- 3 months ago
(Brightened HD copy). Very British comedy-drama series about social life, with British humour, witty dialogue, starring David Jason, Michael Jayston, Gwen Taylor, Paul Chapman, Nicola Pagett, Sarah-Jane Holm, David Thewlis, Tim Wylton, Stephanie Cole, Nigel Hastings, Wayne Foskett. Written by David Nobbs
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh, no, I'd have loved a day at the races.
00:14Well, it's sods lord, I've got a bit of a do on.
00:17Or a wedding.
00:19Well, yeah, I have got to be there.
00:21It's pretty vital I'm there, actually.
00:27A bit of a do.
00:29A bit of a do.
00:35Smiling faces in public places.
00:39Getting to know the in-laws much better than expected.
00:42A bit of a do.
00:44Invited to a bit of a do.
00:50It's a small town, posh nosh affair.
00:54Best behavior, being aware.
00:57Making aware of others who are doing it too.
01:02Others who are seeing through you.
01:06A bit of a do.
01:09All tickety-poo.
01:11The bride's dimension attracts attention.
01:16A scruffy young groom who defies convention.
01:20A bit of a do.
01:22A bit of a do.
01:23A bit of a do.
01:24A bit of a do.
01:25Invited to a bit of a do.
01:27A bit of a do.
01:28A bit of a do.
01:29A bit of a do.
01:30A bit of a do.
01:31I said we'd be early.
01:53Let's not go in till we have to.
01:56These places make me nervous.
01:57I've never seen them before already.
01:58Me too.
02:01Well, you look lovely today.
02:03Oh, thanks.
02:06No, no, I say today.
02:07It makes it sound as though you don't look lovely every day, and you do.
02:12Thanks.
02:13I assume.
02:15You what?
02:16Well, I don't see you every day.
02:18It's just possible that on the days I don't see you, you look lovely,
02:21and on the days I don't see you, you look hideous.
02:24But it's extremely improbable.
02:28Statistically.
02:31You are an idiot.
02:34Come on.
02:35Shones me up when you say nice little things like that.
02:38If it wasn't for my making love to you, I wouldn't have split up with Jenny,
02:41and now I've split up with Jenny and I'm free to make love to you.
02:43I can't because you're marrying me ruddy brother.
02:45You don't want me.
02:47You still love Jenny.
02:49That's why you're so nervous, because she's going to be here.
02:53Rubbish.
02:56Sodding cars.
02:57Sodding inadequate municipal parking facilities.
03:00The great philosopher has spoken.
03:02Why can't I park a car?
03:04Because philosophers aren't practical men.
03:06I doubt that Jean-Paul Sartre could reverse into a parking space.
03:09Oh, Jean-Paul Sartre didn't have to work for cock-a-doodle chickens.
03:14I feel nervous.
03:16I shouldn't be here if it's family only.
03:18You're engaged to me, brother.
03:19You're just about scraping.
03:21I think there was shorter people to invite.
03:22Well, let's get inside.
03:24Bloody freezing.
03:41Ma, good God.
03:43Thank you very much.
03:45No, no, it's...
03:47Oh, you look amazing.
03:48You look lovely.
03:49Thank you very much.
03:50I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that you're surprised.
03:54Hello, Carol.
03:55Congratulations.
04:03Listen, boys, I've brought a friend.
04:06What sort of a friend?
04:07A male sort of a friend.
04:09What?
04:10Thank you very much.
04:12Where is he, this male sort of a friend?
04:14He's trying to park.
04:16Said it didn't matter if he was late, but I mustn't be, so he dropped me off.
04:18But I'm glad, because it's given me a chance to warn you.
04:22What do you mean, warn us?
04:23What's wrong with him?
04:24He's got one leg or something.
04:25There is nothing wrong with him.
04:27I'm delighted to say that he's complete in every respect.
04:30Oh, why warn us, then?
04:32Oh, so you won't go up in astonishment when you see him.
04:35Why on earth should we go up in astonishment?
04:37At the idea of your mother having a boyfriend.
04:41I think we're a bit more sophisticated than that, Mum.
04:43Yes, well, we mothers never really believe our children have grown up, do we?
04:47Who is he, Mrs Stimcock?
04:48Your boyfriend.
04:49Well, do you remember that actor they had at the charity horse racing evening?
04:53Harvey Wedgwood!
04:54You're gawping again!
04:55Shut up, Carol.
04:56Yes, well, he invited me to go and see his play in London and to go backstage.
05:01Well, it took a bit of courage, but I went, and it turned out to be the best move I've ever made in my life.
05:05Ma!
05:05Oh, dear, you do sound displeased with me.
05:09No, no, it's your life.
05:12It's a free country.
05:13You're old enough to know your own mind, but he's...
05:15He's a bit older.
05:18He's a lot older.
05:20I mean, we're delighted to see you getting your share of...
05:24...female emancipation, but...
05:27Well, Elvis is right.
05:28We'd both be a bit happier for your sake if it was somebody younger, that's all.
05:32Because we love you.
05:33We don't need him marrying somebody and then him dying and breaking your heart.
05:37Because we love you.
05:41Ah!
05:44This is Gerry Lansdowne.
05:46Gerry, this is Paul, my youngest, Elvis, my oldest, and Elvis' fiancée, Carol.
05:51Hello.
05:52I know this sounds corny, but I've heard so much about you boys.
05:55It's really nice to meet you at last.
05:57You all seem stunned.
06:00Well.
06:01I've just been telling them how I met you, Gerry.
06:02The lepter conclusions just had a tremendous ticking off because he thought I was throwing
06:07myself away on a geriatric.
06:09Ah.
06:10Er, no, I'm not quite geriatric yet.
06:14I'm a friend of Harvey's son.
06:16I met your mother in Harvey's dressing room.
06:20Hello, all.
06:21You look marvellous, Neville.
06:24Thank you, Rita.
06:26So do you.
06:27You're marvellous.
06:28No, you really do.
06:31I mean...
06:32Er, this is my friend, Gerry Lansdowne.
06:35Good to see you, Gerry.
06:37Yeah.
06:38May I introduce my nephew, Andrew?
06:40His wife can't be here as she's unwell.
06:42Rita's boys, Elvis and Paul, and Elvis is, er...
06:44Carol Fordingbridge.
06:46And Elvis is Carol Fordingbridge.
06:47Hello, Andrew.
06:48Good to see.
06:48Oh, here we are, eh?
06:50All on parade.
06:51Well done.
06:52Any sign of Simon?
06:53Not yet.
06:55More important, no sign of the blushing bride.
06:57She'd probably buy in bed socks.
07:01Because she's got cold feet.
07:04Joke.
07:07I think they must be running late.
07:10Well, the last lot aren't out yet.
07:12It's rather like waiting for your turn on a pleasure boat, isn't it?
07:14Oh, dear.
07:15Oh, dear.
07:17Oh, dear, oh, dear, Rita.
07:18Why the oh, dear?
07:19Oh, no, no.
07:20I just said oh, dear because you said oh, dear.
07:23Did I?
07:23Oh, dear.
07:24The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast.
07:27Pardon?
07:28Joke.
07:30Ah.
07:32I hope I don't quite feel condemned.
07:34But I do feel most dreadfully nervous.
07:36I think these registry places make it rather...
07:39And yet our first marriage was so large, so grand.
07:43Jane always says it made her feel that she and I were irrelevant.
07:48Oh, Lord, I really ought to stop talking about her as if she were still alive, wouldn't I?
07:57Oh, Lord.
07:58Oh, they're so young.
08:02There's so few people.
08:03It's awful.
08:05I mean, what does life hold for them?
08:07We'll never know.
08:09Well, I'd like to know.
08:12Oh, I hope you'll both be terribly happy.
08:17Rita is the most remarkable person.
08:19She is indeed.
08:20She is indeed, Tom.
08:21Jerry.
08:23It was wonderful.
08:25Very few people could have done that.
08:27Oh, don't be absurd, Joe.
08:29My children are very embarrassed at the idea of you being physical with me.
08:32Mom, we aren't.
08:33We're the emancipated generation.
08:35I'm not so emancipated that you're happy for me to be the emancipated generation as well.
08:43Do you have to keep making your jokes?
08:45It's a happy occasion.
08:47I thought a touch of humor would be appropriate.
08:48My point, precisely.
08:51I wasn't embarrassed, Carol.
08:52Oh, no.
08:53You both were.
08:54I wasn't.
08:56Not embarrassed.
08:57It just came to me how wrong it all seems.
08:58Everybody happy under the circumstances.
09:01Well, life has to go on.
09:04What insight your three-year study of philosophy has given you, Elvis?
09:08I know life has to go on, you dumbo, but it doesn't go on for him, does it?
09:12Was it three months?
09:14I mean, if it was natural causes, it'd be bad enough, but...
09:16Oh, suicide.
09:23You didn't tell me you were inviting Paul?
09:25Didn't I, dear?
09:26Well, of course I've invited him.
09:27His family, isn't he, still?
09:29You look stunning, my love.
09:30Oh, you don't look so bad yourself.
09:36Hello, Jenny.
09:37Hello.
09:41Rita, you came.
09:42You look wonderful.
09:45No, you really do.
09:46What's happened?
09:47I...
09:47Jenny, Liz, I'd like to meet my friend, Jerry Lansdown.
09:51Hello.
09:51Hello.
09:51Hello, Jerry.
09:56Hello.
09:57I know this sounds corny, but I've heard so much about you both.
10:00It's really nice to meet you at last.
10:04Well, we'd all better go in.
10:07Right.
10:11Oh, thank you.
10:12Still no sign of Simon?
10:15I'm afraid not.
10:17Oh, dear.
10:18Well, come along.
10:19Best foot forward.
10:20Right.
10:23Oh, dear.
10:24Oh, dear, oh, dear.
10:25Oh, dear, oh, dear.
10:26Why all the oh, dears?
10:27You having second thoughts?
10:28No, no, good heavens.
10:29No, no.
10:29I was saying, oh, dear, because you sighed and said, oh, dear.
10:32Did I?
10:33Oh, dear.
10:34Are you having second thoughts?
10:35No, no, good heavens.
10:37No, no.
10:38I suppose I meant, oh, dear, Simon hasn't come.
10:40And, oh, dear, the rest of my stuffy family are also boycotting the event.
10:44And, oh, dear, Jenny's still totally hostile to Paul.
10:46And, whatever we think of him, he is the father of our baby.
10:49And, oh, dear, I'm going to have to endure Andrew's jokes.
10:52And, oh, dear, what on earth does Rita think she's playing at?
10:56And, oh, dear, it is hardly Westminster Abbey, is it?
10:59Oh, dear, oh, dear.
11:00What a lot of oh, dears.
11:03Good morning.
11:09Do you have a table for two?
11:11Um, yes, sir.
11:13I think we can squeeze you in.
11:20Can I get you something to boire, to drink?
11:25Two vodka tonics, please.
11:26Make them large ones.
11:28Wife and I don't often see each other midday.
11:30Ah, very good thing.
11:31My husband supplies your chickens.
11:35Ah.
11:37Edouard?
11:37Edouard will bring you his menus.
11:43Good afternoon, sir.
11:45Good God.
11:47Ted, what are you doing here?
11:50Working here.
11:51It's a very nice place.
11:52Monsieur Albert's an excellent employer, and I'm thoroughly enjoying it.
11:56Good.
11:57Now, what can you recommend, Edouard?
12:02Everything is excellent.
12:04Our chef, Alphonse, started in the household of General de Gaulle, and later worked at Maxime's in Paris.
12:10All right, you couldn't wait to get your little hands on my foundry when it failed.
12:13Fair enough, that's like, but...
12:15But what?
12:15But.
12:16Don't you think you've done enough damage without rubbing it in?
12:20I mean, calling me Edouard.
12:23I mean, really.
12:24I was a bit naughty, Rodney.
12:26No, no, I'm very sorry, Ted.
12:27I couldn't resist it.
12:28I'm sorry.
12:29Oh.
12:30Well, we say no more about it.
12:32If I catch you calling me Edouard just once more, I'll kick your ruddy teeth right down your...
12:37Tête de veau, vinaigrette, à la mode de Lyon, is the speciality of the maison.
12:42And the agneau roti au flageolet avec les herbs de Provence has its devil...
12:47I'm warning you.
12:48I mean you just catch one glimpse of amusement in your eye, and that's it.
12:52All right?
12:53Anyway, I wouldn't waste too much time studying the menu.
12:56There's no point.
12:57It's all lousy.
12:59I bet the food is lousy.
13:08Well, it's quiet anyway, and we're together.
13:12I'm a lucky woman.
13:13Cheers, love.
13:14Cheers, love.
13:17Poulet de brest, sauce perigurienne, maize-fed French chickens.
13:23Those are my chickens.
13:25They're as French and as maize-fed as my backside.
13:29Sandra, come in.
13:33A couple of casual customers have arrived.
13:34I'm amazed they're doing all the dinners.
13:36Well, there's a wedding dinner on.
13:43Sandra.
13:44Sandra, it's other lunches, and it's a wedding breakfast.
13:48Do try to get it right, love.
13:49I mean, I told them you were an experienced waitress who'd worked in sophisticated places.
13:54Not an unemployed bakery assistant.
13:56I met down the DHSS.
13:57I mean, did I?
13:58So do try and get it together.
14:00Right, you have lunch at dinner time, dinner at tea time, and whatever time of the day it is, it's a wedding breakfast.
14:06Why do things have to be so complicated?
14:09So that the ignorant can be identified and class differences can signify.
14:13Isn't that bad?
14:14Of course it is.
14:15This is England.
14:16It's part of our heritage, isn't it?
14:17Do we know who this wedding party are?
14:19No.
14:20No.
14:21Monsieur Albert is being very cagey about it.
14:25Typical.
14:26Well, you've done half good on my wick.
14:28Sandra, it's a very posh restaurant, is it Chez Albert's?
14:32And you do not say about the owner and patron as someone who gets on your wick.
14:37All right.
14:38I can't stand him, then.
14:39That's better.
14:41Ted, are you glad you met me?
14:45Of course I am, love.
14:47Now, come on, come and get serving.
14:49There wouldn't be a wedding breakfast having dinner here this lunchtime if it wasn't known for our service.
14:54Hey!
14:55Get off!
14:55Oh, look, Rodney, there's Elvis and Carol.
15:04They said they were going to Neverland as his wedding.
15:09Rodney, the wedding's here.
15:13Bango's our quiet lunch.
15:15Oh, my God.
15:18Oh, my God.
15:20Poor Ted.
15:21Oh, my God.
15:25Bloody hell, Sandra, what do you think you're doing with me blitz?
15:31Sorry, Monsieur Albert.
15:33Oh, I don't need to feel the guilty about it.
15:35Oh, thanks, Monsieur Albert.
15:36Because I'm stopping it from your wages.
15:38Albert.
15:40Albert, who exactly is in this wedding party?
15:43They've demanded secrecy, Ted.
15:44My two sons are in there.
15:46I need to know.
15:47Your sons?
15:48Well, there's no harm in your new and new, I suppose.
15:50It's a Mr. Badger marrying a Mrs. Rodenhurst.
15:53Bloody hell.
15:54No wonder you didn't tell me.
15:57I didn't tell you because they asked for maximum security.
15:59Because there has been some adverse criticism of them.
16:02But not waiting longer after Mrs. Badger's first husband gassed himself in his own dental chair.
16:07Good God, what the hell has she got into?
16:21Oh.
16:21I can't go in there.
16:29What do you mean you can't go in there?
16:32I can't.
16:33Listen, Albert, it's going to have to be reasonable.
16:37Now, listen to me.
16:38Just listen.
16:38Look.
16:39I've had an affair with the bride.
16:42I've been left by the bride.
16:44The bride and groom are bringing up my baby as their own.
16:47Your baby?
16:48Yes.
16:49My wife is in there with some freak I can only assume is her lover.
16:54Wife?
16:56Sons?
16:56Baby?
16:58Oh, shit.
16:59My two sons are in there.
17:05Plus one son's fiancée and the other son's estranged wife.
17:09They don't know that I work here.
17:11Now, be reasonable.
17:13I can't go in there and ask them to taste the wine which I know they know so all about.
17:18And they know I know so all about.
17:20Now, can I?
17:20Come on.
17:20It's just not on, is it?
17:22You didn't tell me you had a wife.
17:24And sons.
17:25And a baby.
17:26No, I know, Sandra.
17:27I'm sorry.
17:27Slipped my mind.
17:28Slipped your mind?
17:29Yeah, because it's over.
17:30It's finished.
17:31It's unimportant.
17:31Well, you won't mind going back in there then, will you?
17:33If it's over, finished, unimportant.
17:39Oh, heck.
17:41Well, we have actually done it.
17:45Congratulations.
17:47I think we ought to congratulate you, too.
17:50You seem to have made quite a catch.
17:52I'll second that.
17:52Oh, Lord.
17:53Oh, Lord.
17:54Oh, Lord.
17:54Oh, Lord.
17:54Oh, Lord.
17:55Oh, Lord.
17:55Oh, Lord.
17:56I think they've seen us.
18:13Oh, we'll have to congratulate them.
18:15Well, we can't.
18:16It'll look as if we're angling to be invited.
18:18We can't not.
18:19It'll look as if we're upset because we weren't invited.
18:22Oh, Lord.
18:24Hello.
18:25Hello.
18:28Congratulations.
18:32They must be having lunch here.
18:33Surely not.
18:35What, are you waiting for a plane to Istanbul?
18:38Joke.
18:38We did decide, as we're a small party, it might be a bit more relaxing if there were other customers.
18:45Yes, but I never thought there'd be only two other customers.
18:47We'd know them both.
18:48And they'd be lifelong specialists in getting drunk in public.
18:55What's going on in there?
18:57Where is everybody?
18:58I heard this place was very good.
19:01Apparently, Monsieur Albert was the manager of Maxime's in Paris.
19:04And his chef is said to be the illegitimate son of Charles de Gaulle.
19:07I don't mention illegitimate children.
19:10Read as illegitimate.
19:12We found that out at Jenny's wedding.
19:14Uh, Uncle Neville, did you remember to organise my vegetarian meal?
19:17Oh, Lord, I forgot.
19:19Uncle Neville isn't Uncle Neville anymore, Jenny.
19:22He's your father now.
19:23Yes, well.
19:25Oh, Lord.
19:27Oh, please don't leave Carol.
19:29I'm sure she's whispering lovely things in your ear.
19:31Carol is engaged to Elvis.
19:35Do you expect me to feel sorry for you?
19:36Hmm.
19:38I'm lost without you, Jenny.
19:40I haven't even got the heart to read the Guardian's foreign news.
19:43I'm just...
19:43I'm just turning back into the slob I was before I met you.
19:48I repeat.
19:49Do you expect me to feel sorry for you?
19:51Monsieur, madame.
19:53Greetings and congratulations.
19:55I'm so sorry for your weight.
20:00A little stuff problem, you understand.
20:02All is not solved.
20:04Here is Edouard with your champagne.
20:11Oh.
20:12Good Lord.
20:13Good Lord.
20:15Ted.
20:16Dad.
20:23Would you like to taste the wine, sir?
20:26Yes, well, I'm sure it's...
20:28Right.
20:31Very good.
20:35Madam.
20:35Thank you, Ted.
20:38May I take this opportunity of wishing madam the lasting happiness that has so far eluded her?
20:45Thank you, Ted.
20:46Maybe you'd like to wish me better luck with my men?
20:49Well, well, this is a surprise.
20:56It certainly is, madam.
20:59This is Gerry Lansdowne.
21:00Gerry, this is my husband.
21:02Ah.
21:04Champagne.
21:05Sir.
21:09What do you mean?
21:11Ah.
21:11Nothing at all, just...
21:13Ah.
21:15Ah.
21:15Jenny?
21:20Oh, thanks, Ted.
21:21Though I don't feel much like it.
21:24Still worrying about why half the world is starving?
21:27No.
21:28Well, I mean, I am, obviously.
21:31No.
21:32I was just thinking how sad I'm about the way everything's turned out.
21:42Is this a permanent post, then, Dad?
21:44No, obviously, it is not.
21:46No, I mean, really.
21:47I mean, no, no.
21:48It's, um, Mr. Filliam, while I develop me portfolio.
21:52Your portfolio?
21:53Mm.
21:53Yes, for designs, for me toasting forks, et cetera.
21:56Personalised door knockers.
21:58Designer, coal scuttles.
22:00My portfolio.
22:01We can't not offer Rodney and Betty a drink.
22:05A waiter.
22:06Ted.
22:06Could we have two more glasses for the silly toes, please?
22:09Yeah, certainly, no, sir.
22:11If we offer them a drink, we'll have to ask them to eat with us.
22:14I mean, we can't just send them off back to their table.
22:18Oh, Lord.
22:19I think they're discussing whether to ask us to join them.
22:22They don't look round.
22:24Well, don't you stare at them.
22:26I can't never look in their direction.
22:28Look totally unnatural.
22:29Nothing for it.
22:35Liz and I would be very honoured if you'd join us for lunch.
22:39Oh, er...
22:40Well, this is a surprise.
22:43Yes, well, thank you.
22:45Well, madam, sir, as this is a very special occasion,
22:56would you both break the habits of a lifetime
22:58and indulge yourselves in a drink?
23:02Thank you, Edouard.
23:06Oh, well, I remember.
23:08Waiter, Edouard...
23:10Ted, I'm afraid I forgot to ask,
23:12but could we have one vegetarian meal?
23:14Uh, two.
23:16Three.
23:16Ah, you're a vegetarian, are you, sir?
23:21No, I am.
23:24Good God, Rita, you don't mean the...
23:27Sorry.
23:29Sorry, three vegetarian meals.
23:31I'll see what Alphonse can rustle up.
23:34I'm awfully sorry, Rita.
23:36We had no idea.
23:37Absolutely not.
23:38Oh, I believe you.
23:40I imagine his appearance must have been quite an embarrassing memory for you
23:43on your wedding day, Liz.
23:44What a very nice wallpaper this place has.
23:51Doesn't it?
23:52I noticed that.
23:55Oh, flippin' heck.
23:56You said I was all that mattered.
23:59You are.
23:59You are.
24:00Foo-bitch.
24:01I saw the way you looked at her bit of sports.
24:03You're jealous.
24:04I'm not, Sandra, love.
24:06I am not.
24:07It's just that...
24:08Well, Rita was a good wife.
24:11She was a good mother.
24:11She ran a good home.
24:13I don't like to see her letting herself be used by that young whippersnapper.
24:17I mean, put yourself in my position, would you?
24:20No, you wouldn't.
24:21Right, so...
24:22How do you know he's using her?
24:23Oh, come on, Sandra.
24:25She's more than ten years older than him.
24:28You're more than twenty years older than me, Bram.
24:30I'm not using you.
24:31No, no, that's different.
24:32That's different.
24:32Are you using me?
24:34Of course not, love.
24:38Sandra.
24:43You'll be paying me by the end of the week.
24:46Oh, but it wasn't her fault.
24:47Not this time.
24:47No, it wasn't.
24:48It were mine.
24:49I...
24:49I...
24:49I distracted her.
24:51You can't take it out of her wages.
24:53It wasn't her fault.
24:54Now, can you?
24:54Be fair.
24:55I could if I wanted to.
24:56You're all non-union.
24:58But I won't, of course.
25:00Thanks.
25:00I'll take it out of you as instead.
25:05I want to apologise, Liz.
25:06I didn't come here to make bitchy remarks.
25:07Why did you come?
25:08To show off your conquest?
25:09To let us see how far you've travelled?
25:11Oh, Lord, perhaps I did.
25:14I hoped I'd come as a gesture of...
25:17I don't know, goodwill, reconciliation.
25:19That's certainly why we invited you.
25:21I mean, let's face it.
25:22Our families are still linked by marriage.
25:23What do you mean, let's face it?
25:25Don't you want Paul and Jenny to get back together again?
25:28Of course I do.
25:29They've got a baby.
25:30Oh, so you won't want them to if they haven't got a baby?
25:33Oh, conversation's impossible if you examine every word under a microscope, Rita.
25:37I hope Paul and Jenny get together again.
25:39I hoped you and I could strike up some sort of friendship against all the odds.
25:43What do you mean, against all the odds?
25:45Oh, Rita, no microscopes.
25:47What I meant was, who would have thought you and I could ever be friends?
25:50Oh, nobody in the old days.
25:52Then things have changed.
25:54Perhaps you feel you're going to need all the friendship you can get.
25:57What, even friends who say that sort of thing?
25:59Oh, I'm sorry.
26:00I know.
26:01Didn't come here to make bitchy remarks.
26:06You don't really want to live on your own, do you?
26:08I mean, it must be hard work bringing up a baby on your own.
26:11Two babies.
26:12Well, exactly.
26:12All the more...
26:13Two babies.
26:18I'm pregnant.
26:21Jenny.
26:22It's ironical, isn't it?
26:25I must have conceived the night before the crowning of the Miss Frozen Chicken UK.
26:28The night before I discovered that when I was in the maternity hospital, you were having
26:31it off with the runner-up.
26:32Jenny, it doesn't help things to exaggerate.
26:34You weren't having it off?
26:34She wasn't runner-up.
26:35She came third.
26:41Simon.
26:43You came.
26:45Hello, Jenny.
26:46Jenny.
26:48Simon.
26:52I decided to come.
26:55I've, um...
26:57I've compromised.
26:59I wanted to show I disapproved.
27:02But I also wanted to show I still love you.
27:08So, I decided to come to one and not the other.
27:13And you don't get a champagne lunch at the registry office?
27:16Oh, Simon.
27:27Did you like a drink, was it?
27:29It's funny how it took Teddy and Rita to make us realise we take it in turns to get drunk
27:34when we go to do's.
27:35Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, absolutely.
27:38You realise why we take it in turns, don't you?
27:41So that there's somebody sober to drive home.
27:44I think there's more to it than that.
27:46I think one of us stays sober instinctively to protect the ones they love from making fools
27:51of themselves or herself, which they may very well do with drunk and have, because we love each other so much.
28:00We do, don't we?
28:02Over 30 years together and we still love each other.
28:07But the driving is important too.
28:09I mean, take the day I can not get drunk, because I'm not.
28:14But have a bit too much knowing you're driving.
28:17I thought you were driving.
28:23What?
28:25Oh, dear.
28:26I think the system's broken down.
28:29Well, because, because I thought you were driving, I've had, well, not too much, too much, but a bit too much.
28:36I mean, I wouldn't describe myself as drunk exactly more.
28:42Totally plastered.
28:43Yes!
29:02You remember you were talking about all the opportunities I must get, showing beautiful women round houses,
29:09of making mad, passionate love to them,
29:11and I said that sort of thing isn't done at Trellis, Trellis Oden, Sean and Finch.
29:16Yes.
29:17Well, it's not so much not done as used to be not done.
29:23Congratulations, Simon.
29:25Tell me more, I can tell you're dying to.
29:26Not at all.
29:27I always think that men who boast of their sexual exploits are rather pathetic.
29:31That's true.
29:32She's a married woman.
29:34Very attractive.
29:35She said her husband was a bit of a drip, and her life was dreadfully dull.
29:41Even I could see she was making advances to me.
29:44So you ripped up your specifications, said, darling, forget the handsome proportions,
29:48the charming Southerly aspect and the six PowerPoints,
29:50and flung her on the spacious, convenient bed there and then, eh?
29:53Good Lord, no.
29:54That would have been professionally unethical.
29:56Or someone else's house.
29:58No, I took her to my flat.
30:00Who is this mystery woman?
30:02Elvis?
30:03She's a married woman.
30:05Credit me with a little discretion, Simon.
30:09Elvis.
30:10Oh, God.
30:11I think you're about to say something nice.
30:15Elvis, I'm glad I got to know you.
30:17Well, thanks, Simon.
30:18I've met worse twits myself.
30:20Not many, but...
30:21You've changed me, you see.
30:23I mean, if it wasn't for you, I'd never have had the courage to get anywhere with Judy.
30:28Judy!
30:28Oh, Lord, I'm no good at this sort of thing.
30:31Marry me, Rita.
30:35You're just saying that because you've had a few drinks and you're infected with a romantic mood?
30:39The drink might have helped me pluck up my courage, but I decided to ask you days ago.
30:44But I'm married.
30:45Yet divorced.
30:47I'm more than ten years older than you.
30:49It's hardly what I'd expected, but you can't plan love.
30:53I've got two grown-up sons.
30:55Peter, don't you want to marry me?
31:00No, Jerry.
31:01Quite honestly, I really don't think I do.
31:03You are jealous.
31:07I'm...
31:08Sandra Love, put the plates down before you talk, will you?
31:11You keep looking at them.
31:12I do not keep looking at them.
31:14I am not jealous, Sandra Love.
31:15I'm not.
31:16It's over.
31:17I wouldn't have her back.
31:18She came in here now and bended knee.
31:19Some chance of that.
31:20She's got a new fella.
31:22Sandra, you're so naive sometimes.
31:24I mean, you really are.
31:26Rita is using him to make me jealous because she wants me back.
31:29I mean, she is.
31:30I thought you said he was using her.
31:35They're using each other.
31:36Well, that's all right then, isn't it?
31:38Hmm.
31:38Yeah.
31:39That's what I keep telling you.
31:40But why?
31:40You keep going on about it then?
31:42I'm not.
31:42You're the one that keeps on going off.
31:44For God's sake, Sandra.
31:50I'm not saying I don't love you, Jerry.
31:52I'm just saying I don't want to marry you.
31:54What do you want to do?
31:56Live together.
31:57You really are determined to throw off your conventional past, aren't you?
32:00I don't think there is anything terribly unconventional about two consenting adults living together these days.
32:05I just don't know if I can throw off my past enough to do something as...
32:09...uncautious as marry you.
32:12It's a little awkward, Rita, in my position.
32:14Do you mean I might lose you votes?
32:17Well, I wouldn't put it as crudely as that.
32:19Well, yes, it is true that a politician can't really afford to have a private life.
32:24Sherry, a prospective social liberal democrat candidate for hind head, not shadow foreign secretary.
32:29Oh, Rita, I'm only saying I prefer to marry you.
32:32Of course I'll live with you if you don't want to marry me.
32:35Oh, Jerry.
32:37Oh, Jerry.
32:39I'm so happy.
32:41Rita.
32:48Rita.
32:49You're crying.
32:50You're crying.
32:50What's he done?
32:51What's he done to you?
32:52We're going to live together.
32:54I knew, I knew, I knew.
32:56He's an unprincipled swine.
32:59Oh, give up, Ted.
33:00Our marriage is over.
33:02Oh, I know, I know that.
33:03It's just I'm thinking of you.
33:05Don't like to see you being made unhappy at all.
33:07I'm not.
33:08Oh, God, then, why am I crying?
33:12Rita, you can't see it because you're besotted.
33:16He'll use you, and when he's finished with you, he'll have a liqueur, madam.
33:20Thanks.
33:21Cheers.
33:21Cheers.
33:23You don't drink liqueurs.
33:25Hey, and that's ordered.
33:27Oh, well, I do now.
33:28And you can pour me another one.
33:30Oh, Rita, listen.
33:32Rita, listen, listen.
33:34Look.
33:35Rita, he'll use you.
33:40And when he's finished with you, he'll cast you aside like some clapped-out car sponge that's losing its fluff.
33:46Thank you for the flattering image.
33:48Hmm?
33:48No, it didn't mean that I could ever think of you as a...
33:51Clapped-out old car sponge that's losing its fluff.
33:53No, precisely.
33:54I mean, who could?
33:55Only him.
33:56Exactly.
33:57Now you're beginning to see.
33:59Hmm?
33:59It was my idea that we should live together.
34:03Rita, are you seriously telling me that you suggested living in sin?
34:08No.
34:10Hindhead.
34:11He believes you should build a political power base on local foundations.
34:15A political power base?
34:17Yes.
34:18Jerry's perspective social liberal Democrat candidate for hindhead.
34:21Oh, good God.
34:23No wonder you're all cranky.
34:26Cranky?
34:27Yes.
34:28Vegetarian.
34:29Feminist.
34:30Always caring about animals and people and things cranky.
34:34He wants to marry me.
34:39Good.
34:40Well, good.
34:42No, good.
34:43No, I'm glad he's serious.
34:45I am.
34:46I am good.
34:48But?
34:49What do you mean, but?
34:51Well, what do you know about him?
34:53Eh?
34:54I mean, where did you meet him?
34:55I mean, Harvey Wedgworth's dressing room.
34:58And then we ran into each other again at a C&D rally.
35:00C&?
35:01I knew it.
35:03He's a bloody freak.
35:05Look, what were you doing there, Rita?
35:07Oh, I don't want to go into the nuclear debate with you now, Ted, but you shouldn't believe
35:11all you read in the Tory newspapers.
35:13I mean, the people at those rallies, they're respectable, sensible people.
35:17Of all ages, from many walks of life.
35:19Ordinary people like me.
35:21Oh, ordinary.
35:22I'm beginning to wonder if you are ordinary anymore.
35:25Thank you very much.
35:26It wasn't a compliment.
35:29Oh, oh.
35:30Now, I can excuse you because it's, well, it's your bodily chemistry.
35:34But what's his excuse?
35:35What?
35:36What?
35:36My bodily chemistry.
35:38Come on, Rita.
35:39I mean, be honest, you know, it is, isn't it?
35:41I mean, you know, it's the change, eh?
35:43How dare you, you prejudiced...
35:46Rita, Rita, be careful.
35:47People are watching what they think.
35:49Casual.
35:49Casual.
35:51How dare you, you prejudiced, blinkered, bigoted, chauvinistic, rude, small-minded sod.
35:57Rita, how can you...
35:58That's Ted.
35:59People.
36:00Casual.
36:00All right.
36:04All right.
36:06But he's not a freak, fair enough.
36:09But...
36:10Once again, I'm forced to ask, but what?
36:12Well, he's...
36:13He's a...
36:14He's a liberal.
36:20He's a namby-pamby, middle of the road, always sitting on fences.
36:24Oh, a minute ago, he was pumping me full of cranky, radical extremism.
36:27Now he's sitting on fences.
36:29You can't have it all roads, Ted.
36:31Unless you mean he's sitting on fences at American airbases.
36:35Oh, I mean...
36:37Now, what do you really know about him, then, eh?
36:41Oh, he played rugby for Rosalind Park.
36:43His mother's a JP.
36:45And he owns a successful microchip factory in Godalming.
36:52Good.
36:54Good.
36:55Oh, that's...
36:56No, I mean, that's all right, then.
36:58Good.
36:59I'm glad.
37:00I am.
37:01I am.
37:05Is there anybody in your life, Ted?
37:07Hmm?
37:08Yes.
37:08Oh, yes.
37:09Well, very much so, in fact.
37:11Yes, you can say that sexual and emotional fulfillment have crossed the Simcox threshold.
37:17I am glad, Ted.
37:20Do you want to tell me about her?
37:21No, I'm not a lot.
37:26No, what I mean is, it's just, um...
37:28You know, it's a bit of a public figure in the town and, uh, you know, discretion.
37:32Yeah, I understand.
37:33Well, I'm ever so happy you've got somebody, Ted.
37:37You'll be as anxious to get the divorce over as quickly as I am, then.
37:40It's the skeleton at the feast.
37:47It's the spectre in the cupboard.
37:50Pardon?
37:51What is?
37:52My chickens.
37:53I mean, can you reconcile your kindly husband with the cruel beast who keeps living creatures cooped up in misery?
38:02I must admit, sometimes at night I dream I'm like that.
38:07All cooped up.
38:09It's awful.
38:09What say we go off and do it?
38:14Oh.
38:16Set my chickens free.
38:18Are you serious?
38:20I have never been less serious in my life.
38:25Well, it would be rather nice.
38:26Oh, it's, uh, uh, Betty and I have work to do back at work where I work.
38:36Chicken place, so, uh...
38:38Thank you very much for inviting us.
38:41Well, not inviting us exactly, but seeing us sitting over there and thinking,
38:46Oh, Lord, I have to invite them.
38:49But then you did, didn't you?
38:51That's the point.
38:51Thank you very much.
38:53You can't drive like this.
38:55I won't.
38:56I'll take a taxi here by car key, key cars.
39:00There.
39:01Proof.
39:01Taxi.
39:02Work to do.
39:03Come on, Betty.
39:04Oh, thank you very much.
39:07Betty didn't mean to.
39:08I would like to say that I do not agree with that.
39:11I beg your pardon.
39:13I think you genuinely love it, my doom.
39:16Love me.
39:16No, please, I do.
39:18I don't think the whole caboose was calculated down to the last thingamajig.
39:23Let us see if we can find you a taxi.
39:25I am sorry.
39:27Well, you shouldn't have said it, but then you're drunk.
39:29Yes, I know, so am I.
39:31Let's just forget all about it, shall we?
39:37Excuse me.
39:39Why, what have you done?
39:40A joke.
39:40Are you the Mr. Rodenhurst of whom my wife speaks so warmly?
39:45I beg your pardon?
39:47You showed my wife, Judy, round her house a few weeks ago.
39:50She said you were most obliging.
39:53Well, I tried.
39:55And succeeded by the sound of it.
39:57Though I'm afraid the time you spent with her was utterly wasted.
40:00Not at all, I do assure you.
40:02I mean, it happens in business.
40:08You've found somewhere else, have you?
40:10No, we decided to stay in Otley.
40:11We like the school, you see.
40:13And that's why she can't be here today.
40:14She's having a bit of a bad day.
40:17After many years of trying, we're expecting a happy event.
40:21Well, congratulations again.
40:25It's a great relief to me.
40:26The doctor suspected I might be sterile.
40:32Well, what do your doctors know?
40:39Are you feeling all right?
40:41Yeah, fine.
40:43I just feel a bit sick.
40:45You make a fortune if you're pregnant.
40:48Joke.
40:52Are you all right?
40:53I wish I'd never met you.
40:58So, are we going to be able to manage a friendly conversation this time, Liz?
41:02I hope so.
41:04And Rita, I hope you and Jerry will be very happy.
41:07Thank you very much.
41:08You're wondering if I mean that?
41:10These things are hard to tell.
41:12I think I choose to believe you mean it.
41:14Good.
41:14You don't think I'm a total bitch, then?
41:16That's a strong word, Liz.
41:18Total.
41:18Your friend Betty thinks I've planned it all.
41:25Taking Ted, getting the baby, leaving Ted, trapping Neville.
41:28She doesn't think I love Neville.
41:30What do you think?
41:31Oh, I think you're right.
41:32I don't think I really know.
41:33I mean, can one know about oneself, do you think?
41:35Let alone other people.
41:36I think maybe I did plan it, without really knowing.
41:42I do think I love Neville, though.
41:46People think we should have waited longer, but our hearts couldn't wait, and nothing could
41:49bring Lawrence back.
41:50And I find I don't believe he's there anywhere, watching.
41:56So why pretend?
41:57We feel we're getting too old for pretense.
41:59I feel that, too.
42:01And the sooner we got married, the better from the baby's point of view.
42:03How is he?
42:05Blooming Neville is as proud of him as if he was his own.
42:09He, uh, he doesn't, um...
42:12Oh, come on, Rita.
42:14No more pretense.
42:16Say what I know you're thinking.
42:18He doesn't look like Ted, does he?
42:20Oh, dear.
42:21I am very much afraid he does.
42:22Tiny, dribbling, bald, pink Ted.
42:25The mind boggles.
42:28Oh, my God.
42:29This looks like a deputation.
42:31I'll leave you to it.
42:33Uh, we'd like a word, Mum.
42:37You think I'm making a fool of myself over Jerry?
42:39Well, we've nothing against him as a person.
42:43Which he is.
42:43He seems quite a nice sort of a bloke, as far as that goes, but he's so young, Mum.
42:49We're thinking of you.
42:50Because we love you.
42:51He's so young, and I'm so old.
42:54Oh, no, no, of course not.
42:55But, I mean, he is a bit young, isn't he?
42:58Oh, yes, he is.
42:59Terribly.
43:00He's so young, and Harvey's so old.
43:03I wonder what reason you'd find to disapprove if I was marrying somebody of exactly my own age.
43:08Well, marrying?
43:09Yes.
43:10You've talked me into it.
43:11I'm going to marry Jerry.
43:12He doesn't know yet.
43:14Ladies and gentlemen.
43:15Ladies and gentlemen.
43:17I'm sure we'd all like to thank Neville and Liz for inviting us to this very enjoyable wedding,
43:21and for giving us such a lovely do, because we all like a bit of a do.
43:24And to wish them every happiness.
43:26Hear, hear.
43:26Well, you certainly sound like a politician, Jerry.
43:31I wonder how I'll enjoy being a politician's wife.
43:35Rita.
43:36Yes.
43:37Yes, ladies and gentlemen.
43:38As soon as my divorce comes through, I'm going to marry Jerry.
43:42Rita!
43:47Oh, this has to be wonderful.
43:50It's just a lovely, lovely.
43:52Really good.
43:53I'm pleased for your mother, Paul.
44:00Yes, so am I.
44:03Carol's marrying Elvis.
44:05It's all a bit overwhelming.
44:07Yes.
44:07Yes, it is.
44:08I'm glad.
44:09Are you?
44:11Well, of course, Ian.
44:12Why shouldn't I be?
44:13Carol never really meant anything to me.
44:16Not in that way.
44:20Quite a day all round.
44:23Yes.
44:24A brief escape from the world's problems.
44:29Well, I mean, in the context of religious wars, terrorism, imprisonment without trial,
44:37unjust social and financial policies, famine, racial prejudice, the destruction of the environment,
44:43the threat of the nuclear holocaust, one silly, one night fling, but it doesn't seem so important,
44:49does it?
44:50Perhaps with the world like it is, it's all the more important not to do these things.
44:55I'd never do anything like it ever again, ever.
44:58I know, but don't you see, I'd never be sure ever again, ever, would I?
45:03I'd make you sure.
45:05I'd never leave you aside ever again, ever.
45:10I'd be a perfect husband.
45:12We may as well give it a try then.
45:21Well, there's no point being left out, I suppose.
45:43Well, I must be up as well.
45:54Hey, je dois aller à la gare, prendre le train.
45:57J'ai pas pris la voiture, je oui, parce que je savais que j'allais conduire un petit peu.
46:00Donc, votre restaurant, c'est magnifique, mais c'est pas la gare.
46:03Joke!
46:11Hey, bye.
46:13Don't show my wife around any more houses.
46:15I won't.
46:19I believe we'll be happy.
46:22Good.
46:23I hope we will.
46:25Jane thinks so too.
46:27Oh, Neville!
46:28Oh, I know she's dead, but you see, I do still feel that she's with me.
46:34I can't help that.
46:36Well, I don't suppose you'd have married me if she didn't approve.
46:41The A6879, the Belmont cross to Withamstone Link Road,
46:45and it's blocked by a large number of terrified chickens,
46:48which have apparently escaped from a battery chicken farm.
46:51So drive those lorries carefully,
46:53or you may end up with an instant cock-o-van.
46:57Ellie is a more music.
47:00It's Rodney.
47:01She's finally done it.
47:03Cheer up, Ted.
47:10It's a happy day.
47:13Yeah, I know.
47:14I was just thinking about Lizzie's first husband, Lawrence.
47:19Nobody ever thought that he felt anything.
47:21Well, there you are.
47:23This is it.
47:25What is it?
47:26Life.
47:27You never know what people are thinking behind those heads.
47:31But I mean, it's happy for the happy couple, obviously.
47:34It's happy for your Elvis and Carol.
47:36It's happy for Paul and Jenny.
47:38It's even happy for the chickens.
47:39Is it?
47:40Freedom's important.
47:42I think so, anyway.
47:44I don't think it is.
47:46For chickens.
47:47It's happy for Rita and Jerry, too.
47:51It is, Ted.
47:52Face it, it is.
47:53I just don't see it, Sandra.
47:55I'm sorry.
47:55I just don't.
47:56You don't see it because you never appreciated what you had until you didn't have it.
48:00Yeah, well, maybe you're right.
48:02Anyway, that whole thing's ridiculous.
48:05Love is ridiculous.
48:07Yeah.
48:07A year ago, you might have said it were ridiculous.
48:11If somebody had said you'd end up as a waiter and spend the rest of your life with a sacked
48:15bakery assistant you met at the DHSS.
48:17But it ain't ridiculous, is it?
48:21No, of course it isn't love.
48:23Well, cheer up, then.
48:26Don't you love me?
48:31Of course I do, Sandra.
48:34Madly.
48:36Deliriously.
48:37Talk to me.
48:39Talk to me.
48:48But...
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