Barbie.
19:30So, I was like, cool, let me go watch this.
19:31Get to the cinema.
19:32I don't know this, yeah?
19:33But he had already paid for the cinema tickets.
19:36And he was like, Andrew, tonight is on me.
19:39Like, just get whatever you want.
19:41I'm like, Matt, listen, brother.
19:42We're not on a date here.
19:43Do you understand?
19:44Like...
19:45Like, don't try and puff daddy me.
19:47I know how this game goes.
19:54I'm like, Matt, are you crazy?
19:55Like, you're famous.
19:56You can't just be blowing money on me in public.
19:57I'm like, what if, like, the Daily Mail are following you?
19:59Do you know what I mean?
20:00Because, you know, the Daily Mail would do me dirty as well, innit?
20:04The headline would be,
20:05Matt Lucas, see romantically out with Kevin Hart.
20:08Do you know what I mean?
20:09So, I'm like...
20:14And before we went into the cinema,
20:16we were talking about different TV shows we loved growing up as a kid.
20:18So, he's like, actually, what's your favourite TV show?
20:20He's trying to get me to say Little Britain, innit?
20:23But I just told him in the street,
20:24I said, my favourite TV show of all time is actually Loose Women.
20:27That's the greatest show ever made.
20:30I watch Loose Women every day, innit?
20:32And he couldn't believe it.
20:33He's like, why are you into it so much?
20:34I said, it's because, like,
20:35I'm attracted to, like, older and bigger women, right?
20:37So, he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, chill out.
20:39I'm not looking too deep in the audience, don't worry.
20:45But he's like, oh, you're into big women?
20:46Where does that come from?
20:47I was like, basically, I grew up in a black church, innit?
20:49So, all the girls that sang in the choir, they were big,
20:51and they sang from the stomach up, very angelic.
20:53But the thing is, when they caught the Holy Ghost,
20:55start shaking, the titties just start bouncing.
20:57Do you know what I mean?
21:00Never left me, always stuck with me.
21:01He couldn't believe it.
21:02I was like, yeah, man, that's why you got all the stick
21:03for doing blackface on Little Britain.
21:05I wasn't even that mad,
21:06cos, like, the big black woman you were playing,
21:08like, that's my type, bro, I can't even lie.
21:12It's like, you're my first wank.
21:13I can't believe this, what I did.
21:23No, but my life has changed a lot since I got that show, man.
21:25Like, I'm officially middle-class now.
21:28Feels good, man.
21:30Feels good to be amongst my people.
21:32Feels good.
21:33I'm middle-class, man.
21:34Feels good, man.
21:35I play paddle every day.
21:36That's how my life is going, man.
21:38I was playing paddle last night with my friend Susan.
21:44It's like, weird, halfway through the game,
21:45I'm like, yeah, I've got friends called Susan now.
21:47This is great.
21:49But Susan's different.
21:50She was born middle-class,
21:51so her lingo is different.
21:53I'm trying to catch up to her lingo,
21:54cos when she's talking half the time,
21:56I'm trying to decode, like,
21:57what she's actually saying to me, right?
21:59So after paddle, she was like,
22:00Andrew, you know it's very important that
22:02you protect your energy.
22:06I was like, what?
22:07Like...
22:08I'm like, see, what's going on?
22:09You're trying to shag me now, right now?
22:10Like, this...
22:11Just show me the tease.
22:12I ain't got time for innuendos.
22:13Let's get to it.
22:18She was like, no, no, no, Andrew,
22:19you've got to protect your energy.
22:20And she started, like, burning, like,
22:21some wood thing, like, around me, innit?
22:25And I was so baffled, I was like,
22:26protect my energy.
22:27I've never even thought about that before,
22:28do you know what I mean?
22:29I grew up in South London.
22:30I was trying to protect my organs most of the time,
22:32shall I say?
22:34Like, that's a good life
22:35when your problems are all cerebral in that, innit?
22:37Like, she ain't got no practical issues
22:39like the rent or immigration,
22:41so she's got to, like,
22:42pick her problems from the atmosphere and that, you know?
22:54But I've got to embrace it, man.
22:55It's who I am now.
22:56Middle class.
22:57Everything about me is middle class now.
22:58It's weird.
22:59Even my beliefs.
23:00I used to have poor beliefs,
23:01now I've got middle class beliefs,
23:02you know what I mean?
23:03I used to believe in God,
23:04now I believe in mental health and that,
23:06you know what I mean?
23:11I'm proper into mental health.
23:12I'm not quite like Susan, though.
23:13Susan's like a mental health advocate.
23:14She's always, like, diagnosing me.
23:16Like, no, no qualifications,
23:18just matcha, just...
23:20Susan basically said to me,
23:21what's happening is that I'm suffering from anxiety.
23:24She goes, like, anxiety is a very serious issue.
23:26I've got to go to therapy.
23:27I've got to talk about it.
23:28Because anxiety can really eat you up, innit?
23:29And I agree with everything she's saying, innit?
23:30But I just don't want to be that guy that claims he has anxiety.
23:31Do you know what I mean?
23:32I just feel like right now,
23:33the market is a bit oversaturated.
23:35You know what I mean?
23:36It also feels like a very elitist mental health issue.
23:39Like, everyone I know that got anxiety
23:41is a mad privileged person.
23:42As I said, I'm from South London.
23:43No one on my ends got anxiety.
23:44And, like, they really should.
23:45Do you know what I mean?
23:46Like, they should.
23:47One of my boys has been stabbed seven times.
23:49He's still in my life.
23:50And I'm like,
23:51you know what I mean?
23:52You know what I mean?
23:53You know what I mean?
23:54You know what I mean?
23:55You know what I mean?
23:56You know what I mean?
23:57You know what I mean?
23:58You know what I mean?
23:59You know what I mean?
24:00You know what I mean?
24:01You know what I mean?
24:02I mean, I've been stabbed seven times.
24:03He's still not scared.
24:04Like, he just don't register in his brain.
24:05Takes the same alleyway home.
24:06He don't care, like.
24:07He even now works in IKEA,
24:09in the cutlery section.
24:11You get me?
24:14And he's not triggered.
24:15He's just good at his job.
24:16He's just like,
24:17yeah, get that knife in shot,
24:18trust me.
24:23I'm very liberal.
24:24I'm very,
24:25I'm very what they call woke.
24:26I'm a very woke guy.
24:27I'm very woke.
24:28But it's long though.
24:29Being woke,
24:30it's long.
24:32Honestly,
24:33because like,
24:34when I signed up for it,
24:35I didn't realise,
24:36for real,
24:37I didn't realise how many issues there were,
24:38innit?
24:39There's so many issues.
24:40And when you're woke,
24:41you've got to be on top of everything.
24:42So sometimes it feels like
24:43you can't enjoy your life.
24:44Do you know what I mean?
24:45Like,
24:46even before you snort a line,
24:47you've got to check if it's fair trade,
24:48and that's crazy.
24:49Like,
24:50it's crazy.
24:58A few months ago,
24:59I snorted my first ever line.
25:01Right?
25:02Obviously my white friends came over,
25:03so they encouraged me.
25:04You know what I mean?
25:05LAUGHTER
25:07So,
25:08I took it.
25:09It was great.
25:10I was buzzing.
25:11I'm like, this is great.
25:12I'm gonna,
25:13I'm gonna do this every day,
25:14like Christmas time.
25:15This is gonna be incredible.
25:16Do you know what I mean?
25:17When I took over,
25:18I was like, Andrew,
25:19think about it.
25:20Nah.
25:21That line was too pure.
25:22Do you know what I mean?
25:23Someone defo died making this.
25:24So,
25:25so I just felt mad guilty.
25:26I'd even end up going out.
25:27I was just coked up in my bedroom,
25:28just
25:29thinking of ways to make up for it.
25:31Do you know what I mean?
25:32I had to get some woke points back.
25:34So the next day,
25:35I watched the women's football innit?
25:36For balance.
25:37You know what I'm saying?
25:44No, I'm joking.
25:45Just the highlights, innit?
25:46Really?
25:47Come on, let's be so close.
25:51I'm really struggling being woke,
25:53because right now,
25:54I just feel like I'm in between
25:55two sets of people, right?
25:56So I've got like,
25:57my middle class friends
25:58who are super woke.
25:59I'm trying to catch up to their level.
26:01But then I've got my childhood friends.
26:03A lot of my childhood friends
26:04are like hood guys.
26:05They've been in prison,
26:06they've been in gangs.
26:07So when I'm around them,
26:08I feel really responsible
26:09to be their social issues
26:11representative innit?
26:12But obviously,
26:14they don't care about
26:15any of this woke stuff,
26:16because like their mind
26:17is on criminal activity,
26:18do you know what I mean?
26:19Like for real,
26:20it's hard to teach a man
26:21about pronouns
26:22when the car we're in is stolen.
26:23I mean,
26:24the lights is very hard.
26:27The other day,
26:28I'm trying to teach my boy
26:29about the dangers of transphobia innit?
26:30We're getting in the car,
26:31mid conversation,
26:32he starts hot-wiring the car.
26:33So I was baffled,
26:35I was like,
26:36bro, whose car is this?
26:37He was like,
26:38his, hers,
26:39days,
26:40I don't give a fuck, bro,
26:41let's get out of here.
26:46He was fuming,
26:47he was like,
26:48why are you talking about
26:49that political stuff
26:50when you know the man dem
26:51are chasing us?
26:52I'm like, bro,
26:53it's not man dem,
26:54it's day dem, bro,
26:55listen to what I'm saying.
26:58But then on the flip side,
26:59my middle class friends here,
27:00they're always putting me
27:01under pressure,
27:02especially Susan,
27:03she's always asking me
27:04very deep,
27:05philosophical,
27:06black questions
27:07that I'm just not
27:08qualified to answer.
27:09Do you know what I mean?
27:10I keep trying to tell her,
27:11listen, man's just black,
27:12I'm not Nelson Mandela,
27:13I don't know anything.
27:15Do you know what I mean?
27:16She's always asking me
27:17a very deep question.
27:18One time she's like,
27:19Andrew, I'm just doing
27:20some research
27:21as one of your allies
27:22and I just want to know,
27:23on a day-to-day,
27:24how do you
27:25overcome white privilege?
27:27Honestly, I think I gave her
27:32a good answer, yeah?
27:33So I basically said,
27:34Suze, listen to me,
27:35I don't believe in white privilege,
27:36so I've never lived my life
27:37thinking white people
27:38were superior to me,
27:39because I'm not sure
27:40about you guys,
27:41but I used to watch Jeremy
27:42Carl, right?
27:43And, um...
27:52As a young black kid,
27:53that show is very confusing,
27:54do you know what I mean?
27:55I remember being like,
27:56yo, I just got stopped by the police
27:57for no reason,
27:58but this white stuff
27:59looked kind of difficult too,
28:00innit?
28:01I remember even asking my mum,
28:02so like, mum, like what?
28:03Like, do white people
28:04grow teeth or not?
28:05Like, is that a thing for them?
28:09We need to donate two pounds a month,
28:10because they're struggling
28:11over there, boy.
28:13LAUGHTER
28:18I like to go and protest,
28:19that's my thing, innit?
28:20I'm a big protester, man.
28:22Yeah, man, yeah.
28:23It's basically,
28:24I go for long walks, innit?
28:25That's protesting.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:27In this country,
28:28someone gets bombed somewhere
28:29across the world,
28:30we're like, cool, let's do it,
28:3110,000 steps, let's go.
28:32LAUGHTER
28:34But I like going on protest.
28:35To be honest though,
28:36I don't really have a lot of respect
28:37for activism in the UK,
28:40because it's like,
28:41it's just too easy to be one here.
28:42Like, honestly,
28:43you get to a protest now,
28:44there's no resistance.
28:45Like, the police don't stop you,
28:46they give you bottles of water,
28:47they give you directions.
28:49LAUGHTER
28:51So what's happened,
28:52it's made us activists a bit weak,
28:53innit?
28:54Because we ain't got a real opponent
28:55that we're fighting against.
28:56So a lot of the times,
28:57when we protest,
28:58we just play it super safe,
28:59we just have like a street party
29:00with our friends,
29:01that's kind of like,
29:02the vibe,
29:03we don't test ourselves.
29:04So I remember a few years ago,
29:05the World Cup was in Qatar, right?
29:07So people went up in arms
29:08because there are gay rights issues
29:09over there in the Middle East.
29:10So then Susan texts me,
29:11she goes,
29:12Andrew, listen, like,
29:13we're doing this like,
29:14anti-Qatar World Cup gay rights march.
29:16Are you in?
29:17I'm like, yeah, I love the gays,
29:18where is it?
29:19She goes,
29:20Soho.
29:21I'm like, hold on.
29:22Ain't Soho like the gay capital?
29:24Like, why are they marching
29:25in their own ends?
29:26That don't make no sense, like...
29:27LAUGHTER
29:34Imagine me turning up in Lagos,
29:35like, yeah, man,
29:36we shall overcome.
29:37They'll be like,
29:38overcome who?
29:39It's just us here, bro.
29:40What are you talking about?
29:41It's just us and Stacey Dooley.
29:42There's no threat here.
29:43We're super safe.
29:44I've got to go.
29:45You guys have been great, man.
29:46But honestly,
29:47like, I just feel like
29:48the world's going a bit mad,
29:49innit?
29:50So we've got to help
29:51as many people as we can.
29:52Do you know what I mean?
29:53But I do feel like
29:54people are really selfish
29:55with their issue.
29:56They kind of want you
29:57to fight.
29:58You know what I mean?
29:59But I do feel like
30:00people are really selfish
30:01with their issue.
30:02They kind of want you
30:03to focus on the thing
30:05that's affecting them.
30:06So no matter how good you do,
30:08someone somewhere
30:09feels slighted
30:10because you're not focusing
30:11on them in that current moment.
30:12Right?
30:13So me and Suze,
30:14we went to this diabetes
30:15awareness rally.
30:16Yeah?
30:17She picks them, innit?
30:19So...
30:20So anyway,
30:21I'm at the rally with her.
30:22It was great.
30:23It was super educational
30:24about what type 1
30:25and type 2 diabetes.
30:26I'm super glad I went.
30:27But as I'm there,
30:28someone takes a picture of me
30:29at the rally
30:30and they put it on Instagram.
30:31Then some random person
30:32DMs me saying,
30:33listen, Andrew,
30:34I've seen that you're
30:35at a diabetes awareness rally,
30:36but how come I've never
30:37seen you at a cancer research one?
30:39He goes,
30:40not for real.
30:41He goes,
30:42I have cancer.
30:43Do people like me
30:44not matter to you?
30:45So this is what I said to this guy.
30:46I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
30:47I'm going to pray for you,
30:48but trust me when I tell you this,
30:49I'm not here
30:50on a Mother Teresa vibe, bro.
30:52I'm at the diabetes awareness rally
30:54because I'm attracted to big women.
30:56Do you understand?
31:14Are you ready for your next Christmas present?
31:17She's genuinely one of my favorite acts.
31:21She's absolutely brilliant.
31:23Please welcome to the wonderful Harriet Kemsley.
31:26Hello.
31:27Happy Christmas.
31:28How are we doing?
31:29Are we okay?
31:30Yes.
31:31It's very nice to meet you.
31:46It's very nice to be here.
31:48I've had a bit of a time the last couple of years.
31:50I had a big breakup.
31:51I think it's hard to be single at Christmas.
31:54I've been trying to do, like, nice things myself.
31:56I recently, I went and I got my first ever massage,
32:00with a happy ending.
32:03Yeah.
32:04Pretty exciting, yeah.
32:06And the masseuse said,
32:07it was the best hand job it ever had.
32:12Yeah.
32:13And the most surprising.
32:15We're doing okay.
32:16So we're doing okay.
32:17I've gone to this spa, you know, to try and feel good about myself.
32:20And I sat in the steam room on my own, and I was like,
32:22yeah, you know what?
32:23I feel good.
32:24I'm starting to feel body confident.
32:26I think I'm ready to get back out there and date again,
32:28just sat in this steam room on my own.
32:30And then the door of the steam room opened,
32:31and this woman peered in, and the steam cleared,
32:33and she looked at me and she went,
32:35Tony?
32:36And I was like, I'm not Tony.
32:38And then to be fair, I saw the guy afterwards, I guess it was Tony.
32:43Absolute spit.
32:44Me and Tony separated, but it was crazy.
32:48So yeah, it feels bad to be single again.
32:51Like, last time I was single, I was in my early 20s.
32:54Like, now I'm well into my 30s, you know?
32:57So I'm single for the first of my life with things like self-esteem.
33:00It's crazy.
33:01Like, I remember in my early 20s,
33:03a guy turned up for a date on a moped and I was like,
33:06Jesus Christ, it's a businessman.
33:09You know, my standards are so low.
33:12I've got a pizza off the back.
33:13I was like, this is great, you know?
33:15Because dating is different now, it's different.
33:17My friend was telling me it's different.
33:19Like, you've got to know your type.
33:21Like, my friend, she's got a Labrador boyfriend, you know?
33:24That means he's like...
33:25Like, he's really enthusiastic like a Labrador.
33:28And that makes sense,
33:30because I've actually previously only been dated rescues.
33:35Yeah, that's my type, yeah.
33:36I take them in, I give them a loving home,
33:38and then they have to be destroyed.
33:42Too bitey.
33:43So my friend was like,
33:45right, if you want to meet someone,
33:46now you're a bit older,
33:47what you need to do is you need to go out in person,
33:50on your own to a bar,
33:51get dressed up,
33:52sit down,
33:53and try and get eye contact with a guy.
33:55And so I went to this bar,
33:56and I sat down for what I will say was quite a while.
33:58And eventually I got eye contact with this guy,
34:00and he was quite cute.
34:02And I was like, oh my God, it's happening.
34:04We were like looking at each other,
34:05and I was like, oh my God.
34:06And then he started to come over,
34:07and I was like, it's happening.
34:08And then he went, oh, excuse me,
34:09is that seat taken?
34:10And I was like, no.
34:12And so we took it.
34:16So I was nervous to get back out there,
34:18and my friend was like,
34:19Harriet, a heads up,
34:20dating is different now.
34:21It's different out there.
34:22You don't know.
34:23A lot of you guys won't know this.
34:25You're happily in relationships.
34:26You won't know what it's like out there.
34:27My friend was like, Harriet,
34:28it's different.
34:29Men are just choking now.
34:30And I was like, what?
34:31And she was like, see ya.
34:32And I was like, oh my God, what do you mean?
34:35And she was like, it's a fun thing.
34:36You just have to go with it.
34:37So I was like, oh my God.
34:39It's the first time I went home with a guy.
34:40I was like, okay, you just got to go with it.
34:42Men are into choking.
34:43It's like a fun thing.
34:44You just got to go with it.
34:45And so I went home with this guy.
34:46It started to get hot and heavy.
34:48My friend was like, it's just a fun thing.
34:49You just got to go with it.
34:50You know, it started to get hot and heavy.
34:51And I was like, okay, you just got to go with it.
34:53Men are into choking.
34:54And so I swallowed a bit of Lego.
34:55And I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
35:04Is this sexy?
35:07The rumours are true.
35:09Yes.
35:10I think people aren't always aware of it.
35:12Like, men aren't always aware of, like, what's going on in our heads.
35:15Like, I was in a taxi in the summer,
35:17and they've been talking a lot about drinks biking.
35:20And we were listening to this really inappropriate radio show
35:22about drinks biking, just me and this oldie taxi driver.
35:25And he was like, oh, it's mad about all this drinks biking,
35:28isn't it?
35:29And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:30And he was like, it's crazy how they get away with it.
35:32And I was like, yeah, no, I know.
35:34And then he was like, oh, I forgot to ask.
35:36Would you like a bottle of water?
35:40I was like, no, absolutely not, no.
35:42I don't know.
35:43Do we have anyone here that's divorced?
35:45Give me a cheer.
35:47Yeah, we've got a few divorces in.
35:49Yeah, we've got a certain look, you know.
35:51We've seen some stuff.
35:52I'm trying to find, like, my divorce crowd, you know.
35:55I asked this one woman if she was divorced,
35:58and she said, yeah.
35:59And I was like, oh, cool.
36:00And she was like, well, not really, I'm widowed.
36:02And I was like, that's not the same thing.
36:04I was like, that's not the same thing at all.
36:06I was like, if anything, you've lost the best bit
36:08about getting divorced, you know,
36:09which is wishing their ex is dead.
36:11You lost that.
36:14I don't know about you guys.
36:16I got divorced quite recently.
36:18I got something called a no-fault divorce.
36:21It means you can do it quite quickly.
36:23It's called a no-fault divorce, but it is his.
36:26Yeah, it is his.
36:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:29There's nowhere to put that on the form, though,
36:31so I'm just having to perform at the Apollo at Christmas time,
36:34just to let everyone know that it is his.
36:37Yeah, it is his.
36:43What's been really fun about my divorce
36:45is that nobody has said, oh, but you are so good together.
36:48Not a single person has said that.
36:50That's fun, isn't it?
36:52Yeah.
36:53People can be rude about divorce.
36:54I've had people say to my face,
36:56I just think divorce is too easy.
36:58Like, I think it's too easy.
36:59Like, I disagree.
37:01I think marriage is too easy, you know.
37:03You can get married drunk in Vegas.
37:05Like, I think you should be able to get divorced in Vegas.
37:07You know what I mean?
37:08Like, you go to Vegas with your partner,
37:10you get wasted, you look at each other
37:12and you think, we could do better.
37:15You know, then Elvis divorces you, you know.
37:17I think that would be fun.
37:18I think it would be fun.
37:19And he'd get it, you know.
37:20He had a difficult marriage, had a lot going on,
37:22and did a deal with his wife's puberty.
37:26You Elvis fans in?
37:28OK.
37:29So, yeah, it's...
37:30I would love to get married again.
37:32I would.
37:33I would love to get married again.
37:34My ex, he proposed on Christmas Eve,
37:36and I just always thought that was so romantic.
37:39But a friend said to me,
37:41that's really unoriginal,
37:42like, everyone gets engaged at Christmas.
37:44And I was, like, so offended.
37:45I was like,
37:46when do you want me to get engaged so it's original?
37:48Remembrance Sunday.
37:50You know, so he gets down on one knee at 10.59.
37:54Does it quickly and then just stares at me
37:57for one long silent minute.
38:02The best thing that's come out of the relationship
38:04is my daughter.
38:05We have a wonderful daughter,
38:06and that's the best thing.
38:08It's hard doing this job with a child, though.
38:11We had to start using babysitters quite quickly.
38:13So, first time we had to use a babysitter,
38:15I was so worried.
38:16The babysitter was so sweet,
38:17but her English wasn't great.
38:19And I left and I was, like, crying,
38:21and then I was like,
38:22I know, I'll just message and check in
38:23and see how she's doing
38:24and that'll make me feel better.
38:25I'll just message and say, like,
38:26is she sleeping?
38:27And that'll make me feel better.
38:28And so I messaged and I said,
38:30is she sleeping?
38:31And she replied,
38:32and I think she meant to say yes,
38:33but her English wasn't great.
38:34So what she wrote was,
38:35her eyes shut, she don't move.
38:41And then she followed it up
38:42with the most terrifying message I've ever received.
38:44She angel now.
38:49A little angel emoji.
38:51I was like, oh, my God, what do you mean?
38:55I think having a child does change your perspective.
38:57Like, I remember my mum saying to me
38:59that I was her gracious achievement
39:01and I just thought, that is so sad.
39:03You know, particularly for my brother.
39:08But we had my daughter,
39:10I had my daughter around Christmas time
39:12and it was Christmas time around Covid
39:14so it was a weird time to have her
39:16and I was so worried she was going to get sick.
39:18Like, my little precious baby with her new immune system.
39:20And I took her back to Kemp for Christmas
39:22when she was only a few days old.
39:24And my mum, I think she was trying to be helpful.
39:27But what she said was,
39:28Harriet, don't worry about it, okay?
39:30The baby came out of your vagina
39:32so she will have picked up a lot of bacteria from there.
39:34And I think she meant it nicely if it felt pointed, you know?
39:46When I had my daughter and my waters didn't break
39:49so she came out in the amniotic sack
39:51but we didn't know that at the time
39:53so she looked like an alien squid.
39:55And so the midwife was with her father and I said,
39:59oh, what does she look like?
40:01And he went, uh, don't worry about it, we'll see.
40:05I said, what do you mean, we'll see?
40:07And he was like, let's just get it out and then we'll deal with it.
40:09I thought parenting would be more straightforward.
40:14Like, I thought it would be more linear.
40:16Like, we live in South London on the border of quite a fancy area
40:20and my daughter got invited recently
40:22to go to this, like, private gallery screening.
40:24It was, like, quite posh.
40:26And we went along and all the toddlers sat down
40:29and the lady said, as you can see,
40:31this lady is hanging out in a park.
40:34Where do you children like to hang out?
40:36And one of them put their hand up and said,
40:38Japan.
40:41Another one put their hand up and said the Nile.
40:43And I was like, oh, my God, where would my daughter say?
40:45Like, where did we last hang out?
40:47And before I could stop her, she put her hand up
40:49and she went, all by one!
40:55So, yeah, it's been weird.
40:57It's been weird to date again.
40:58It's hard to date again.
40:59I had this trip over to Australia planned earlier in the year
41:02and I was like, right, I'm going to try and I'm going to date.
41:05That's what I'm going to do, I'm going to date.
41:07So, I was at the airport before I went to Australia,
41:09just looking at all the condoms.
41:10And I was like, right, I'm going to get condoms.
41:12I'm a strong, independent lady, I'm going to buy condoms.
41:14But then they were all, like, the fun ones, you know.
41:16And I looked in the corner, there was the extra safe.
41:18And I was like, I'm a mother, I should really get extra safe.
41:21But then I bought them and I Googled it
41:23and they're no safer than any other condoms.
41:25It's all a lie.
41:26The only reason that they're safer is that no one wants to fuck you
41:29when you turn up with extra safe condoms.
41:32Because you look like such a nerd.
41:35When you turn up and you're like, I've got extra safe, everybody.
41:38Not everybody.
41:39Not everybody.
41:40It's, I don't know.
41:44It's, I don't know.
41:45I do, I kind of wish I could just be a tiny little bit more like Bonnie Blue.
41:50Just a tiny little bit more like, you know.
41:53Because I get too attached.
41:54I'd get too attached, you know.
41:56I'd fall in love with number one.
42:00You know what I mean?
42:01Number two would be inside me and I'd be like,
42:03did number one mention me on the way out?
42:07Do you think he's going to call?
42:10It's hard to stay body confident as well.
42:13Like, it's hard.
42:14There's so much pressure.
42:15Apparently, the average woman in America
42:17now spends $15,000 in her lifetime on makeup.
42:21Like, it's so much money.
42:22And like, what a waste on makeup, you know.
42:24Like, you could get two boob jobs for that.
42:28Yeah, they're nauseating your face, are they?
42:30No, no, no.
42:31They're looking at your six boobs.
42:36Four on the front, two on the back.
42:37Let's go.
42:38Pretty good time.
42:39You guys have been so nice.
42:46You never really know.
42:47I was standing outside my show the other night
42:49and there was a woman wearing a Harvard jumper.
42:51And I was like, oh, my God.
42:52I don't know if my crowd of people went to Harvard.
42:54And I was like, did you go to Harvard?
42:56And she was like, no.
42:57And I was like, oh, thank God.
42:58Because my crowd isn't people who went to Harvard,
43:00but it is people that spent $8.99 and dropped H&M
43:02that says Harvard.
43:03I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
43:04People.
43:05Thanks so much, everybody.
43:06I hope you have a wonderful rest of your evening.
43:07Happy Christmas, everybody.
43:13Goodbye.
43:14Eric Kemsley.
43:15Have a good night.
43:16Yes.
43:17Can we have a huge round of applause for Andrew Minter?
43:18Yes.
43:19Eric Kemsley.
43:20Yes.
43:21Eric Kemsley.
43:22I'm just waiting for you.
43:23Merry Christmas.
43:24Yes.
43:25Can we have a huge round of applause for Andrew Minter?
43:27Yes.
43:28Eric Kemsley.
43:29Yes.
43:30I'm just waiting for you.
43:31Merry Christmas.
43:32Yes.
43:33Yes.
43:34Yes.
43:35Yes.
43:36Yes.
43:37Yes.
43:38Yes.
43:39Yes.
43:40Yes.
43:41Yes.
43:42Yes.
43:43Yes.
43:44Yes.
43:45Yes.
43:46Yes.
43:47Yes.
43:48Yes.
43:49Yes.
43:50Yes.
43:51Yes.
43:52Yes.
43:53Yes.
43:54Yes.
43:55Yes.
43:56Yes.
43:57Yes.
43:58Yes.
43:59Yes.
44:00Yes.
44:01Yes.
44:02Yes.
44:03Yes.
44:04Yes.
44:05Yes.
44:06Yes.
44:07Yes.
44:08Yes.
44:09Yes.
44:10Yes.
44:11Yes.
44:12Yes.
44:13Yes.
44:14Yes.
44:15Yes.
44:16Yes.
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