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Transcript
00:00Hello there, oh thrill-seekers.
00:26Are you looking for a horror-packed tale, chocked full of blood-soaked gore and spine-tingling
00:34terror?
00:35Well, tough rocks for you.
00:38This one's a slow burn, but the flame's pretty bright.
00:43It is a story of a young undertaker named Adrian.
00:51In 1830, he opened a funeral home smack-dab in the middle of Moscow's colourful artisan
00:57district.
00:58And colourful was precisely what Adrian and his twin daughters were not.
01:05Which, of course, simply delighted his higher-class neighbours.
01:12He named his own establishment Funeral Home de Svidania, which roughly translated means
01:23see you later.
01:28But you know what?
01:30Hold on one Moscow minute.
01:32Let me tell this story from the very beginning.
01:39Adrian started as a grave digger.
01:43Together with his buddy, Yurko, they were shoveling fresh dirt for the freshly dead.
01:52Yurko liked simple things.
01:54A tiny whiff of fresh-baked bread would get him high as a cloud.
02:01Adrian, on the other hand, was a philosophical thinker.
02:07A goddamn poet.
02:11And one day, there she was.
02:15His inspiration.
02:18That was exactly when, as the kids say, shit got real.
02:26The beguiling beauty that bewitched our bashful bachelor was Ludmilla, who conveniently
02:32was the unwed daughter of the local undertaker, Adrian's employer.
02:39Looking to impress, Adrian asked for more work.
02:43This was fine by the undertaker.
02:46The old fart just wanted to retire from all this morbid shite anyway.
02:53In addition to the whole carpentry shtick of building caskets,
02:59there was the caring for stiffs stuff.
03:11Ah, Ludmilla.
03:15She was a special soul.
03:21Adrian felt lucky.
03:24So, happily ever after, right?
03:29Wrong.
03:30Reality set in quick.
03:32When the old undertaker became Adrian's first actual client.
03:40Was it throat cancer, tuberculosis, cholera, or some other unpronounceable disease?
03:46Who knows?
03:47Who cares?
03:48People dropped like dung flies back then.
03:51So, no biggie.
03:53Just a sad moment.
03:58Soon came kids and finally the good life.
04:03Right?
04:05Wrong again!
04:13Ludmilla died right after giving birth.
04:16That was a bit of a boiling point for our dear Adrian.
04:22Imagine being teased with a pretty, shiny image of a perfect future.
04:28A family.
04:29A fulfilling career.
04:30A beautiful, vivacious wife.
04:33Two lovely kids.
04:34And then...
04:35BAM!
04:36It all goes to hell.
04:38Love of his life.
04:39Dead.
04:40His mentor.
04:41Dead.
04:42Left alone with two babies.
04:43Yup.
04:44This was when life kicked Adrian in his soul's crotch.
04:48He preserved Ludmilla's gorgeous visage in a death mask.
04:53He vowed to give the girls a good life.
04:54To take them from the village and save them from poverty and tongue-twisting diseases.
05:10Adrian went full morbid.
05:12The other villagers would whisper about the stink of death that wafted after him.
05:19Yurko didn't care about any of the drama too busy sniffing bread.
05:24But Adrian had no time for goofing off with a gluten fetishist.
05:30He had work to do.
05:33Children to raise.
05:34And a brutally shattered life to get on with.
05:39The twins and the funeral business were the only things left that reminded him of Ludmilla.
05:46So he held onto them as hard as he could.
05:51The twins sprouted up into creepy characters just like their pop.
05:59He taught them everything about the business of the dead.
06:03The embalming.
06:05The fashionable makeup.
06:07Everything.
06:08They ran a full service funeral home with a reputation for unmatched quality.
06:14Which as one can imagine, rot in the cash.
06:19Adrian, empty shell though he was, still had his pride.
06:24Pride.
06:25Pride in his girls.
06:26In the business.
06:27Even in himself.
06:29Let's give some credit where it's due.
06:32The sweat from his hard work washed away the stink of poverty.
06:39And here we are, right where we started.
06:44Moscow's fancy artisan district.
06:48Somehow, Yurko had made it to the same street as well.
06:54Without any tragic shit to fuel his motivation.
06:58Yurko shared his love for pastries with any who would have them.
07:03Selling them out of his fancy little bakery directly in front of the dark, spooky house Adrian had bought with all that corpse money.
07:13One day, Yurko dropped in on his old friend.
07:19He brought with him an invitation to a fancy party hosted by the local fancy ass shoemaker, Gottlieb.
07:30Adrian couldn't stomach his vacuous neighbors.
07:34But you never know when one of them will need a funeral.
07:38So our weirdo decided to come out and play just this once.
07:47At first, the party was actually not that bad.
07:51Fresh food, decent booze, tolerable music.
07:55But nothing good ever lasts long for Adrian.
08:00They delighted in learning about his morbid business, tragic life and strange appearance.
08:08After everyone took their turn bragging about their success
08:12and toasting to the health of their wealthy customers,
08:16all eyes turned to the creepy guest with corpses for clients.
08:25Just then, the fancy, wise ass shoemaker, Gottlieb, suggested Adrian drink to the health and return of his clients.
08:35After all, without repeat customers, your business is death.
08:43And my favorite weirdo was offended, to say the least.
08:48Adrian decided to tell these people what they needed to hear.
08:52He cursed the hell out of the whole party, pointing out exactly what he thought of the living
08:58and how he preferred the company of the deceased.
09:02Biting their tongues, the other guests shut right up.
09:06Jericho was still clueless, but Adrian simply stood up and left.
09:11His long spindly legs took him where he was most comfortable, the graveyard.
09:24And there he spoke directly to the dead.
09:29He spoke and they listened.
09:34And then he faced the right thing.
09:35Back at the homestead, a guest wearing an old-fashioned tri-corn hat greeted him.
09:47The dude looks familiar, don't you think?
09:51They both went inside, and then there was a real Night of the Living Dead thing happening.
10:01All the familiar faces, all the skiffs and corpses were walking about.
10:08The twins decided to sit this one out.
10:14Naturally, Adrian was a little shaken.
10:18But then he saw her, Ludmilla, rotten but not forgotten.
10:26To Adrian, she was as beautiful as ever.
10:31The twins were old enough to go at it alone.
10:35It was time.
10:36So, Adrian left with his old friends.
10:41As it happens, the girls continued Adrian's legacy.
10:45They took over the business, found themselves husbands to do the heavy lifting and smelly corpse work.
10:53And just like that, Funeral Home Nozvidania prevailed for generations.
11:04As for Adrian and the zombies, they decided to hold an annual parade.
11:11Now, every autumn season, the dead rise, with Adrian as their king and Ludmilla as his queen.
11:25Together, they remind the snobs and asshats alike that everyone is mortal.
11:32I was there and saw it with my own eyes.
11:40Once, I even told this same anecdote to a local writer, and he managed to publish it.
11:47Or his version of it, at least.
11:50The poor fellow died in a duel a few years later.
11:54Hence, the moral of my story stands.
12:02Everybody dies.
12:06The end.
12:07The end.
12:20The end.
12:21The end.
12:21The end.
12:22The end.
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