- 3 months ago
First broadcast 11th September 1980.
On a trip to the seaside with Arthur Terry is asked to mind a race-horse called Pelmet and is happy to do so when he meets Jocelyn, the attractive female jockey.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Liza Goddard - Jocelyn
Jane Carr - Rita
Ken Hutchison - Brickett
Jim Norton - O'Brady
Robert Swann - Jeremy Burnham-Jones
Jeremy Young - Everett
Bill Kerry - Georgie Gumm (as Billy Kerry)
Raymond Young - Clerk of the Scales
John Fahey - Point to Point Bookie
Joe Bartlett - Racegoer
Les Conrad - Racegoer
Salo Gardner - Clerk of the Scales Assistant
Isaac Grand - Racegoer
Jerry Judge - Racegoer
Michael Leader - Racegoer
James Payne - Racegoer
Mike Reynell - Racegoer
Larry Sheppard - Racegoer
Byron Sotiris - Racegoer
Guy Standeven - Racegoer in Refreshment Tent
Reg Thomason - Racegoer
On a trip to the seaside with Arthur Terry is asked to mind a race-horse called Pelmet and is happy to do so when he meets Jocelyn, the attractive female jockey.
Dennis Waterman - Terry
George Cole - Arthur
Liza Goddard - Jocelyn
Jane Carr - Rita
Ken Hutchison - Brickett
Jim Norton - O'Brady
Robert Swann - Jeremy Burnham-Jones
Jeremy Young - Everett
Bill Kerry - Georgie Gumm (as Billy Kerry)
Raymond Young - Clerk of the Scales
John Fahey - Point to Point Bookie
Joe Bartlett - Racegoer
Les Conrad - Racegoer
Salo Gardner - Clerk of the Scales Assistant
Isaac Grand - Racegoer
Jerry Judge - Racegoer
Michael Leader - Racegoer
James Payne - Racegoer
Mike Reynell - Racegoer
Larry Sheppard - Racegoer
Byron Sotiris - Racegoer
Guy Standeven - Racegoer in Refreshment Tent
Reg Thomason - Racegoer
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00What are you talking? What do you want? 20 to 1?
00:06You want 20 to 1? You got 20 to 1?
00:10Yes.
00:11You got B?
00:17Yeah, I told you.
00:19Here's a special announcement for the owner and rider of number 2, Lily Law.
00:23Will you make your way to the parade ring as soon as possible?
00:30Anybody who wants to buy a ticket and win the chance of winning £30 or the other prizes,
00:37you should buy them quickly, even from the Dallas where it's official badges or from the old stocks.
00:48I don't know what I'm doing here.
00:58Yeah. I could be doing other things, you know.
01:01I could be at the dogs. Acne.
01:03Dogs. Terry, this is where it's at.
01:06Your own county set. Your Mark Phillips lot.
01:10Contacts, innit? Combine business with pleasure.
01:13I've got a smashing Lancia I'm trying to unload.
01:161979 logbook. Only 14th hour on the clock.
01:20Not a trace of rust.
01:21I've got a bomb with a chin. It's one rush, you think.
01:25God, I smell that affluence.
01:26You don't get that at Acne, dog track.
01:29No.
01:30It's done.
01:32You're standing in it.
01:33Declarations for the next race, the adjacent Hans Maiden race close in 10 minutes' time.
01:48Declarations for the next race, the adjacent Hans Maiden race close in 10 minutes' time.
01:55And the runners for the open race will shortly be leaving the parade ring.
01:58Would the public please clear the cross?
02:00That's my one.
02:01It's got a bent on it.
02:02So?
02:03Wouldn't say no to her either, his Hans.
02:05Lily Law?
02:07You can't fancy that. All for a name like that.
02:10You of all people.
02:11I fancy it.
02:14No chance. No chance at all.
02:15Look at his legs.
02:16Yeah, look at his own quarters.
02:20What are you going on about his pins for?
02:21Want to stick a once-in-its nose, not give it one?
02:23Yeah, stick a fibre on the other grade for me.
02:26Be advised, Terry. Stand on me.
02:28Lily Law.
02:31Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
02:32LA.
02:33690.
02:34LA 20.
02:3610.
02:3716.
02:37LA 20.
02:3920.
02:40LA 20.
02:41What is cop dust?
02:44There you go.
02:45Seven quid on spring return.
02:4628 pound for seven spring return.
02:48Ticket number 301.
02:52LA 12.
02:54Excuse me.
02:54There you go.
02:58Four to one.
02:59Four to one?
03:00He must have seen you coming.
03:02So many others had it.
03:03They're seven to two.
03:04The horses are down at the start.
03:05Do it yourself.
03:06A couple quid, yeah.
03:15Right, form a line.
03:16Just there, jockeys.
03:17Now just walk up.
03:23Slowly, slowly.
03:26Slowly on the line.
03:28There, understarters orders.
03:30And they're off for the open race.
03:32And settling down, going to the first.
03:34Lily Law goes into the lead.
03:36And at the rear, spring return has started slowly.
03:38Lily Law clear in the lead.
03:40Phone bill, lantern and flying stations.
03:42I'm on my side.
03:42Going to the front, it's a little more.
03:45Phone bill second and flying stations.
03:46And at the rear, spring return has refused.
03:50Spring return, a refuser.
03:51The bug has balked at the first.
03:52Lily Law goes clear, going to the second.
03:55And on the run in, it's Lily Law winning easily from flying stations and phone bill.
04:00Here is the result of the open race.
04:03The one I fancy pissed it.
04:04That's always been your problem, Terry, hasn't it?
04:06What has?
04:07Dithering about, chopping and changing.
04:09What's known in the psychiatric profession as a grasshopper mind.
04:12In the good old days, you could get treatment for it.
04:14Pelmanism.
04:16If you have a fancy, a feeling in your water, stick to it.
04:19But it was you who took me out of it.
04:21That's the point I'm trying to make, isn't it?
04:22You shouldn't have listened to me.
04:23You've got to be strong-willed in this world, Terry.
04:26Implacable, like me.
04:27Now come on, twist me arm and take me for a drink.
04:29Listen, if you're going point-to-point in again, let me know.
04:40I'll arrange to be busy.
04:45Hang about, Terry.
04:46We may have done our bread, but maybe it's only cast on the waters.
04:51Eh?
04:51Clock a geyser in the wind in the Willer's waistcoat and a snappy felt hat over there.
04:58That's Watson Everett.
05:00Who?
05:01Watson Everett.
05:02Stroll on.
05:03Oh, come in, Terry.
05:04He's only one of your genuine NH trainers.
05:06He's not rubbish.
05:07Hey.
05:08Hang on, I broke.
05:09We've got a couple of jumpers with him.
05:11The Honourable Jeremy Burnham Jones.
05:14Have you swallowed the ooze-oo or something?
05:17What's a Jeremy Burnham Jones when it's at home?
05:19It's contacts, isn't it, Terry?
05:21Only one of your bright and true blue jet set.
05:24Heavily into antique commemorative pottery.
05:26I'd forgotten he was also heavily into Gigi's.
05:29So what good's that going to do us?
05:31Because, Terry, as well as being heavily into Gigi's,
05:34I am not entirely disassociated with antique statue wear.
05:38Since when?
05:40Subsequent to a favour, I did a geyser yesterday.
05:44Antique statue wear?
05:46You.
05:47Why not?
05:49Is there anything you're not into?
05:51Yeah, that's one of two things.
05:54Still, you never know your luck.
05:56Oh, I see.
06:03An honest opinion.
06:05A connoisseur's assessment.
06:07Me?
06:08You?
06:10What it's worth, you mean?
06:11Yeah.
06:14All right.
06:16Well, for a start, is it nicked?
06:22Terry.
06:24It's old, isn't it?
06:25Yeah, mid-19th century, yeah.
06:27Well, it's an ornament.
06:29It's a statue.
06:31It's a geyser.
06:32I don't think Arthur Negus could have nailed it better.
06:35It's China, Terry.
06:37Is it?
06:38He ain't got slant eyes.
06:39Not Chinese China.
06:41Not bamboo shoots and prawn ball China.
06:44Staffordshire China.
06:45Oh.
06:46A fine, unrecorded Staffordshire figure holding a book and resting his elbow on a pedestal.
06:52That is how your bona fide art world auctioneer will classify it.
06:56It's Milton.
06:57Milton who?
06:59Milton.
07:00False teeth merchant.
07:01The poet Milton.
07:03Paradise lost, paradise got back, all that.
07:05Go on, go on.
07:06Put the price on it.
07:08Yeah, but am I buying or selling?
07:11To the punter, what you are holding, Terry, is worth 80 quid.
07:1595, top whack.
07:17Is it really?
07:19Yeah, it's nice, isn't it?
07:21Handsome.
07:22Bet you wish you had 100.
07:25Too gross.
07:28God blimey.
07:30Fakes.
07:30They are 100% genuine reproductions.
07:34Well, you're holding then, aren't you, son?
07:35All you need now is some punter to get rid of them for you.
07:37That is where my friend Jeremy Burnham Jones comes in.
07:41What, the geyser from Brighton who's into pottery and horses?
07:45Context, Terry.
07:46That is what life is all about.
07:47I've been on a blower to him.
07:49He does me a favour, I do him a favour in return.
07:52Oh, yeah?
07:53And what favour are you doing him?
07:57Oh, be fair, Arthur.
07:59I mean, credit where credit's due.
08:01Your average punter is not going to stand for it.
08:03Terry, your average punter is going to stand what he's told to stand for
08:07because your average punter is a monk.
08:10All right, all right.
08:11I won't argue with that.
08:12Your average punter is a monk.
08:14But he's not a bleeding lunatic, is he?
08:17How come?
08:18Look, your average punter is not going to lob out 85 or 90 sods
08:22on an antique Staffordshire statue that was manufactured by a factory full of Pakistanis
08:29around the back of Orient football ground, aren't they?
08:31Think not.
08:32No, Arthur.
08:34Highbury may be.
08:35Orient, no.
08:37Terry, I'll mark your card of your average punter for you.
08:40He goes into an antique shop, picks up a little piece of pottery.
08:43He's got a sticker on its bottom saying 350.
08:46He is astute enough to know a piece of rubbish when it's put in front of him.
08:50Vodka and tonic.
08:51No, only light aisles.
08:53Two light aisles, then.
08:54If, contrary-wise, the sticker says 90 nikka, he knows enough about the subject to know
09:01a bargain when it's put in front of him.
09:04Hello, hello, hello, says your Mr. Average, nice guy punter.
09:0790 nikka?
09:08This can't be rubbish.
09:10Ipso facto.
09:11We've got a result, Terrence.
09:12£1.60.
09:16288 times 9 beers.
09:18No, no, no.
09:19It's not all profit, Terry.
09:21They are genuine reproductions.
09:23Pakistani craftsmen.
09:24I know Pakistani craftsmen.
09:25Oh, yeah.
09:26They cost me six quid apiece.
09:28And there's overheads, travelling exes.
09:31Meals.
09:31Exactly.
09:33And what little I do come out on top with.
09:35I've got to split down the middle, haven't I?
09:37And Jeremy Burnham Watson's going to want a cup of coffee, isn't he?
09:45Sad, but true.
09:46But life isn't just material possessions, Terry.
09:50Do you know what life is really all about?
09:52Contacts.
09:53Right.
09:54Writing his mecca for your antique tourist partner.
09:57Jeremy has friends at court.
09:58What I was thinking, what keeps going through my mind, is that
10:01while you're buzzing around all these antique merchants,
10:05what am I going to be doing?
10:07I'm not surprised they turned it in, you know.
10:11Your theatrical night, shut up, market lot.
10:13Turn what?
10:15Commuting.
10:16London to Brighton, Brighton to London.
10:18Regular as clockwork.
10:20Before it was Elbow.
10:21What was Elbow?
10:23Brighton Bell.
10:25Champagne and Kippers.
10:26They all did it.
10:27Johnny Gilgour, Ralphie Richardson, David Sexton.
10:31No.
10:32Every morning of the week, we had Pullman cars then.
10:36They had vintage cars and all, didn't they?
10:38London to Brighton.
10:42I mean, can you see Johnny Gilgour, Sir Johnny Gilgour, no less,
10:46with his light ale slopping around in his plastic beaker,
10:49while he stuffs an individual fruit pie into his north and south?
10:52That's not one, is it mate?
10:54What, sitting here like this, he wouldn't stand for it.
10:57See, what I keep thinking is,
11:00why do you need the heavy brigade?
11:02Heavy brigade?
11:04Yours truly.
11:05Who down there needs leaning on?
11:09Nobody.
11:10A little seaside trip for you, innit?
11:12Fresh air, all that.
11:14Put money on it.
11:15Much as you like, my son.
11:17You'll find you're on a loser.
11:34Yes, that was great.
11:39He worked well on the bridle over six furlongs.
11:42He'll be there in time for Plummick.
11:43Oh, he'll be all right in time for the race, all right.
11:45No fear on that score.
11:46Lincoln.
11:47Yes, Governor.
11:48Make sure he's done up properly.
11:49Seeds up.
11:50Right, I'll do that right enough.
12:04A rare 19th century commemorative Staffordshire equestrian figure you've got there, Terry.
12:24Worth a bob or two, I can tell you that.
12:26Well, more than milk.
12:27What?
12:28Your pottery equestrian's a different class to your pottery poet, ain't he?
12:31I mean, that's really kosher.
12:32You're into the ton and a half club there, I should say.
12:34Really?
12:35Let's have a look.
12:36Rather more than that, Arthur.
12:37Yes, hello, Jeremy.
12:39How nice to see you again.
12:43So, this is the friend you were telling me about, Arthur?
12:45Yeah, Terrence McCann, the Honorable Jeremy Burnham-Jones.
12:50A place to meet you.
12:52Hello, Terrence.
12:54You like the archer?
12:56The what?
12:57The Fred Archer, Mr. McCann.
12:59He rode over 2,750 winners.
13:01Six ledgers, five derbies, four oaks.
13:052,000 guineas four times, the 1,000 guineas twice.
13:10Greatest there was.
13:12Who haven't heard of him?
13:13No, it's not up my street.
13:15No, no, it's not strongly subject to history of the turf, Jeremy.
13:18No, that.
13:19That's more like it, innit?
13:20What?
13:20Master McGrath.
13:25Winner of the Brownlow, Starry's Brick, and Douglas Cups.
13:29The only dog ever to win the Waterloo three times.
13:32Hardly the sport of kings.
13:35How about queens, Jeremy?
13:40Royal Command was presented to Queen Victoria at court.
13:43He will have his little joke.
13:47And all the same, one hopes that Mr. McCann will prove rather better than useless when it comes to earning his keep.
13:53I want a word with you.
13:55Yeah, of course.
13:56Outside.
13:58Don't worry, Jeremy.
14:00Underneath all that solid gold.
14:03All that glisters, Arthur.
14:04Exactly.
14:08Since when have I been on his payroll?
14:10No, no, no, I was going to tell you, Terry, but I was just waiting for the opportune moment, you know.
14:14Right now?
14:15Yeah, well, look, as I explained to you, Jeremy is doing me a favour apropos the milks, right?
14:20Yeah, all right, yeah.
14:21And I, in return, and by courtesy of you, am doing him a favour back.
14:26What sort of favour?
14:27No, no, don't lose your bottle.
14:28Nothing big, nothing you haven't handled before.
14:31Sort of, um, watchdogging type of thing, you know.
14:35What sort of watchdogging?
14:38Well, watchhorcing.
14:40Really, I mean, to be absolutely clinical.
14:46Me?
14:47Sleeping there?
14:48Leaving out?
14:49But, Terry...
14:49No, no, no, it's not nice, is it?
14:51What do you mean, it's not nice?
14:54What do you mean, me, keeping down with a bleeding nag?
14:56No, I'm sorry, mate, it's not on.
14:58Terry, this is the countryside.
15:00This is your great outdoors.
15:01Look, you could be sitting behind a desk in a solo club, breathing in all that ciggy smoke and all that rubbish, grappling with legless marauders from Man United's far-flung legions.
15:13Having aggro, this is Shangri-La.
15:15No, Arthur, it's not on.
15:37Stone me.
15:38Even the old pals act has its limits.
15:40Yeah, but it's only for a few days.
15:42Just for the off.
15:43Make sure we don't get nobbled.
15:44I'm not kipping on straw, for Nito.
15:47That was good enough for our saviour, Terry.
15:49But you wouldn't have to be kipping down on the straw, Patrick.
15:51We've an armchair, especially for that specific purpose.
15:54They've got an armchair.
15:55Well, that's terrific, isn't it?
15:56I'll tell you what, Paddy, you get your head down.
15:58Go on, be my guest.
15:59You sleep with Pelmet.
16:00I mean, Pelmet.
16:02What's wrong with Pelmet for a name?
16:04Nothing on a curtain rail.
16:05Listen, you, there is no way I'm going case with several hundredweight of unprocessed dogmates.
16:11That is one of the country's foremost chasers.
16:13No, Arthur.
16:14Well, if you want to, Patrick, there's always them that will.
16:18Yeah, well, you'd better get hold of them.
16:19Listen, wouldn't be the first time that a stable lass has stood guard all night lying down with a racehorse.
16:24A bird?
16:25Yeah.
16:26The mind boggles, doesn't it?
16:28I mean, what sort of scruffy scrubber have you got to get who's going to sleep with a horse in a stable, eh?
16:32Hello.
16:34I'm Jocelyn Maxwell Saunders.
16:36Oh, I'm Arthur Edward Daly.
16:38Oh, you must be the good Samaritan who's volunteered to give a watchful eye on this chap.
16:42Um, well, no, actually.
16:44No, it's, uh, it's me.
16:47Terry McCann.
16:48Oh, hello.
16:49It really is awfully kind of you.
16:52Absolutely.
16:52Any friend of Arthur?
16:54We're awfully grateful, Pell and I.
16:55Pell's his stable name.
16:57I'm riding him next week.
16:59I'm Rita.
17:00I was going to get landed with the job of spending me nights in there, so you've done me a right good favour.
17:04I've given up all over getting any beauty sleep.
17:07Yeah, well, your need is greater.
17:10Any road.
17:11If there's anything I can do for you, you only have to ask.
17:13No, I'll, uh, do my utmost, not to be a bother.
17:17Oh, my God.
17:21I've taken one day.
17:23What's the matter?
17:23Oh, my God.
17:25Oh, my God.
17:26It's all right, now.
17:27I've born the world that you've come to tell me, I've opened my football.
17:30It's all right.
17:31Oh, my God.
17:35Oh, my God.
17:36Oh, my God.
17:37Oh, my God.
17:38Oh, my God.
17:39Oh, my God.
17:40Oh, my God.
17:41Oh, my God.
17:43Oh, my God.
17:45Oh, you're a tough, you are.
18:11God, dear O'Law, oh, that's nice, isn't it?
18:35What is that?
18:37Don't ever do that again. I mean, why couldn't you knock?
18:40I didn't like to knock. I thought you might have had your head down.
18:43Only I've fetched you a cup of cocoa.
18:45Oh, Tar.
18:47Do you take sugar?
18:48No, no.
18:49Oh, I thought you would. You look as if you do.
18:52Only you've put three spoonfuls in.
18:55Well, I won't stir it then, aye?
18:58Nothing else you want?
19:01No, no.
19:03Oh, right.
19:05Well, I'll say goodnight then, Terry.
19:08Okay.
19:10Goodnight then, Terry.
19:12Almost ten time, Terry, thanks for preparing for taking over me!
19:21Oh, yeah.
19:23I'm so sorry.
19:26Oh, no, no, no, you minute.
19:31Oh, yeah, he's gone.
19:33Good morning.
19:56Morning.
19:57Mommy.
19:58you could do with a cork up your bum work day to day Rita as soon as you can let's have them
20:07tacked up early morning Terry have a nice night terrific boy Paddy yes Patrick I want to watch
20:20him a shave well you're easily taken care of there's a standpipe right behind me well no hot
20:25water no hot water how do you shave then electric razor that's what I've got where'd you plug it in
20:32I didn't plug it in works on a battery morning oh good morning Josh all right morning yeah any
20:46chance of a cup of tea or something although once a cup of tea for them that was up in time for it but
20:50there'll be nothing there till after the gallops what no breakfast
20:54morning Miltons
21:18oh my god
21:34honey what's that well don't make it obvious but if you look to your right
22:00I keep seeing something glint in those trees
22:03can't see anything
22:07no you're right it's gone
22:12probably not important
22:13no maybe not
22:16possibly kids from the village fooling around
22:19it's a bit early in the day for kids innit
22:22anyway they're always on the go aren't they always dodging about
22:25that's the third time I've seen something in the same place in the last 10 minutes
22:29do you think someone's trying to novel pale
22:33what do you think all things are possible as the poet said what poet Milton didn't think you ought to stroll up there and take a look no no no no no if he sees me coming here just leg it somewhere else
22:47no he'll also know I don't know where he is
22:49he'll know I don't know where he is
22:50you always allow the enemy to believe he's two moves ahead right
22:54but who won't be is for one move ahead of him
22:56who said that
22:57certainly not Milton
23:00Wellington at Waterloo
23:01no
23:02Alexandra Deliria
23:03no
23:04joe c scott yeah get my rub over let him down will you
23:11hey i'll give you odds you've never done a day's work like this before
23:21hmm been a bodyguard to a gg
23:24i spent a fortnight once before christmas being nurse mate to a load of residents of a turkey
23:29oh they're not very much alike though i wouldn't think you know turkeys and racehorses
23:35you'd be surprised you know yeah i mean once they've boned and rolled you know sage and onion
23:40stuffing of course and lashings of thick brown gravy smashing hey listen you're not one of them
23:46heathens that eats horse flesh are you i get it's a joke yeah roast racehorse that's really good
23:52oh my god reader no no get out you diglo get out
24:08sorry terry
24:17god you're a terrible man
24:22right what sort of menu then
24:31uh what day is it thursday day oh it's a thursday already oh in that case it'll be um
24:37beef bourguignon
24:39hey beef bourguignon you see thursday is joss's day to put the chef's hat on
24:43now if it was rita's day it'd be egg and chips it was egg and chips yesterday wasn't it
24:48yeah yeah i must say i prefer the beef bourguignon you're supposed to like my egg and chips
24:52i've nothing against egg and chips in principle but you see beef bourguignon has got more protein
24:56have you got a minute langton
24:58oh i'm totally committed to the washing up
25:01oh yeah it looks like it
25:02well if you finish rita shoot across and give joss a hand in the tap room
25:06i'm going down to the village
25:07here patty
25:18patrick you're on
25:19have you seen this geezer who's creating all the fuss
25:23oh the phantom knobbler
25:24yeah i've seen somebody a time or two up in them woods
25:27is that what you think it is
25:29somebody trying to knobble the honourable's gg
25:31well he's hardly bird watching up there
25:33and listen there's a rumor going around someone's trying to get out the horse
25:36and jeremy would lose a few bob right if his horse was got out
25:40yeah well he loses prize money 600 quid first past the post
25:43600
25:45yeah
25:46oh dear i know i've seen more in the pontoon kitty at the fulham conservative club
25:49ah yeah but there's a cut glass decanter goes with it
25:52really
25:53must be hoping to make a killing with the bookies then eh
25:56nah he won't do that
25:57why not
25:59well you see you'll start off as a red hot favourite way out odds on
26:02he's not worth a bet
26:02that much of certainty
26:04yeah sure thing
26:06all he has to do is to turn up a plummick on the day
26:08and he's as good as past the post
26:09and he'll turn up all right
26:11fit as a fiddle
26:13we've got you to see to that
26:14what'd you say this was
26:18hmm
26:19oh it's beef bourguignon
26:21it's french
26:23it's horrible
26:24hey that's not
26:29that's not beef bourguignon you've got there patrick where'd you get that from
26:32got a pan over there
26:34oh that explains it
26:38explains what
26:39well you see your beef bourguignon is in the oven
26:41and what you've got there is a
26:43special diet that i was heating up for the three year old
26:46horse food
26:48well what's wrong with that
26:49oh me he knows food
26:51listen there's nothing wrong with the food we give the horse to eat
26:53there's nothing in there you couldn't eat yourself
26:55you sure of that
26:56sure i'm sure
26:57mix it up myself personally
26:58it's got oats and it's got bran
27:00and it's
27:01well there's just one little problem that you've got there patrick
27:05go on
27:07but you see the three year old was on a diet for constipation
27:10and i put some jollop in there to
27:11give the horse the trots
27:13so if i was you i'd keep me
27:16climsoles on for the rest of the day
27:17you know what i mean
27:18you can't have out terry
27:31if it were humanly possible you could
27:33but i have given my word to jeremy
27:35and in his circle your word is thingy innit
27:37you know sacrosanct
27:38i've eaten horse food
27:41during the war we ate all sorts of things
27:43we ate whales
27:44even the odd snoop
27:46no i'm not spending another night with that horse
27:49it farts
27:50we're none of us perfect terry
27:53oh and that silly cow she's after me
27:56yeah
27:56yeah
27:57she only soaked all my clothes didn't she
27:59really oh well you seem to be getting some fringe benefits out of it all don't you
28:03i'm not certain i haven't got a little visitor either
28:07if you've got fleas you haven't got them from the horse
28:10and don't go giving them to the horse
28:12or questions to be asked in the house
28:14you think you've got problems you should be where i am
28:17i am where you are
28:19not of this immediate moment you nurk
28:21i mean in a hot seat wearing out shoe leather
28:24trying to knock out milts
28:25now if i'd been asked to kip in a proper stable
28:29with a derby runner or something
28:31plumwick pelwick would lead me out
28:34milton brighton
28:37i thought they'd have gone a bomb with you yankee tourist punters
28:40but they're all they're all into royalty
28:42got no literary heritage they can call their own
28:45all they want is pottery kings and queens
28:49she's a pigeon fancier
28:53what
28:55the queen
28:56a pigeon fancier
28:58hard to believe really isn't it
29:00no i used to win a few fags with that in the scrubs
29:02used to carry around a clipping
29:04from titbits
29:05what have pigeons got to do with it
29:07i'm talking about american literature
29:09before your present 20th century
29:11it's mark twain
29:13moby dick bloke
29:15uncle tom's cabin
29:16and what's that one about the red indian
29:19with his short back and sides
29:20what's his name
29:21geronimo
29:22no no no no no no
29:24um
29:24all guys up though
29:26last of the emily
29:28er
29:28my against
29:29oh she's got class
29:33yeah she has as it happens
29:35really
29:36should see her at the gallops
29:38firm young thighs
29:40clasped against the horse's flanks
29:42holding it back
29:44you didn't get that bit of purple prose
29:47aren't the titbits
29:48you haven't been given it one have you
29:52no no no no no no no i Gonzaga
29:55All I get from her is double-blanks.
29:57It's that other silly moo I'm fighting off,
29:59trying to buy my body with mugs of cocoa.
30:01You could travel further and fare worse, Terry.
30:05Well, she must have better manners in the kit
30:07than your four-legged friend.
30:09Oh, leave it out, Arthur.
30:12That'll be one for your memoirs, Terry.
30:14You'll get a result there.
30:17Oh, well, press on.
30:20I might have recourse to going back to town.
30:22England?
30:23Yeah, London, yeah.
30:24I've been considering the feasibility.
30:26I mean, the milk's not doing the hot cakes act down here.
30:28I might just want to chase my contacts up west.
30:30Well, it suits me. I've had a belly full of this.
30:32Oh, no, no, no, not you.
30:33I have given Jeremy my word that you will see this job through.
30:36Arthur.
30:36And I am a man of my word.
30:38And you are a man of my word, too.
30:40Anyway, I'll keep in touch.
30:42Oh, she wants you.
30:43Terry!
30:47Terry!
30:49Terry!
30:54That'll be the cocoa, Queen.
31:40Oh, my God.
31:44Oh
32:14He had a go
32:44Enjoy the race to Patrick?
33:07You're not going?
33:09Somebody has to mind the shop.
33:10Anyway, I'm not missing much.
33:16Hey, I'll tell you something.
33:18She'll leave from the start.
33:19And all the rest of the material will be the back of a bomb.
33:23Mr. McCann?
33:24Yeah, well, tell her, Paddy, mate.
33:26I'll see you, eh?
33:26Look after yourself.
33:27God bless, Paddy.
33:28Hey, keep taking the horse tablets.
33:34Come on.
33:35It's ten o'clock already.
33:37I want to get him there and settle down a couple of hours before the office.
33:40Let him down just before you see the steward.
33:57Where the hell's Rita got to?
33:59Heyo.
34:15Do you want me to have the time on you, Terry?
34:17Yes, thanks.
34:19Would you mind telling me?
34:20I've got a watch, but I haven't got it on.
34:21Just gone twelve.
34:23It's at the Menders.
34:25Getting mended.
34:25You on your own?
34:28You waiting for somebody?
34:29Yeah, something like that.
34:30Haven't you got things to do?
34:32Joss will see her into the stable.
34:33She doesn't run until the 2.15.
34:36Only if you are on your own.
34:38I'm on me own.
34:39So while waiting for the gates to open, you could buy me a drink.
34:43Or on the other hand, I could buy you a drink.
34:45Sorry, Rick.
34:53Got to see a man about horse.
34:54See you later.
34:56Be lucky.
35:03Never another job like that one.
35:05Hello, young lover.
35:06Not playing Goodsbury, am I?
35:08Open the boot.
35:08Look at that.
35:11Oh, that's a bit tawdry, am I?
35:14Stop it, that's it.
35:15Pardon?
35:16Geezer who tried to bonfire me.
35:38Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Darwin.
35:47We hope you have an enjoyable and successful hour of this race here.
35:51But the train is late, and the driving forces will not burn.
35:56In a virtual system, we'll be soon to find.
35:58One, two!
35:59The race will be in Cheyenne train.
36:03And in the sixth race, the last race,
36:06is mine, I will repeat, sayeth the Lord.
36:33Yes, go on, you dare, and I'll do more than sayeth something.
36:37I'll have you put away again, my lad.
36:40Hold thy tongue, woman!
36:41Thou art shapen in wickedness,
36:43and in sin hath thy mother conceived thee.
36:46Build up!
36:50Is that a friend of yours?
36:51He's no friend of mine.
36:53He's round a bleeding twist.
36:54I know.
36:55I must have been off mine when I married the death, dozy sod.
36:59Generation of vipers!
37:00Who hath warned thee from the rough to come?
37:05Shut your gob!
37:07Can't you leave me alone?
37:09Can't you let me live my life?
37:11I wouldn't care,
37:12but I've been separated from him two years.
37:14We've been divorced ten months.
37:17I knew it was you.
37:18I knew all along.
37:20I'm here trying to give myself.
37:21I've got a quarter order on him for molest him.
37:24You know you suffer for it in the long run.
37:27Why carry on?
37:28Let us do evil!
37:30The good may come!
37:32You're not right in the bloody head.
37:34Right!
37:35Chapter three!
37:36He follows me round the country.
37:38Had a right good living job at a riding stables near Edden Bridge,
37:42run by a married gentleman with a son at university,
37:45a Rotarian who never laid a finger on me,
37:48never even looked at me,
37:50and this stupid, scentless article broke three of his ribs.
37:54What do you think you'll get for this lot?
37:57Bloody arson!
38:00You wouldn't credit this,
38:02but it was as right as rain until one Sunday morning
38:06when a couple of religious maniacs kept him talking on the doorstep.
38:12You're not...
38:13You're not right in the bloody head!
38:16You're right in the cage,
38:18you're just gone for nothing.
38:19You're not right in the cage.
38:20You're not right in the cage.
38:22No, no, no!
38:23Oh, you're not right in the cage.
38:24Who's right in the cage?
38:25Who Cloth still thinks about that?
38:26And hisân auch of his disciples got in the cage,
38:29a這樣的 besoel but not like as Türk guy.
38:31You ran into the cage.
38:34variation can he lose the place to get him out there?
38:35And something to do business.
38:37Very briefly,
38:39so close as he caught and heard,
38:40Yogi at his knight all the beat.
38:41I am not right in the cage on the cage.
38:44Well, as the man said, it takes all sorts.
38:57Very astutely put, my son.
38:59But if we're going to stand here philosophising all afternoon,
39:01we're not going to earn our wages, are we?
39:03Come on.
39:03Number three, permit, Miss Maxwell Saunders, grey and gold.
39:27Any extras to declare?
39:28No extras.
39:30Allowance, three pounds.
39:31Gaining, three pounds.
39:35Only just.
39:38Go and get a cup of tea.
39:40Next.
39:44After the stewards' inquiry, the place in Duvain,
39:47and here are the two pivodents for the first race for a tempest day.
39:54A win on the course number eight, plays 54 pets.
39:58Places number eight, 25 pets.
40:00Places number two, 14 pets.
40:03At number 13, 32 pets.
40:06Places number 82, in either order, plays 96 pets.
40:16The runners are now going down to the start, the second race.
40:20The first to go down is number six on your car, Judas.
40:24You know, my son, one ton.
40:25Put yourself a boat, see what you can get.
40:27Hundred?
40:28Yeah.
40:29It's going to be no price, is it?
40:30It's bound to be odds on.
40:32Mackerel will catch a Sprat then, innit?
40:34Look, I have it from the horse's mouth.
40:35It's the biggest certainty since a tortoise wallop year.
40:37And catching a Sprat's better than bugger all.
40:39Oh, go on, chill out.
40:43What's your last servant, Thiel?
40:45Enlarged arteries.
40:50Excuse me.
40:51Sorry.
40:51Sorry.
40:53Sorry.
40:53Sorry.
40:53Tenner.
40:54Tenner.
40:58Pelment, 62, 63, 2.
41:00Captain Helm.
41:00Let's go, I mean, you know what?
41:02Captain Helm.
41:0321 bar two.
41:0421 bar two.
41:05Come on, here.
41:06Come on, bar two.
41:07Here we are.
41:07Here you go.
41:08Here, Sunshine.
41:09Hundred quid, Pelment.
41:10Hundred and twenty, Pelment.
41:11Hundred and twenty, Pelment.
41:12Ticket, 734.
41:13734.
41:13That's it.
41:21What do you like here?
41:22That's all right.
41:23Stop with it.
41:24Don't you tell me what you want to do?
41:25Stop it.
41:25I don't want to do that.
41:26No, do me.
41:27I don't want to do that.
41:28Six one of 40 quid.
41:29I can't get out of it.
41:30All right, got it.
41:30Got it.
41:31Got it.
41:31Got it.
41:33Number six, Judith Delight,
41:35has now joined the other down at the start,
41:38so they will shortly be coming under start of the orders.
41:42What's up?
41:43There you go.
41:44Five to one on.
41:46Five to one on?
41:47Hundred and a twenty.
41:48Is that the best you could get?
41:49Yes.
41:50Do it yourself?
41:51No.
41:52Never do odds-on shots.
41:53Well, sir, I walk away with twenty quid.
41:55That can't be bad.
41:56Minus tax.
41:57Oh, yeah.
41:58No, I never have done odds-ons.
42:00In any case...
42:01They'll soon be called in the line.
42:03In any case what, Terry?
42:05Make a line, please.
42:07There.
42:08Under start of the orders.
42:09Come on, then.
42:10There.
42:11Under start of the orders.
42:12Come on, then.
42:13And off.
42:14In any case, what, Terry?
42:15There.
42:16There.
42:17Under start of the orders.
42:18There.
42:19Under start of the orders.
42:20Come on, then.
42:21Come on, then.
42:22And off.
42:23In any case, what, Terry?
42:26If Colmett is such a good thing, how come I saw your oppo, Jeremy, putting all his dough
42:31on the second favourite.
42:32Linda's lunch.
42:33Linda's lunch?
42:34Yeah, six to one.
42:35Not a bad price, that, is it?
42:36From Summerhays, Judith Delight.
42:37Come on.
42:38Yeah, all safe here from the class.
42:39And on a short one of the second.
42:40One with leading from Summerhays.
42:41From the line.
42:42And on the outside.
42:43It was last.
42:44To the third.
42:45And now it's at the first.
42:46And the third.
42:47And the third.
42:48And the third.
42:49And the third.
42:50And the third.
42:51And the third.
42:52And the third.
42:53And the third.
42:54And the third.
42:55And the third.
42:56And the third.
42:57And the third.
42:58And the third.
42:59And the third.
43:00And the third.
43:01And the third.
43:02And the third.
43:03And the third.
43:04And this has left Summerhays in the lead.
43:05She's only done it again.
43:06Unseated his rider.
43:07She got off.
43:08Come on, Linda's lunch.
43:09Come on, my beauty.
43:10What do you want about?
43:14Go on, my son.
43:15Kick her on.
43:16Continuing their run for the four.
43:18Linda's lunch.
43:23I never fancied that pelmet anyway.
43:25Even before I saw his long chick putting all his loot on a second favourite.
43:28Just never fancied it.
43:29Why not?
43:30Feeling in me water.
43:31You might have told me.
43:32What for?
43:33Wouldn't have done any good, would it?
43:34You're what's name, ain't you?
43:35Implacable.
43:36Here's another thing.
43:37What?
43:38All that stuff you were giving me before the off.
43:39About it being the greatest racing certainty since I taught to swallow the air.
43:41What about it?
43:42Historically inaccurate, innit?
43:43Before the start of that race, the air was odds on favourite, wasn't it?
43:46Amazing.
43:47Who do you think you are?
43:48Bleeding aesop.
43:49Oh dear.
43:50Who do you think you are?
43:51Oh dear.
43:52Wait.
43:53Jeremy, you bastard.
43:54You had that race rigged.
43:55Arthur, as if I would.
43:57Justin's foot slipped out of the iron, that's all.
43:58Leave it out.
43:59She took a dive I had in me bins.
44:00You might have rode me in.
44:01You did owe me a favour.
44:02I lent you Terry.
44:03Well, I would have helped you.
44:04But one has to be discreet if one wants to keep the odds out on the second favourite.
44:09How did you get that bird to sling it, eh?
44:10Break your arm or something?
44:11Hello darling.
44:12Hello darling.
44:16Hello darling.
44:17Dear oh dear Terry.
44:22What are you going to do?
44:26Oh dear Terry.
44:28What is your interest in in the round?
44:31I know.
44:32What did you get that bird to sling it?
44:35Dear, oh dear, Terry. What is it all about, eh?
44:40Contacts, innit?
44:44Sorry I couldn't help you push the Miltons, Arthur.
44:47Give us a ring, if ever I can give you any help again.
44:50No, no, no, Terry.
44:52Yeah, go on. There's a copper.
44:58No, I never had her card marked as being dodgy, I must say.
45:02And Aiton thought he was definitely bent.
45:04He was bent.
45:06Oh, yeah, bent crooked. I thought he was bent peculiar, you know.
45:10We didn't study the form, Terry, did we?
45:12Ah, and your favourite finished well down the field, didn't he?
45:15What though the field be lost, all is not lost.
45:19The unconquerable will, the study of revenge, et cetera, et cetera.
45:25Milton?
45:27The lad himself.
45:29Neal Desperandum, that's what I think he's trying to tell us, Terry. Cop that.
45:33It's a paintbrush.
45:35That is your starter for ten.
45:37This is a pot of blue paint, this is a pot of white paint.
45:39I want them all painted.
45:41Blue shirts, blue breeches, white socks, nice pair of boots.
45:44Do what?
45:46I have another contact in commemorative pottery.
45:49No, no, no, be honest.
45:50I've got a mate who's got a souvenir shop not far from Stamford Bridge.
45:53I'll stand a loss, but you'll knock them out for me as Chelsea footballers.
46:00Leave it out.
46:01He can't do that. He's a famous antique poet.
46:04He's got a book in his hand.
46:06F.A.M. book, innit?
46:08But he's wearing a cloak.
46:10Oh, paint it. Stick a number on the back.
46:12Don't argue with me, Terry. Exercise your artistic talent.
46:15Here.
46:16You have the blue.
46:21Here's another one for you.
46:22I live in Gaza at the mill with slaves.
46:25Samson Agony Estes.
46:30I've got one for you.
46:32Oh?
46:33When the ball hit the back of the net, I was over the moon, Brian.
46:38Kevin Keegan.
46:42I think you're an inside fool with my son.
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